Does that sound like an oxymoron? Well, it is, but its true!! Sometimes I just look at my life so messy and scattered and absolutely crazy and all I want to do is collapse on the floor in exhaustion. *HUGE SIGH*
Yesterday was a little rough and lonely until I once again turned all my thoughts to the Lord, which I happened to do at the tail end of my day.....oh, dear me, if I could just learn that it would all be better sooner if I could turn to Him as soon as I get these lonely feelings, but its a process. =]
And after contemplating/battling inside, flipping through My Utmost for His Highest, taking a walk at noon, another one at 2:30, and another one at 3, to try and clear my head, wishing I was in kansas city surrounded by my wonderful 2nd family, waiting for a phone call from my new workplace about coming in for training, singing and playing a bit on the piano, looking for recipes to try, taking ANOTHER little stroll outside,.... it finally got dark outside, and I was left to go into my bedroom and just .....cry. I haven't cried in who knows how long, so why not now? ;]
My brothers had their girlfriends and a little group of friends over for a nice little fire. I just wanted a little privacy, and someone to understand me. Plus, I had been crying, so I figured it might be best to keep my smeared and sweaty face from being seen by my brothers friends. I felt in between all my friends. Either they are all older and more mature, or younger and not able to relate to me. And then there's me, caught in the middle. "Who the heck can I talk to right now!!" GAHH.....
I finally went and flopped down in the chair to talk to my dad and mom who were enjoying their friday evening. "I'm just so sick of not knowing anything!" After letting all the little concerns and worries that were spinning around and around in my head come out of my mouth to my parents, I began to see how ridiculous I was making things.
I realized that.... *I was having one of my moments.* They never last too long. I'd be fine by morning. I'm familiar with my moments. I get my moments, and then I'm fine. They don't happen too often, but when they do, they are absolutely daunting. =] HOWEVER, they come and then they go. They are not at home in me. I already know there's no turning back, this is the life I have chosen, and yes it's going to be scary and daunting and full of risks, and full of TRUSTING, but it's what I signed up for.
So I went back to my room, sat down at the piano and wrote a song, based out of one of my absolute favorite Psalms, Psalm 145. It was quite fun, and I rather like it.
Then I received a phone call from the PERFECT person to call at JUST the right time, my beloved and beautiful Amanda from IHOP. I needed to hear her voice! It was her night off, and she was alone in her house. Ohhhh YES, the perfect someone to sympathyize with me! I had forgotten her when I was thinking who on earth can I talk to, thank you Lord! <3
He's working in me an eternal weight of glory, and one day I will see. He is peeling back little bits even now! Praise the Lord who is always faithful, to the END!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
*SIGH*
Wow.
This morning I drove down to Freedom for church because some of my IHOP people were there!! I got to hear Stuart Greaves and Shelly Hundley speak, and Justin Rizzo play. YES!! A precious taste of what I miss...my beloved ihop. *SIGH*
When I merged onto the freeway heading home, I don't know what came over me, but I just felt the most amazing joy bubbling up inside me and I started laughing SO hard. I know I looked like a complete dork to anyone and everyone driving next to me but really WHO EVEN CARES! HAHAHA!
Clay Edwards "Father's Lullaby" was playing.."No eye can understand, no mind can comprehend the things I have in store for you...and I'll wipe away your tears, I'll remove all your fears, I'll make all things new!!...." I was singing along with it and when it crescendos to the higher/louder part : "I'LL MAKE ALL THINGS- HAHAHAHAHA NEWWWW- HAHAHA- WWWWW............ " I didn't even get to the new part, I just started laughing!!
I could not for the life of me wipe the smile off my face --- the ENTIRE way home. Seriously. I tried to stop smiling but it didn't work. I really tried so hard but I could NOT even stop smiling! Before I left the church I was so excited for the drive home because I was gonna SING SING SIIING SING SING to my ipod the WHOLE way, well so much for that. I couldn't even sing because I was just smiling. You know how when you're singing you can't unless you have a straight face!! Wow...hahahaha :) :)
It was SUCH a beautiful day!! OHHHHH HOW I LOVE FLORIDA! Perfect sunshine and perfect blue skies! I must have been going almost 100 mph. I had to keep making sure I was at least pretty close to the speed limit. Then I'd forget, and look down and see I'm going 95--GAHH!
So I came home with the biggest smile on my face. Well then later on after I ate lunch and stuff, I started thinking a lot about all the longing in my heart, and felt myself starting to get a tiny bit anxious because here we are going into week 5 of still not knowing anything. I;ve been good so far, every day having to ask for GRACE to do this day, and for Him to lead me perfectly TODAY. The song "Mystery" by Charlie Hall has been part of what I have clung to since I got home from Missouri. "Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity, sweet Jesus Christ my clarity. Bread of heaven broken for me, cup of salvation held out to drink...."
But there have been my days when I absolutely wonder how on earth am I going to do this? And is He ever going to answer me? I started to feel my heart going that direction today. So I changed out of my dress into some gym shorts and hopped on a bike and off I went. I rode to the huge bicycle path on the edge of our neighborhood. And as I was riding I kept saying over and over in my heart "God you've got to come through for me. God you've got to be faithful. I know you are, but SHOW ME. You have to be faithful." And I thought to myself "Remember this day. Remember these days, remember what you're feeling right now. Remember the dialogue between you and the Lord. Remember the way your heart is feeling. Don't waste it and don't let go of it. Because tomorrow this day is going to feel like a dream." And I got SO much revelation:
I remembered back to September of last year, when I was on an airplane coming home from my second trip to IHOP. I had to go into work the very next morning. And as I was looking out the window of that plane I got this sinking feeling in my heart. I thought "I have to wait 6 more months? 6 MORE MONTHS, when my heart is in another place? How on earth am I going to do this? God, how am I going to do this? How am I going to walk into work every morning for 6 more months when my heart is thousands of miles away? I'm not sure if I can do this..." and I started crying. I looked over at my friend sitting next to me who was happily listening to her ipod and almost asleep. My throat hurt for the rest of the flight because I didn't want to cry right then.
I remember that day so well, and so many others like it. I remember God speaking to me SO clearly one day at work, as I was looking out the window of my classroom while the kids were busy at their centers. Once again I had just asked Him "How am I going to do this?" And I got a clear answer right then: "One day at a time."
After He told me that, I got this resolve in my heart. "OK. OK. One day at a time. I can do this. I really can. One day at a time." What that meant was don't look ahead, don't worry about tomorrow. Today is your assignment. Today, when you have to go to work, is all you need to worry about. Just take care of TODAY. Just love those kids with your whole heart."
And I was thinking about all of that as I rode along in the sunshine, and how crazy it is how that time is gone. Its totally gone and I'll never get it back. Now it's been over a year later, and I'm back home. I felt Him smiling at me. I kept riding along the path, and I looked up and saw the city's water tower ahead of me. I stopped riding and just stood there, looking at it and at the road next to me and the trees on the opposite side. "Wow. Here I am, Lord"
*HUGE SIGH*
All I know , is that Yahweh is Yahweh. He is Sovereign over all, over me and my tiny little life, and He is faithful to my heart always.
Just another day.....here I go again <3
This morning I drove down to Freedom for church because some of my IHOP people were there!! I got to hear Stuart Greaves and Shelly Hundley speak, and Justin Rizzo play. YES!! A precious taste of what I miss...my beloved ihop. *SIGH*
When I merged onto the freeway heading home, I don't know what came over me, but I just felt the most amazing joy bubbling up inside me and I started laughing SO hard. I know I looked like a complete dork to anyone and everyone driving next to me but really WHO EVEN CARES! HAHAHA!
Clay Edwards "Father's Lullaby" was playing.."No eye can understand, no mind can comprehend the things I have in store for you...and I'll wipe away your tears, I'll remove all your fears, I'll make all things new!!...." I was singing along with it and when it crescendos to the higher/louder part : "I'LL MAKE ALL THINGS- HAHAHAHAHA NEWWWW- HAHAHA- WWWWW............ " I didn't even get to the new part, I just started laughing!!
I could not for the life of me wipe the smile off my face --- the ENTIRE way home. Seriously. I tried to stop smiling but it didn't work. I really tried so hard but I could NOT even stop smiling! Before I left the church I was so excited for the drive home because I was gonna SING SING SIIING SING SING to my ipod the WHOLE way, well so much for that. I couldn't even sing because I was just smiling. You know how when you're singing you can't unless you have a straight face!! Wow...hahahaha :) :)
It was SUCH a beautiful day!! OHHHHH HOW I LOVE FLORIDA! Perfect sunshine and perfect blue skies! I must have been going almost 100 mph. I had to keep making sure I was at least pretty close to the speed limit. Then I'd forget, and look down and see I'm going 95--GAHH!
So I came home with the biggest smile on my face. Well then later on after I ate lunch and stuff, I started thinking a lot about all the longing in my heart, and felt myself starting to get a tiny bit anxious because here we are going into week 5 of still not knowing anything. I;ve been good so far, every day having to ask for GRACE to do this day, and for Him to lead me perfectly TODAY. The song "Mystery" by Charlie Hall has been part of what I have clung to since I got home from Missouri. "Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity, sweet Jesus Christ my clarity. Bread of heaven broken for me, cup of salvation held out to drink...."
But there have been my days when I absolutely wonder how on earth am I going to do this? And is He ever going to answer me? I started to feel my heart going that direction today. So I changed out of my dress into some gym shorts and hopped on a bike and off I went. I rode to the huge bicycle path on the edge of our neighborhood. And as I was riding I kept saying over and over in my heart "God you've got to come through for me. God you've got to be faithful. I know you are, but SHOW ME. You have to be faithful." And I thought to myself "Remember this day. Remember these days, remember what you're feeling right now. Remember the dialogue between you and the Lord. Remember the way your heart is feeling. Don't waste it and don't let go of it. Because tomorrow this day is going to feel like a dream." And I got SO much revelation:
I remembered back to September of last year, when I was on an airplane coming home from my second trip to IHOP. I had to go into work the very next morning. And as I was looking out the window of that plane I got this sinking feeling in my heart. I thought "I have to wait 6 more months? 6 MORE MONTHS, when my heart is in another place? How on earth am I going to do this? God, how am I going to do this? How am I going to walk into work every morning for 6 more months when my heart is thousands of miles away? I'm not sure if I can do this..." and I started crying. I looked over at my friend sitting next to me who was happily listening to her ipod and almost asleep. My throat hurt for the rest of the flight because I didn't want to cry right then.
I remember that day so well, and so many others like it. I remember God speaking to me SO clearly one day at work, as I was looking out the window of my classroom while the kids were busy at their centers. Once again I had just asked Him "How am I going to do this?" And I got a clear answer right then: "One day at a time."
After He told me that, I got this resolve in my heart. "OK. OK. One day at a time. I can do this. I really can. One day at a time." What that meant was don't look ahead, don't worry about tomorrow. Today is your assignment. Today, when you have to go to work, is all you need to worry about. Just take care of TODAY. Just love those kids with your whole heart."
And I was thinking about all of that as I rode along in the sunshine, and how crazy it is how that time is gone. Its totally gone and I'll never get it back. Now it's been over a year later, and I'm back home. I felt Him smiling at me. I kept riding along the path, and I looked up and saw the city's water tower ahead of me. I stopped riding and just stood there, looking at it and at the road next to me and the trees on the opposite side. "Wow. Here I am, Lord"
*HUGE SIGH*
All I know , is that Yahweh is Yahweh. He is Sovereign over all, over me and my tiny little life, and He is faithful to my heart always.
Just another day.....here I go again <3
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
All of me for all of Him
I always think about where I could be.
If only I could write better songs. Amazing, creative songs with lyrics that peirce the heart and make you come alive. If only I played the piano better, if the melodies and harmonies I could play would be so beautiful and creative and awaken souls. If only I had a better voice, if I could sing His heart with such a beautiful, broad range,if my voice could make people cry. If only I was an amazing cook, if I could make delicious things and offer them to anyone and everyone, and bless so many people with my cooking. If only I looked better. If I was more attractive, so graceful and beautiful, and not so "cute and childlike". If I was just beautiful. If only I could dance better, if my movements conveyed so much of God's heart in such a graceful and beautiful and powerful way. If only I was so talented in this area. If only.....
But I'm not. I've been given what I've been given. What He saw fit to give me, He has given. No more, no less. He knows the perfect way.
So why do I think about what could be?
I've already captured His heart.
He's already in love with me.
If I'm truly doing everything for Him, and if I truly am in love with Him, I'm going to take every single square inch of love inside me and every piece of heart that I have, and take it for all its worth, and let it explode in sweet offering to the one I love. I'm going to let it pour out of me like a flood all over His feet. I'm going to dance with all that's in me, I'm going to sing and play with everything I am, I'm going to love Him with all my heart whatever my hand finds to do , it will be done with ALL of my heart in it. Because I'm in love with Him.
Everything that I have been given is for me to give back to my Savior.
If I've been given a voice, then let me sing.
If I have two legs and two feet, then let me dance. And run, and leap, and spin.
If I have two arms and two hands, then let me write, paint, play, hold, love.
If I have a mouth, then let me speak.
If I have an eye then let me see, gaze, ponder, and imagine.
If I've been given strength, then let me run.
If I've been given a heart, a will, emotions and desires, and if He's given me the gift of love for Him, then let me dream.
And if I have dreams, then they are from Him, and He's gonna make them happen.
Just let me be fully alive.
If only I could write better songs. Amazing, creative songs with lyrics that peirce the heart and make you come alive. If only I played the piano better, if the melodies and harmonies I could play would be so beautiful and creative and awaken souls. If only I had a better voice, if I could sing His heart with such a beautiful, broad range,if my voice could make people cry. If only I was an amazing cook, if I could make delicious things and offer them to anyone and everyone, and bless so many people with my cooking. If only I looked better. If I was more attractive, so graceful and beautiful, and not so "cute and childlike". If I was just beautiful. If only I could dance better, if my movements conveyed so much of God's heart in such a graceful and beautiful and powerful way. If only I was so talented in this area. If only.....
But I'm not. I've been given what I've been given. What He saw fit to give me, He has given. No more, no less. He knows the perfect way.
So why do I think about what could be?
I've already captured His heart.
He's already in love with me.
If I'm truly doing everything for Him, and if I truly am in love with Him, I'm going to take every single square inch of love inside me and every piece of heart that I have, and take it for all its worth, and let it explode in sweet offering to the one I love. I'm going to let it pour out of me like a flood all over His feet. I'm going to dance with all that's in me, I'm going to sing and play with everything I am, I'm going to love Him with all my heart whatever my hand finds to do , it will be done with ALL of my heart in it. Because I'm in love with Him.
Everything that I have been given is for me to give back to my Savior.
If I've been given a voice, then let me sing.
If I have two legs and two feet, then let me dance. And run, and leap, and spin.
If I have two arms and two hands, then let me write, paint, play, hold, love.
If I have a mouth, then let me speak.
If I have an eye then let me see, gaze, ponder, and imagine.
If I've been given strength, then let me run.
If I've been given a heart, a will, emotions and desires, and if He's given me the gift of love for Him, then let me dream.
And if I have dreams, then they are from Him, and He's gonna make them happen.
Just let me be fully alive.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Oh Sweet Uncertainty...
....How you draw me near to Him...
Here is just some random stuff that is currently reverberating in my mind over and over again...somehow I have to let it out:
God why am I here in Florida? What do you have for me to do here? What are YOU doing here? I want to get involved in what Youre doing. I want to be part of what you're doing EVERYWHERE in the world, but until You call me elsewhere, here I am in Titusville. So what's going on here? I don't wanna miss it!
I want to praypraypraypraypray, and dance, and sing, and disciple, and have prayer meetings, and sell all my stuff, and go. Everywhere. I want to find your heart in every place, in the most unexpected places. In every person I meet. I just wanna go! EVERYWHERE! This trip and that trip and this trip and then another trip! Packing up all my stuff, then unpacking again. Always ready to go wherever You call me...I want to go on a huge lifetime adventure. Never settling down. Me and you Jesus. And then me, you and my husband. Always trusting you to provide, depending on you for everything. Never looking back. Always taking risks, stepping out, holding our breath, and then laughing because we knew You'd be faithful. And having SO MUCH FUN for the rest of our lives! Here I am at home in titusville, living with my family, back in my bedroom, and I just want to GO! I want to move somewhere. Then I want to go somewhere else. Then somewhere else. FOREVER!!!!!
Where do all these desires tie together> I'm 20 years old, so, SO young, and my heart is so alive with hope and anticipation. How on earth will all these desires tie together? How will God do that? I can't see how any of it is gonna come together at all. Are these dreams conflicting with one another? Even just a little? I can't help wondering.
Or......has He placed each individual one in my heart with a glimmer in His eye and plans to fulfill them all? Somehow, something tells me that they are all supposed to be there. Every last one. That they're all gifts. That they are all a precious part of my DNA....they are from the Lord. That makes me so happy! My heart is so alive with expectancy. What will the Lord choose to do first??!?!?!!?!?
Here is just some random stuff that is currently reverberating in my mind over and over again...somehow I have to let it out:
God why am I here in Florida? What do you have for me to do here? What are YOU doing here? I want to get involved in what Youre doing. I want to be part of what you're doing EVERYWHERE in the world, but until You call me elsewhere, here I am in Titusville. So what's going on here? I don't wanna miss it!
I want to praypraypraypraypray, and dance, and sing, and disciple, and have prayer meetings, and sell all my stuff, and go. Everywhere. I want to find your heart in every place, in the most unexpected places. In every person I meet. I just wanna go! EVERYWHERE! This trip and that trip and this trip and then another trip! Packing up all my stuff, then unpacking again. Always ready to go wherever You call me...I want to go on a huge lifetime adventure. Never settling down. Me and you Jesus. And then me, you and my husband. Always trusting you to provide, depending on you for everything. Never looking back. Always taking risks, stepping out, holding our breath, and then laughing because we knew You'd be faithful. And having SO MUCH FUN for the rest of our lives! Here I am at home in titusville, living with my family, back in my bedroom, and I just want to GO! I want to move somewhere. Then I want to go somewhere else. Then somewhere else. FOREVER!!!!!
Where do all these desires tie together> I'm 20 years old, so, SO young, and my heart is so alive with hope and anticipation. How on earth will all these desires tie together? How will God do that? I can't see how any of it is gonna come together at all. Are these dreams conflicting with one another? Even just a little? I can't help wondering.
Or......has He placed each individual one in my heart with a glimmer in His eye and plans to fulfill them all? Somehow, something tells me that they are all supposed to be there. Every last one. That they're all gifts. That they are all a precious part of my DNA....they are from the Lord. That makes me so happy! My heart is so alive with expectancy. What will the Lord choose to do first??!?!?!!?!?
Thursday, October 7, 2010
TRUST-
What does trust look like? It looks like this:
1 Having no money, no car, nothing mapped out before me, yet having a smile on my face, and a steadfastness, joy and peace in my heart, knowing that I'm taken care of.
2 Going to job interview after job interview, filling out application after application, with nothing ever working out, and keeping hope alive inside through it all. Never doubting, never giving way to discouragement.
3 Finding a man whose heart is all I've been looking/praying for, who looks like Jesus, who has the character of the man I want to marry, and who matches everything I've written in my journals about my future husband, but not knowing if anything will ever happen. Having to leave with huge uncertainty in my heart. Having to let go and not know, and accept the reality of never knowing. And being ok with all this. Carrying great joy and peace in my heart, because I know His faithfulness.
4 Saying goodbyes to family who is knit to my heart, when it seems like we've barely even said hello, yet not having even an ounce of worry about where they will be down the road, or where I will be.
5 Curling up in a corner with my Bible when I've been thrust into this blurry fog that is so heavy I can't even see to take another step in front of me. Bringing my bare heart before the Lord and asking Him to take the next step first, and then I can do it.
TRUST LOOKS LIKE:
-Walking forward with a blindfold on, holding my Daddy's hand
-Landing on my bed or on my knees in tears sometimes, knowing that tomorrow the sun will shine and bring me word of His unfailing love and it will all be ok!
-Reading my life story without knowing what's even in the next paragraph, let alone what's on the next page, or in the next chapter, or how many more chapters there are, etc. etc. etc. .....with no ounce of fear or doubt in my heart.
- Falling backwards, knowing without a doubt...Daddy always catches me.
1 Having no money, no car, nothing mapped out before me, yet having a smile on my face, and a steadfastness, joy and peace in my heart, knowing that I'm taken care of.
2 Going to job interview after job interview, filling out application after application, with nothing ever working out, and keeping hope alive inside through it all. Never doubting, never giving way to discouragement.
3 Finding a man whose heart is all I've been looking/praying for, who looks like Jesus, who has the character of the man I want to marry, and who matches everything I've written in my journals about my future husband, but not knowing if anything will ever happen. Having to leave with huge uncertainty in my heart. Having to let go and not know, and accept the reality of never knowing. And being ok with all this. Carrying great joy and peace in my heart, because I know His faithfulness.
4 Saying goodbyes to family who is knit to my heart, when it seems like we've barely even said hello, yet not having even an ounce of worry about where they will be down the road, or where I will be.
5 Curling up in a corner with my Bible when I've been thrust into this blurry fog that is so heavy I can't even see to take another step in front of me. Bringing my bare heart before the Lord and asking Him to take the next step first, and then I can do it.
TRUST LOOKS LIKE:
-Walking forward with a blindfold on, holding my Daddy's hand
-Landing on my bed or on my knees in tears sometimes, knowing that tomorrow the sun will shine and bring me word of His unfailing love and it will all be ok!
-Reading my life story without knowing what's even in the next paragraph, let alone what's on the next page, or in the next chapter, or how many more chapters there are, etc. etc. etc. .....with no ounce of fear or doubt in my heart.
- Falling backwards, knowing without a doubt...Daddy always catches me.
Someday really soon :)
"Wherever there's a princess......there's bound to be a knight in shining armor on the way!"
My prince is coming, but I will not sulk in a castle until he gets here! I will not be idle.....I will use this time to prepare, I will learn to be the best cook in the world, I will learn how to love those around me, I will start healthy habits in all areas of life, and when he finds me, I will be even better than I am now
My prince is coming, but I will not sulk in a castle until he gets here! I will not be idle.....I will use this time to prepare, I will learn to be the best cook in the world, I will learn how to love those around me, I will start healthy habits in all areas of life, and when he finds me, I will be even better than I am now
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
My last day in Missouri
I have been home from IHOP for a few weeks now. The last day of the internship I was absolutely a mess of tears, tissues, crazy laughing and dancing and emotional wreckage on the inside. I spent the majority of the day/night crying. I cried when everyone prayed over eachother, over me, cried when we were all standing outside together, cried at the last meeting in that little side room with my roommates and leaders, cried walking up the aisle in the prayer room. I went right up the very front row, I don't even remember what song they were doing, but I sat down, held out my hands to the Lord and just started crying. I couldn't stop crying through the whole set. And the 2 sets after that. For the whole six hours, I cried, went to the back and took communion, cried, hugged every person that walked by, cried, stood at the map and cried, stood in the dance section and cried (I couldn't even dance) walked to the bathroom and cried, and on and on......My heart was just overwhelmed. I wasn't even sad, I just had to cry. Because I knew that all the Lord had done in me, I knew all He had promised me, I knew the work He had done on my heart, I knew all the things that had happened in the last 6 months. It was all too much for me. I will never forget that night, September 23rd, 2010. JESUS IS MY BELOVED.
So after breakfast at IHOP pancakes, we all said our goodbyes and then drove back home together for the last time. After my crazy emtotional roller coaster of a day/night, I decided there was no way I could go to sleep now. Plus, the sunshine and breeze were just too much for me to resist. So I finished packing up in my room, then grabbed a sweater and went for a walk. I walked to Shiloh, the park I usually went to when I went for my runs in the mornings. The sky was SO blue, cloudless, and the sun was so warm and the breeze was perfect. THE WEATHER WAS SOOOO PERFECT! I couldn't have asked for a better day! (I'm sure part of my joy in the sunshine was due to the fact that for half a year I had not been up this time of day to see the sun at this time. It was the brightest and most beautiful thing I had seen in half a year!) :) HAHA. That's what the nightwatch will do to you..HA! :)
So I walked up and down those crazy Missouri hills, down the winding dirt road into Shiloh, and down by the lake. I stopped at a bench that I usually go past on my runs, at the foot of the lake. And all I could do was sit there overwhelmed. Words cannot describe the way my heart was feeling that day! I felt the absolute most satisfied, peaceful JOY I have ever felt in my life! And I sat there on that bench and just started pouring out my heart to the Lord, looking up at all the trees, and all that was in my heart was gratitude, thankfulness. He had been so, SO very good to me.
I sat there crying the joy that welled up within me, if that even makes sense. I was so overwhelmed with joy that I had to do something, so I cried! I got up off the bench and kept walking, with the intent to go on my usual path, but even farther this time. I went up the hill past the field of sunflowers. Just me, all alone, me and Jesus. I went around the corner, down through the green area, and to one of my favorite parts of the walk, the little rocky creek that cuts right across the trail. I kicked off my flip flops and danced around in the little creek. SO MUCH FUN! I felt the joy and delight of the Lord. I have never felt more satisfied. For once I didn't need anything, or anyone else. I had my Beloved and that was enough. He is more than enough for me. He has filled every desire of my heart, and I truly lack NOTHING. "No good thing has He withheld...."
After my little creek dance, I kept on, around another lake. Then hiked up the woodsy area into the really narrow path in the forest! SO beautiful. I saw like 3 or 4 deer, really close! SOOOO BEAUTIFUL! I went farther on the path than I ever have, it goes so far back into the woods. All the while enjoying the sweet presence of the Lord, feeling so satisfied and just wonderful and beautiful and everything you could ever want. On the walk back, I stopped at the other lake, and there is a little gazebo at the foot of the lake. So I thought "Why not?!" I ran through the tall, tall grass to the gazebo, kicked off my shoes and jumped up onto it. I sat on the little ledge, all by myself, in the sunshine, literally felt the light of God's face shining on me. I didn't need anything else. NOTHING. Jumped down and ran back onto the path. Then I couldn't resist. I had to dance! I danced down the rest of the path until I reached the little creek again. I don't know if anyone saw me, but I don't even care. I danced with Daddy, out in the beautiful creation He made for me. Truly I took a walk with God in this precious hour on Friday September 24th. I would not trade that day for ANYTHING!
I was SO HAPPY! Not just joyful, but joyful AND......HAPPY. FOR REAL. I couldn't have asked for anything more. I didn't even wish that my man was with me. I didn't need him. I only needed my Beloved. HE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ME.
It was a place where I didn't know what was next, where to go or what to do when I got there. I have never been more uncertain about the future than I have these days. But you know what? It is one of the most beautiful seasons I have known. Because I am leaning with all that I am, on my Beloved. All I need to know is I love Him, and He loves me. I don't need to know where I'm going. I don't need to know what job I need to get. Or whether or not to go to school, or somewhere else, or to move here or there. I don't need to know any of that! I would like to know some, and I'm used to having a little something to hold onto so I don't freak out, but I don't need to know any of that. All I need to know is that He is leading me perfectly. He doesn't fail me. All I need to know is MY DADDY LOVES ME. He has proved Himself to me time and time again. I am entirely utterly clueless but I LOVE IT! I KNOW MY DADDY, AND I KNOW HIS FAITHFULNESS.
He is good, SO, SO, SO good to me!
More to come......
So after breakfast at IHOP pancakes, we all said our goodbyes and then drove back home together for the last time. After my crazy emtotional roller coaster of a day/night, I decided there was no way I could go to sleep now. Plus, the sunshine and breeze were just too much for me to resist. So I finished packing up in my room, then grabbed a sweater and went for a walk. I walked to Shiloh, the park I usually went to when I went for my runs in the mornings. The sky was SO blue, cloudless, and the sun was so warm and the breeze was perfect. THE WEATHER WAS SOOOO PERFECT! I couldn't have asked for a better day! (I'm sure part of my joy in the sunshine was due to the fact that for half a year I had not been up this time of day to see the sun at this time. It was the brightest and most beautiful thing I had seen in half a year!) :) HAHA. That's what the nightwatch will do to you..HA! :)
So I walked up and down those crazy Missouri hills, down the winding dirt road into Shiloh, and down by the lake. I stopped at a bench that I usually go past on my runs, at the foot of the lake. And all I could do was sit there overwhelmed. Words cannot describe the way my heart was feeling that day! I felt the absolute most satisfied, peaceful JOY I have ever felt in my life! And I sat there on that bench and just started pouring out my heart to the Lord, looking up at all the trees, and all that was in my heart was gratitude, thankfulness. He had been so, SO very good to me.
I sat there crying the joy that welled up within me, if that even makes sense. I was so overwhelmed with joy that I had to do something, so I cried! I got up off the bench and kept walking, with the intent to go on my usual path, but even farther this time. I went up the hill past the field of sunflowers. Just me, all alone, me and Jesus. I went around the corner, down through the green area, and to one of my favorite parts of the walk, the little rocky creek that cuts right across the trail. I kicked off my flip flops and danced around in the little creek. SO MUCH FUN! I felt the joy and delight of the Lord. I have never felt more satisfied. For once I didn't need anything, or anyone else. I had my Beloved and that was enough. He is more than enough for me. He has filled every desire of my heart, and I truly lack NOTHING. "No good thing has He withheld...."
After my little creek dance, I kept on, around another lake. Then hiked up the woodsy area into the really narrow path in the forest! SO beautiful. I saw like 3 or 4 deer, really close! SOOOO BEAUTIFUL! I went farther on the path than I ever have, it goes so far back into the woods. All the while enjoying the sweet presence of the Lord, feeling so satisfied and just wonderful and beautiful and everything you could ever want. On the walk back, I stopped at the other lake, and there is a little gazebo at the foot of the lake. So I thought "Why not?!" I ran through the tall, tall grass to the gazebo, kicked off my shoes and jumped up onto it. I sat on the little ledge, all by myself, in the sunshine, literally felt the light of God's face shining on me. I didn't need anything else. NOTHING. Jumped down and ran back onto the path. Then I couldn't resist. I had to dance! I danced down the rest of the path until I reached the little creek again. I don't know if anyone saw me, but I don't even care. I danced with Daddy, out in the beautiful creation He made for me. Truly I took a walk with God in this precious hour on Friday September 24th. I would not trade that day for ANYTHING!
I was SO HAPPY! Not just joyful, but joyful AND......HAPPY. FOR REAL. I couldn't have asked for anything more. I didn't even wish that my man was with me. I didn't need him. I only needed my Beloved. HE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ME.
It was a place where I didn't know what was next, where to go or what to do when I got there. I have never been more uncertain about the future than I have these days. But you know what? It is one of the most beautiful seasons I have known. Because I am leaning with all that I am, on my Beloved. All I need to know is I love Him, and He loves me. I don't need to know where I'm going. I don't need to know what job I need to get. Or whether or not to go to school, or somewhere else, or to move here or there. I don't need to know any of that! I would like to know some, and I'm used to having a little something to hold onto so I don't freak out, but I don't need to know any of that. All I need to know is that He is leading me perfectly. He doesn't fail me. All I need to know is MY DADDY LOVES ME. He has proved Himself to me time and time again. I am entirely utterly clueless but I LOVE IT! I KNOW MY DADDY, AND I KNOW HIS FAITHFULNESS.
He is good, SO, SO, SO good to me!
More to come......
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