Ten thousand white doves

I know our love is just a reflection of all that we want to believe
Come let me lift you up just one more time
Now is the season for you and me, baby

See now my eyes tell this story, of a man and His eternal devotion
Throw your head back up and laugh one more time
Now is the season for you and me baby

Something in the way your eyes speak
They hold me close and you breathe life into me
Ten thousand white doves

.....That's the reward of waiting for love His way

I've been asking God to mark me with they cry of Ephesians 3:15-20, that I may grasp, understand, comprehend the love He has for me. Once I get that, everything changes. The way He feels about me should be what I base everything on. Suddenly in light of His love for me, everything else becomes unimportant. The opinions of men don't affect me. Obedience comes easy and sacrifice is nothing. God that I may know your love, the depth and width and height and breadth of your amazing love for me....that everything else would fall to the wayside.

That I would be able to hold my head high everywhere I go, that I would walk into a room full of people I have never met and they would see the light in my eyes, and my voice, and the way I love with His compassion. That I would live my life with a joy that is almost unnatural because of my circumstances. That the whole world would be in awe of the joy that is always there, always with me and refuses to leave no matter how my life turns out. That I would always have a song in my heart and on my lips that would mystify the world and cause their curiousity to rise until they must solve this mystery of why I still sing, depsite the shaking all around me. That my laugh would still ring out in the midst of tears, and not in an opressive or offensive way, but it would be a ray of hope, that a tear could possibly become dry and a heavy weeping could possibly become a light joyful laugh.

I picture a hill of endless green grass, a sky so blue it makes the ocean look gray, beams of sunlight making the breeze warm and cool at the same time...and barefoot feet running through the hills. I hear the strains of laughter rising up to the sky as the joy of the Lord overtakes the souls of men and suddenly all the hurt of the past is erased and heavy spirits are lifted to the lighter side, where the eyes of children become our eyes.

There IS LIFE with Him. Every good thing, all things beautiful come from Him.

Light, happiness, peace, joy; that's life!!!

The place where the Christian journey of discipleship is no longer a constant struggle to overcome obstacles; but instead becomes a simple yet divine invitation to engage in a love affair with One who burns with passion to have you as His bride. An invitation to the life abundant...LIFE!!!! Sunshine life! Really! No more searching for sunlight through the rain, choosing to praise depsite the storms, but really having a reason to praise. Being OUT OF THE STORM. Running barefoot through those green hills under that blue sky in that lovely breeze with the sunshine on your face.

Yes, He brings storms, but if we would look up instead of down all the time, we'd see that He mostly wants LIGHT for us! He is not a negative God. Trials make us stronger, but the abundant life of peace is where we belong. It's the life He paid for on the cross, it is not supposed to be a constant struggle and fight. Yes, when you choose to go the narrow way, it is a daily thing, but there is a place where nothing can touch us and the world has nothing on us. It's in His arms and if we abide there we will constantly be in that joyful place.

I have to break free

I have to be uncomfortable. There's no denying this is the kind of life I am supposed to live. My spirit is aching to be uncomfortable. I can't settle. I can not have coffee-shop Christianity. I can't do that. That would be a slap in the face to my own soul. My flesh is crying for typical, and my spirit is screaming for GENUINE! I want to follow! I have to carry my cross!

My youth pastor once said "JESUS DIDN'T DIE ON A PADDED CROSS SIPPING A CAPPUCCINO!" It has become one of my favorite quotes of all time because it bears witness to my spirit's longing. I CANNOT LIVE WITH MYSELF IN COMFORT!

Oh how I long for the real, genuine, discipleship that my King demands of me. I CAN'T SETTLE! I am so restless here in this place, because my spirit is denying everything my flesh has become accustomed to! What is a girl to do? But, no. I am not a mere girl. I am a disciple. A woman of God and a warrior.

My flesh is begging me to live. "Please, please, let me have my way! Please, please don't kill me, I'll give you everything you want! Please come hang with me and we'll get coffee and browse through the Scriptures til we find one that appeals to our craving for temporary inspiration and false 'Jesus highs' Please come with me and I'll lead you to a wonderful Christian husband and two kids, a dog and a white picket fence. Live the church lifestyle. Hang with your flesh and you can have it all!"

........But the cries of my spirit ring much louder and much more true:

"GO THE NARROW WAY! TAKE UP YOUR CROSS! Discipline yourself. Get uncomfortable. Get out of religion. Get out of bed. Get out of that comfy chair. Get out of that coffee shop. Get out there and get dirty. Get down on your knees. Get sweaty! Feed the hungry, care for the orphans and widows, help the homeless, pray for the sick. Get out of bed when the Spirit beckons, even if it is 2am. Roll on the floor with those kids whom I love. Get messy. Let your makeup run and your hair get crazy. Run outside through the rain! Weep, cry, be beaten up for my sake. Receive wounds and bruises, scrapes and cuts. Let tears stream down your face. Jump up and down, sing at the top of your lungs, play like a madman. JUST GET UNCOMFORTABLE!"

And I can no longer deny my spirit from this lifestyle. I will break free, I will get down and get uncomfortable, I will take up my cross, I will choose the adventurous way of the Disciple of Jesus Christ.

What will it cost?

Maybe not knowing what your next meal will be, or even if you will have another meal. Maybe not knowing the next place you will lay your head at night, or even the next time you will see the ones you love.

Extreme? Yes, it is.
But is this the narrow way? Yes.

I know that's my destiny in the future, but for now, in the meantime, what will it cost?

Maybe not having your hair and makeup perfect. Maybe not complaining when the little things don't go your way. Maybe smiling when you feel like crying.

WHAT AN ADVENTURE HE SETS BEFORE US...

You're Beautiful

At the Call DC, this was the last song of our 12 hour day. After pressing and pushing and working and laboring and almost giving up. It was the sweetest thing. In the night overlooking the capital building, I remember being there in the grass. I had been there in that same spot all day long. I was alone because I drove up with a group from Orlando, but we scattered different ways at the Call. I knew I wanted to be alone. And that's actually not normal for me, even though I am not the most extroverted person, I usually need to have people I love with me and around me. But today it was different. Anyway, the weather had really cooled off when the sun went down. And this melody started playing. It was so beautiful, and happy. "oh, oh oh oh oh..." you have to hear it. But this melody sounded like incense, if a smell can have a sound. It sounded like the very chords from those guitars were rising up into the sky, and the voices together as one, all were blazing up straight to the Father, although they probably didn't need to go far, because He was right there.

Anyway, I was sitting down exhausted when I heard this melody. All the sudden I had to stand up. Throughout the day lots of people surrounded me, little groups here and there, and a few friends and stuff like that. But it was 9:45 ish, and everyone around me had left. I was alone in the grass, standing in this huge area of land. It's almost like God cleared a space so I could dance for Him. And I remember standing there barefoot, drinking in the sounds of this beautiful music, the cool weather and this breeze just came and blew on me. It came out of nowhere because the whole day there was maybe 1 time there was a breeze. And this breeze didn't feel normal, it felt like a refreshing. It was just surrounding me, blowing on my face, and all around me. And then the lyrics to this amazing song.....

We see your face in every sunrise, the colors of the morning are inside your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day, I look up to the sky and say
You're beautiful

I see your pride in the moonlit night, the planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars, it's all proclaiming who you are
You're beautiful

I see you there hanging on a tree, you bled and then you died and you rose again for me
Now you are sitting on your heavenly throne, soon we will be coming home
You're beautiful

When we arrive at eternitys shore when death is just a memory and tears are no more
We'll enter in as the wedding bells ring, Your bride will come together and we'll sing
You're beautiful

And I started to feel so light, my heart became so strong and steadfast. And I was just awakened to the lightness of the Lord. His burdens are easy and light, and delightful! And I just began to move with the music and dance, and it was just so LIGHT! And as I opened my eyes to look around me, I saw that I wasn't alone anymore. There were brothers all around me. They were spinning and running and dancing and jumping, I even saw two doing piggy back rides! And I began to run through that cool grass with the Lord and feel His delight over us, and the atmosphere throughout that whole place under the open sky just began to lift, the darkness and the wrestling, fighting with evil lifted, and we felt this delight. It suddenly didn't matter if everything looked bleak and dark and hopeless. Because we were dancing with the Victorious One!

And I will tell you, when you take your gaze off the battle, and lift it beyond, to the Captain who knows what He's doing, the Undefeated One, YOU GET THIS LIGHTNESS AND THIS PLEASANT-NESS. AND YOU WIN!

And as it neared the end of our battle, it was about 10:15, and I needed to head back to our meeting spot. I stopped dancing, grabbed my backpack and water off the ground beside me, put on my shoes, and began to walk through these dancing brothers, and people worshiping in abandon, and I looked up at the sky. And what I saw absolutely took my breath away. I saw a million stars, more than Ive ever seen before in my life. Or maybe they were just brighter than I've ever seen before. But I literally felt my jaw drop, and I gasped, and just stood there staring at the sky. They were so bright, so LIGHT and beautiful! And after a while I looked in front of me and saw people I've never met before, just gazing at the Lord, voices raised and completely in abandon. Their eyes were locked with His eyes, and He was there so strongly. And I began to walk through the dirt onto this path right next to the grass, and took a deep breath of the cool air, and this huge smile broke on my face. And I started to laugh. I mean like really laugh. I bet I looked like a complete idiot walking on this path by myself, laughing at nothing. But all around me was God. I heard the voices singing "You're beautiful", and I saw the barefoot people in the grass running and leaping and dancing, and all I could do was laugh. And I normally would cry, but it was just so LIGHT! This breeze was still blowing and the stars were so bright, and everything around me was so pleasant!

So I walked back to my meeting place and I felt the most satisfied sense of completetion I have ever felt in my life. "We did it. We did it! It's over." And the sweetest moment of the entire day came at the TAIL-END, literally the last fifteen minutes. I climbed onto that bus, my stomach was so empty, knowing we were not going to a hotel, no shower, no food, nothing....and I laughed. I looked up out the window and just laughed! And then I looked around that bus at all the sweaty, messy-haired brothers and sisters around me and laughed. And they were all smiling, seriously. If they weren't smiling, they had this peaceful, steadfast gaze on their faces. "We did it." ....And I sat there in that seat and started singing. But I barely got the words out because I was laughing. So I gave up and just laughed and everyone around me started laughing and some crying, and it was incredible. These weathered intercessors were laughing at this PLEASANTNESS. It's so hard to describe ---ahh! AHHHHHH so incredible!

I was born for such a time as this

I received this email from Bound4LIFE yesterday. Here is an excerpt from it:

Rees Howells, the mighty intercessor of England during WWII, encouraged his young college students to pray in the face of unimaginable opposition. Never did they take anything for granted; never did they concede defeat even when the Panzer tanks were rolling.
As nation after nation was falling to Nazi Germany these inspiring words were recorded during Mr. Howells' messages in the prayer meetings:


May 17, 9:30 a.m. "You are more responsible for this victory today than those men on the battlefield. You must be dead to everything else but this fight."


May 18, 2:30 p.m. "I want to fight with this enemy again this weekend as if it were the end of civilization. You don't leave anything to chance in this. Don't allow those young men at the Front to do more than you do here."


May 20, 9 a.m. "Even before lunchtime the history of the world may be changed."

The moral of the story is this: It's not over until it's over. In the briefest of moments, in a flash of lightning, the apparent course of events can change. The tide of battle can shift in an instant. And God is looking to see if anyone is standing in the gap on behalf of the land (Ez 22:30). These young people here with me have truly made themselves dead to everything else but this fight."

He is talking about the team of intercessors in Washington, DC right now who are in the middle of the 40-day fast before our elections. As an addition to this fast, they are also completing their second Esther fast. (If you want to know what that is, go read the book of Esther)

These are young people who have completely given themselves to this battle. Young people. I'm talking about 18, 19 year olds and people in their early 20s. These intercessors are up in DC right now, they have been fasting for 21 days and will fast for 19 more. They are dead-set on justice and righteousness being established in this country and will not rest until the King of Glory has His way, until JUSTICE is poured out from heaven. They will not take no for an answer. They will not stand for anything less than victory. And they don't accept defeat. These young people are completely dead to everything else.

Because there's just no more time for anything else. And reading this email really woke me up, because for almost an entire year I feel like I've had this blinder over my eyes, like a fog. You know what, these people are who I used to be. And right now nothing matters to them except justice. They could not care less about the trivial things everyone else their age are busy caring about. Even the Christian ones. And it made me decide: Today is the day I change.

Everyone around me seems to be consumed with their life callings, finding out their purpose. And that is all good, and I don't blame them. That and getting into relationships, real ones that lead to marriage, doing what they're good at (art, music) waiting for someone to notice, or just doing it for God until He takes them to the next level. They are consumed in their jobs and classes and church and friends. And none of that is bad. That's all actually...really normal.

But especially in the past few months, I know I've been consumed with working, church activities, outside activities, and friends on the weekend. I actually spiraled into that normal busy young person lifestyle. I never thought I would because of the miraculous awakening I had at 16. But I did.....and now I've decided to do something about it. Being "completely dead to everything else" means that you just don't care about anything else. You are dead to it. It does not make you respond in any way, you are absolutely CONSUMED with this one purpose. To fast, pray and make history. So that would mean, that you are dead to your job, even though you still have to go to work. You are dead to classes, even though you have to go to school. You are even dead to your family and friends.

Now, hear me out for a second I am not saying that you are lazy at work, at school your grades drop and you are rude to your friends and family. I am saying that even though you have to go to school, work, and church and see your friends and family every day, you are still consumed with your purpose of prayer and fasting. And guess what: when you are consumed with God's purpose for you, it will actually enhance everything else in your life. So....possibly I am saying that you will work with all your heart at your job, your grades will possibly become better, and your relationships with people in your life will become better. But that is not the point and should not be the reason you take on this intense, adventerous lifestyle.

I know for a fact that this is who I am. This is who He called me at age 16...an age most people would say is too young. He called me a warrior, intercessor, history maker. And I will stand in the gap as Esther did until the day I die. I will be the one He is looking for, the one who causes Him to relent and lessen the judgement. I will be the one intercessor who still stands when everyone else flees because things look too hopeless. Even if I stand alone.

I will not allow the petty concerns that have hindered my generation from stepping up to hinder me. God will give me strength to get out of bed when He wakes me up in the middle of the night and light a candle, open my window and fill those bowls in heaven with my prayers. He will give me strength to go to my piano at 3 am when I have to get up at 7am the next morning and play songs of justice. He strengthens the saints and when they are the weakest it is He who is their Rock.

Go to myspace.com/radiantworship and listen to the song "You are Holy-Isaiah 6"

Despite everything, He is Holy.

If Obama becomes president, does that change who God is? No.
If I never get married, does that change who God is? No.
If everything spirals out of control, into complete chaos, and the great shaking takes place, does that change who God is? No.
If satan has his reign on this earth, does that change who God is? No.
If everyone in my life forsakes me, even my parents, does that change who God is? No.
If the whole earth comes under global communism and Muslims take over the world, does that change who God is? No.
If I am abused, broken and tortured, does that change who God is? No.

I don't know much; all I know at the end of the day is that He is holy.

I'm a Dreamer...

Sometimes I just think about how nice it would be...

If it was just a regular day at work and the bell rang, and someone came in the room with flowers from someone who was too scared for me to know it was them...

If a phone call came from someone who's been working up the courage for months...just because they want to talk to me, because they think I'd have good things to say...

If someone wrote me a long letter because they decided I was worth pursuing repectfully..

If the doorbell rang one evening and there stood someone who just wanted to take me for a drive and talk...because they've wanted to do it for such a long time

If someone wrote a song for me and I happened to walk in the room when they were sitting there playing it ... and they came up to me after and said "I wrote that for you" and gave me the lyrics..

If I was going about my normal day, and happened to look in my bag for a pen and found a note from someone who had to write it because they couldn't find the words in person...

All these things would make me feel like a princess. They would make me feel like I'm worth it...that in someone's eyes I am worth pursuing, worth doing special things for, worth thinking about because I'm different from the world, and beautiful...That someone thought I was worth the trouble of going out of their way. That they thought I deserved to be respected, and treated like a princess.

One day my dreams will come true. :)

I want to be free...

I want to be free to be me in my fullness.

I've been held down way too long, I've held back for way too long.

My spirit is going to explode if I don't break free soon...

Heaven aches to hear my freedom song and I ache to sing it...

The multitudes ache for me to belt it out with no ties and I ache to let it rise...

All I want is my extravagant devotion to come out in front of anyone and everyone because I am so in love with the One who causes it.

I have got to fix my gaze on Him, I have got to look up. Look away from everything that's tying me here in the moment and look UP, fix my gaze ABOVE, that the river may flow down and overtake me, that it may flow out of me.

I was there once. I was there in the place of not caring. I was in that place. The place where conversations about hair and clothes would happen and I'd participate but say "It's temporal." The place where I would be watching our dance team and look around at the ripe souls all around and get so excited and say "Look at all the chains falling off! Do you see them falling off, do you see what's happening!?" The place where I would look at the person next to me and say "Do you smell that? Oil...." The place where I would freely give and freely receive so much. I used to be there. My soul aches to be there again.

Brian is there. I wish I was there as well. What happened? I'd give anything to be back in that place. Brian has the sensitivity that's I've been lacking for so long. The sensitivity that disappeared somehow. He has the spiritual eyes opened and he is so perceptive and sensitive to the spirit's leading. He talks about earthly things with little interest. He has eternal vision. And he also has internal first. He has the secret place first, the first things first. He's exactly where I wish I was. The world doesn't have a hold on him. I see the fruit of his secret place in his life. I see the fruit coming out of his mouth, and through his actions, and the way he lives. The world truly has nothing on him. He just doesn't care. He's exactly what I wish I was. I used to be that.

How I yearn to come home. How I yearn, how my heart aches to be with Him again. Yet I try and try, so much, and it doesn't happen. I havent' felt that way in almost 2 years. I had a year of that place. And I've never had it again. I've shed so many tears, cried out to Him, danced unto Him, sang praises and let my heart rejoice despite my position, and yet I can't feel it....What am I doing wrong?