It's the Little Things

He wants me just as I am. Right now in this place, the place that I'm thinking I've just got to get out of so God will be happy with me. No. I've missed the point. NOTHING I EVER DO IS GOING TO EARN ME HIS LOVE. That's the whole point of the cross. DUHHH.....

Today in a bookstore I picked up a random book, and opened to the introduction (I never read the introductions) and skimmed just a little and read something like this:

Someone asked someone to hold out their hands and try to grab onto some water that was poured out. Needless to say it absolutely didn't work. Then they asked the same person to simply cup their hands and hold them out, and catch the water that was poured. And ....it worked. There was water in their hands. What's the point of that?

...The point is I have to stop trying to grab onto His love for me and just RECEIVE IT. I'm never going to get it if I keep fumbling around trying to latch onto it. It's when I stop trying and just open up and receive that I get it. That's where I don't miss the point. Nothing that I am doing or have done to this point has gotten me God's stamp of approval or His love or happiness towards me. It's really kind of obvious when I look at the facts....

I mean look at all the past examples we have. So many to choose from. How many screwed up people with screwed up lives has God used for incredibly amazing things? And how many perfect people who always have it together, who always know what they're doing and who have "arrived".....how many of those people have been used for incredible things? Hmm......

Take David for example. He walked with God, he worshiped, he lived life under God's protective hand, he was in love with God. He danced like a madman when the ark was brought to the temple. He shepherded the sheep under his care, he fought off bears and lions, etc. etc. etc. And what else? Oh that's right. He slept with a hot girl because he....couldn't resist temptation. And after that ended up becoming a great king and has never failed to have his family line on the throne (a promise God made to him).

Exactly what does this tell us? GOD WANTS IMPERFECTION. Why? BECAUSE IT LEADS TO ENTIRE, UTTER DEPENDANCE ON HIM. See, it all ties together. He is proven strong in our weakness, right? YES.

Does that mean I'm saying its ok to just go and screw up and lust after a hot girl so God will use it for His good and you will end up being used for amazing things? NO FREAKING WAY. Obedience is so much easier. But a lot of people think that we have to earn rights to be called a son or a daughter of God. If that's the case, then who can do it? It's impossible!

What I learned today, when I wasn't even looking for a lesson, when I wasn't studying the Bible, when I wasn't immersed in deep worship, when I was just living and breathing and, yes, Christmas shopping actually. (The point here is that God will take you anytime, anywhere, in any place you're at, in your humanity... :) ..But what I learned is that

1) I am never going to "arrive" (meaning I will ALWAYS have something that needs to be worked on, prefected, refined, etc. )

2) I have got to get my eyes off of ME and just let Him use me anyway, no matter how much I want to protest and tell Him "No, not yet! Just let me take care of this issue, just let me fix this imperfection, and then you can use me!" ....He wants me as I am, and He will use it. Yes, LIKE THAT.

3) I DONT HAVE TO TRY ANYMORE (wasn't that what I was supposed to know when I said "I want the cross" ??? Hello????? LOL......Thats the point of grace, thank you.

4) I have to stop grabbing onto His love for me and just receive it! I always think I don't want to receive it when He wants to love on me cause I'm not worthy of it yet, I'm not clean enough for Him to love me right now, I havent done enough yet, I havent been in my Bible yet today, I havent prayed at all today, so don't love me right now because I'm actually not even thinking about you and how I love you God, I'm thinking about myself and my plans and blahblahblahblahBLAHHHHH....When THE WHOLE POINT IS GRACE, it's for Him to love on me cause I really am the farthest thing from worth it!

5) ISN'T THAT GREAT! THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY AND it totally releases me from any and all kind of weight.

Sometimes I just have to stop pushing His love away and just receive. And accept it. HE LOVES ME AND NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE THAT. ITS UNCHANGING. Even if I don't even WANT his love, He still loves me..there's no getting around it.

And on second thought, isn't it so much better when you receive His love?????

God comes when you least expect it

Like the sunrise over a mountain range, His glory breaks forth and all you can do is sit and take it in. He comes when you least expect it!!

A normal saturday with relaxing and having fun on my mind. A shopping trip with a friend. Just doing what lots of girls would do on a weekend. Then, driving home that night, I turn to my friend who is searching for a song to play on my ipod and I say "play my night drive worship mix" She turns it on and immediately I am taken back to my roots, past all the busyness of the moment, past all the craziness and little distractions of my young adult life, and I am immediately swept up into His presence. I WASN'T EVEN EXPECTING THAT. I would listen to this stuff all the time, and wouldn't really feel much, but would still worship. This time without even knowing what would happen I did the same thing as I always do, expecting the same thing to happen, to just worship with my heart and not feel God. BUT THIS TIME HE BROKE IN OVER ME! He came to me, like a sudden sunrise, in the middle of the dark night it just breaks in like a light and shines on everything in its path.

THAT WAS WHEN I LEAST EXPECTED HIM TO COME! A shopping trip? One of the most girly things to do with your weekend? The whole day eyeing lots of guys and them eyeing you, shopping for cute clothes, eating at nice restaurants? I say all this to point out how NOT ready and prepared I was for the Spirit to fall. This hardly seems like the place God would come in the midst of, right??

Wrong. He WANTS to break down every barrier and every wall that stands in the way of His presence falling on the hearts of men. And He will do it. Not to say any of this was bad, I was just going about my life as I normally would. I had been praying for more of God, I had been asking for His presence, I had been doing a lot to warrant this fresh move. What I was missing was His actual move to my heart. I was waiting for it. I was waiting for Him to initiate something, so that I could respond to Him. So that my heart could respond to His, so that I would begin to draw toward Him and He would draw near to me. I had yearned to draw near to the Lord, having certain unexpected times my heart would just long and I would cry to the Lord for hours. I would long to be with the Lord and ask for His presence. But then life would call my name. My alarm would go off. I would get up and go about my day like normal, hanging onto the hope that someday soon I would see Him. When I could stop being so busy or something. When I could leave for missouri in march, when I wouldn't have a job to take me away from Him.

I always felt that I could love Him more if I just could sit at His feet all day long and all into the night. I felt that I wasn't loving Him strong enough, that I could do better. That if only I just didn't have to work. If only I didn't have this job that take up so much of my time. That I could just love him. "ALL I WANT TO DO IS BE WITH GOD AND I CAN'T! I HAVE TO WAKE UP AND GO TO WORK WHEN ALL I WANT IS TO LOVE GOD TODAY!" I would get so frustrated.

And then He broke down all the barriers. He came to me. He told me He loves my purity and he sees my heart, and he knows the longing I have for him. And that same night when He awakened me, I got a picture of what was happening. We were almost home, driving down park avenue, and I looked up into the sky, and then I noticed a street light. It was off. And as soon as I looked at it, it started to flicker until it came on. It looked to me as if it had been asleep, so to speak, and then, just like that, it wakes up. It lights up again. It comes back to life. And God told me that's what He was doing to me.

Then sunday night after church, I was on my way home, and I pulled up to a stop sign and just immediately started pouring out my heart to him, like I couldn't even stop it, it just welled up and finally had to surface. I just relayed everything to Him. And after I was done, He came again. His presence filled my heart. I went home and He was still resting on me. He put on my heart to fast 3 days, eating only fruits & vegetables. He said this would empty me so that I would be an open and receptive vessel to hold His glory.

My mind is blank......

What to say????

What did God show me yesterday?

That He will continue to pull and tug on my heart until he has it all. He won't relent until he has all of me.

You know a few days ago I got really mad. I told God "Well, if you really wanted me as much as you say you do, then you would be pursuing me and coming after me. Obviously you don't want me that much, because you're not even pursuing me at all."

And you know what He said? The exact same thing to me. "Obviously you don't want me as much as you say you do, because you're not pursuing me at all, you're not coming after me."

I was totally floored. I was looking in the mirror putting on makeup when this was going on. And when God said that I stopped and put the brush down and just stared at myself in the mirror speechless. IT REALLY IS ....A RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES TWO PEOPLE, NOT ONE. If a relationship consists of one person doing everything, its not a relationship.

I was driving around when the sun was going down and the sky was orangey-pink and purple, and then it got dark and the moon came out, and I went to the river, and it was so sparkly on the water. It was so gorgeous. And while I was sitting on the dock this cool breeze was blowing on my face and through my hair and He reminded me of how indescribable and uncomparable he is. And my heart started breaking because of every time I choose something less than....when I could have HIM...

its all about to change......

Now more than ever I feel my heart shifting into what is next.....I know that this full and abundant time will not last forever. I dont know how much longer my life is going to be so full and rich and happy and full of life. I know what He has called me to. Its an entire 180degree turn from the path I wanted for myself. He told me it is going to be filled with LIFE, if I take this way. But do you know....I used to think differently about what "full of life" meant. I used to think that if my life was "full of life" it would be happy, joyful, rich in blessings all the time. No. I was missing the point. When God told me full of life He meant something else. He meant HIS way of life. "Whoever seeks to save his life will lose it, ...whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.." He meant OH SO SWEET and also OH SO HARD. You see, I don't think you can have just one without the other. If you have one without the other, then life really isn't all that great. It's drinking from the cup of blessing AND the cup of suffering that makes it all worth it.

How can suffering make it all worth it? For me there is only one way to have anything to present to God at the end of it all. Its if I walked through EVERYTHING, as much as I could like Jesus. Let me tell you the way Jesus lived was DEFINITELY not always sweet and blessed and prosperous. But the thing is , he knew his mission and he knew his calling. He did not go through life dreading it, but rather he longed for it, because "he knew that it was his calling and purpose in life as a man at that time. To betrothe a fallen harlot back to himself." [audra lynn]

I just think to myself, how can I know what He has asked of me (the same as him) and know the destiny that He has placed on my life, and choose not to go that way? How can I see his love for me, and then hear his calling for me, and choose something else? I can't even imagine doing that, or what my life would be like if I did.

You know what I just told God one night "You know I don't CARE if I ever write a book or make a cd or live here in america in abundance. Go ahead God take that from me. Take as many of my dreams as you want from me. If I NEVER get to make the cd that ive always wanted to do, its ok. If I never get to dance again, its ok. If my life never turns out the way I pictured it in my little cinderella dreams as a little girl, its ok. God you can have all of me. I AM THE OFFERING. I dont want to give you just my money, or just my worship, or just my compassionate heart, I WANT TO GIVE YOU ME. I'M the offering. You gave YOU as an offering, so I want to give me. You didnt come here and give me money. You didnt come to earth and give me blessings, or a good life, or any of that. You came here and gave me ALL OF YOU as an offering. You are the example of what I have to do. My life isn't even mine to give up. Its always belonged to you.

All I know to do is just give him everything. Thats all I know to do. Thats just where my heart belongs. My heart thrives in the laying down and letting go and emptying.

I so look forward to the path that He wants to take me on, instead of my own. When I talk to people I grew up with and havent talked to in a while, and I tell them about what I'm doing, and theyre just like "Wow, i never would have guessed that," or "I never saw that coming" .....And I'm just like "I know, me neither."

I never dreamed that all my dreams would not come true, but instead there was a whole other set of dreams for me that I dont yet know, and I never dreamed that I would be so excited to give mine up and exchange them.


Its like, every time I sit down again to a huge meal, I think of those dears who havent ever got to do that. Every time I put on a cd, or open up a notebook, or even send a text message, i think of those who dont even know what its like to own , even a book. Or a blanket. Every time I drive around, I think of those who have to walk everywhere. Every time I'm at church, I think of those who stay at theirs for hours and hours, because there's not anywhere else they have to go after. There's nowhere even TO go. They have nothing else to do. They don't have anything.

Even just HEARING about the poorest of the poor, it makes me think Im missing something. Theres something about the heart of the poor "that God responds to" [heidi baker] ....They dont know anything about our way of life. If they saw even a small FRACTION, they would be overwhelmed. All they know is that they are in need and if God doesn't come, they will die. Thats how I want to live. Im not saying Im wishing to be poor. Im not saying I want to go forsake america and go live in africa in a tent made out of a sheet. I just want my heart to be in its rightful place. And if it takes going to africa for God to do that, then heck put me on a plane right now. I'm missing something. I have too much. I dont know what its like to be in need, really in need. I'm too rich. [And I'm not even rich] I just want God to sift through my heart until there's nothing in there that is AT ALL of ME. Until I KNOW THAT I NEED HIM.

I need God just like the man who doesnt own a pair of shoes needs him.
I need God just as much as the hopeless hooker that I see almost every day when I drive home.
I need God just as much as the anciently old beggar in haiti who came up to me and held out her wrinkly, old, weathered hand and looked up at me with tiny slitted eyes.
I need God just like the little kid with a life-sucking disease needs him.
I'M NOT GOING TO PUSH GOD AWAY JUST BECAUSE I HAVE EVERYTHING I COULD EVER WANT RIGHT AT MY FINGERTIPS. I NEED HIM SO MUCH! I NEED GOD!

I just want the whole world to see that WE ARE ALL DESPERATELY IN NEED OF GOD. But most won't ever see that. There's no room for God. Because everything else is here. There's no capacity for God, because everything else takes up all the space. Theres no need for God, because we're rich. We don't NEED anything. We have everything we could ever want.

It makes me so sad. I cant hardly even turn on the tv anymore without the thoughts of those dear people who KNOW they need God running over and over through my brain. I can hardly get mad when some other driver cuts me off without this tug on my heart that says "Don't miss the point.....you are a human being in desperate need of God....what makes you think you deserve anything?"

I know God has been calling me to go to poor nations since Ive been old enough to grasp why He wants me there. Hes been putting nations on my heart since I was 17. But now it seems my whole reason for even going has changed. I dont even want to go because I will get to see helpless people helped, or needy people's needs met, or that I will get to give and feed and heal people who need it. Now I just want to go so that I will be emptied. Emptied of my stubborn selfish heart-motives. Emptied of this little attitude that says "I dont need God right now because I have this. But when this is gone I will go pray because I'll need him" I WANT TO BE WITH THE POOR SO IT MAKES ME SEE HOW POOR I AM. I WANT TO SEE MYSELF AND MY DESPERATION IN THESE PEOPLE.

The truth is, we are all needy. ....Who knows what could happen? What if tomorrow a disaster happened and we lost everything? What if we couldnt just drive to starbucks when we're craving this or that? What if we couldnt just go to the doctor because this or that hurts or we have this problem? What if an army of muslim extremists invaded our country and started war here in our streets and our cities? What if our planet got out of its orbit? WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAPPEN, ANY DAY!

THE POINT IS THAT WE CANT BECOME HARD-HEARTED. WE CAN'T MISS THE POINT. WE CAN'T BE BLIND ANYMORE TO OUR NEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just feel like everything is about to change. For me, or for everyone. I dont know. But what I do know is that I can no longer live in all this blessing and miss the whole point of everything. If I can live in prosperity and still acknowledge and act on my desperate need for God then ok, I'll stay. But if I live in abundance, and become stiff necked and independant, I DONT WANT TO STAY HERE!

........just where my heart's at..To be continued... sometime, ...maybe..?

october 5 09 where my heart is

He still pursues me even when I don't respond to Him.

When my heart is pulled in so many different directions, with so many things vying for my attention, affection. Even when my affections are not on Him, and my gaze is not on him. He still pursues me.

And I always complain that "I'm not hearing anything from God! He won't talk to me, He doesn't show up, I can't feel His presence," etc. etc. etc.

How can I expect someone to do any of those things when I ignore them? When I don't act like I want to be with them or hear from them? "I;m not hearing anything from God!" Well, am I posturing myself to hear anything? Am I preparing my heart for something He might say? Am I pursuing His voice, or His words? He might have a lot He wants to say to me or talk to me about. But do I even give him enough time? Or enough room? Is there any room in my heart to hold the things of God? Or is the space in my heart already occupied and taken up by the many things I must do or think about or dwell upon or analyze? HOW MUCH ROOM IS THERE FOR GOD TO SPEAK TO ME, TO BE WITH ME? HOW MUCH CAPACITY IS THERE IN MY LIFE FOR GOD?

He will only come if there's room for Him, IF I DESIRE HIM, IF I PURUSE HIM. Yes, sometimes He will choose to pour out his spirit on anything and everything and even if you are in the way you will get it, because nothing gets in the way of God. But He longs to be DESIRED by us. He wants us to WANT him.Its so simple, RELATIONSHIP.

He already loved us before we even loved him back, and he already died for us when we were still sinners. But now that we know that, wouldn't it be natural for us to LOVE HIM? For us to desire closeness with him?

When my heart is tugged at by the daily things I have to face, my job, my responsibilites, errands, my "to-do list", etc. , is His tugging stronger? Which one do I respond to? It is usually all the other things.

He whispers things to me every day because I don't have the time, room or capacity to listen to him actually talk or pour out his heart to me. He nudges me every day because I don't want to be bothered with an interruption in my day, because it might ruin my plans. THE POINT IS THAT HE STILL PURSUES. HE DOES NOT IGNORE ME, EVEN THOUGH I IGNORE HIM.

He is waiting, longing for me to be with him, for no other reason or agenda than companionship, that he wants a best friend.

He is also holy. He is not going to sit around and wait for me to get it together and finally come trudging in to him at the end of the day exhausted. If I am not open, receptive, or willing, or if I don't respond to his pursuit, then he will find someone else to pour his spirit on. He will find someone else that he can trust with his heart and with his work. If I don't want it, you better believe there is someone else who does. There is some willing, open vessel that is crying "USE ME, GOD! SEND ME, GOD! POUR OUT YOUR SPIRIT ON ME! COME BE WITH ME! I WANT TO PARTNER WITH YOU!"

He will take anyone that wants it, it's not an elite club. But you cannot be divided. That's one thing I 've learned.

THE ONE NECCESSITY OR QUALIFICATION IS - AN UNDIVIDED HEART <3

"I will give them an undivided heart, I will put a new spirit within them, I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh."

That has been my heart's cry for the past month or so. "GOD, GIVE ME AN UNDIVIDED HEART! LET ALL MY AFFECTIONS BE ON YOU ALONE! LET ALL MY ATTENTION BE ON YOU! LET MY GAZE BE FOCUSED ON YOU, LET IT NOT TURN AWAY FROM YOUR FACE, YOUR EYES!"

I just want more of Him. I want to use this time in my life that I will never get back, this precious time when I can be completely and utterly abandoned because I don't have other people to divide my heart or people to take care of, (like my husband or my kids) I want to not waste any of this time. I want to as consecrated as possible. I want as much of Him as I can possibly hold !!!!! I want to contain as much of God as I can even contain at this point, as small of a vessel as I am, I WANT HIM TO FILL ME! Fill me to the brim, til Im overflowing.

That's what I want. I dont WANT anything else. Nothing else appeals to me right now. I ONLY WANT HIM! MY HEART CRIES OUT FOR HIM, MY SOUL IS LONGING FOR HIM

I want to take my passion, put it in a bottle just to break it at Your feet. I want to take my affections, put them in a bottle, just to waste it at You feet.

"My soul longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. AND MY SOUL LONGS FOR YOU IN A LUSH AND WEALTHY LAND WHERE THERE IS WATER, I DONT' WANT THAT WATER, I WANT YOU I ONLY WANT YOU!" [ps. 63:1]

THE WORD

When I need joy

When I need to be reminded of God's faithfulness

When I need comfort / peace

When I need to know it's going to be worth it

When I need guidance / counsel / direction

When I need hope

When I need encouragement / something to keep me pressing on

When I want to know about God / His characteristics / what He is like

When I want to be like Jesus / learning about what He is like / the life of Christ

When I want to know what He saved me from

When I need to realize it's not about me

I am going to fill up a notebook with pages of verses - all referencing these specific things - so that I will KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW that I have a sharp sword. I want to get the Word in me and deep down in my heart so that it will start to take effect and give light to my eyes and heart and happiness and energy to my spirit. I want to KNOW the word of God. I want to know GOD.

Dear :)

Hi. So..... I wanted to write you a letter. I just wanted to tell you some stuff.

One I miss you so much. I hate that we have to be apart for a time. But I know that it will be worth it when we are finally together. It's hard to wait and so hard when I think about you since I know I can't see you right now. But I remember that I WILL SEE YOU SOON. It's SO HARD when I know you are the one for me. And I know that we are supposed to be together..and right now we're not. But I won't worry and I won't fret because I KNOW WILL BE. I will see your beloved face. I WILL! I Know.

Two, besides the fact that I miss you SO MUCH.........I think about you ALL THE TIME. I just wish I could see your face you know? And look into your eyes again. I think about the beautiful, romantic times we spent together. All the times you looked at me and I looked at you and then we started dancing. And all the times I went out to lay on the grass with a blanket and you met me there. And everytime we gave so much to each other and we were so happy to be with eachother and then all the times we were just together and didn't even say a word to eachother but we were just content to be hangin in each other's presence. I think about all of our memories. All the places we've gone together. I remember the first time you took me on a road trip to north carolina and there you romanced me in a way few people have known. I think that week we had something extra special and amazing. That was one of my favorite times in all my life. It was the first time I realized...wow I think I'm in love.

And then when you took me to washington DC and we prayed together for America and we cried together and then at the end you pointed to the sky and showed me all those brilliant stars, and then we had the BEST drive home together on that bus with those other people, listening to Light of Your Face, and looking up at the full moon, and knowing that we had partnered together that day. I was full of wonder the whole trip, and you seemed delighted to see that. You delighted in me.

And then when we went to Tennessee together in the mountains and the whole time you kept finding amazing ways to tell me you loved me. Like, romantic, like REALLY ROMANTIC ways..you would take me deep into the mountains and on hikes in the woods and we laughed so hard with all of our friends, and we sang late into the night around those campfires, and then that one day you really wanted to amaze me and you took me on that hike to that waterfall and on the way back IT POURED SOOOOO HARD AND WE JUST HAD THE BEST MOMENT EVER!~!!!!!!!! I know that was one of the best moments of my entire life. W e were hiking through in that downpour, absolutely soaking wet, and laughing and jumping in the puddles and it was just INCREDIBLE to me. I HAD SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!

And all the little trips in between the years we've known eachother..like that one time we went to North Carolina and that time we went to Alabama, those times on the road are some of the best we've had..listening to our music, singing and worshiping together, and looking at the amazing scenery.........and me being amazed of course, and you just delighting to take me along on this journey and being so happy that I am so happy and WOWOWOWOWOW I CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING WE'VE DONE TOGETHER!!!!

And then..you invited me to Haiti with you. WOW that was amazing. I couldn't believe you wanted ME to go. We had an amazing time. And our relationship was so much stronger after that trip. We loved on people together, we sang songs together, we laughed with the mission teams and walked around, me in awe and full of wonder once again, and you so happy to show me all that you knew would amaze me. YOu couldn't wait to show me everything. And you were so gentle to me on that trip, you dealt with me so kindly and you took care of me and took care of my heart. And when we got home I felt restored because of all the stuff I had gone through in the months leading up to the trip. YOu were so kind to me and so loving. I remember being so happy and amazed that you loved me so much.

And all the different conferences where I went and you just showed up there....all those times were ao awesome most of the times I wasn't even expecting to see you there and YOU WERE THERE....and then I just started to expect you to be there because you LOVE ME..but I remember some times when i really wanted to see you and I didn't because you never came, and then there were some times that you were there but you didn't talk to me. And those were the times that made me so sad..but probably you were waiting for me to talk to you first. But I didn't. Yeah I don't know.......I know you knew I was there and you were probably just waiting for me to come and talk to you first..sometimes I just get shy and I want to hide. But I knew you loved me the whole time, so i don't really know why it made me sad, but it just pains my heart to not be with you especially if you are THERE in the room or the building or whatever.

But I remember so many times just running into you when I TOTALLY did not expect to, like at the store, and you just surprised me, and like at church those times when I was just at the altar crying and then you just came up again and wrapped your arms around me and met me there and loved me........

YOU ARE SO ROMANTIC I HAVE NEVER SEEN A RELATIONSHIP LIKE THIS IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you I can't wait to see all the great adventures we will have together I could not LIVE WITHOUT YOU!!! You are everything to me, you are my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know we won't be seperated forever. We will be together soon don't worry!!!! I can't wait! As soon as i see you again I will RUN to you and jump into your arms!!!

I JUST WANT TO BE WITH YOU SO BAD!!!!!!!

Oh and let me know what you want me to do next, I'll do whatever you want I will just plan my schedule around when you want me to and stuff. Just let me know. I hope your heart is free and not troubled or bogged down in any way and I hope you ARE REJOICING about all that is to come!

Tell me when you want me to come see you. I can come for 3 months. Then I could come again. Lauren's wedding is coming up soon and I am her maid of honor so I need to be with her but it's ok if I leave for 3 months if we get alot of planning in these 2 months before I leave (if you want me to come in sept.) and then we can really get down to business and get the whip crackin after I get back before the wedding. But i would rather be with you even more than I want to do this wedding. I know I will still get to do it. But I REALLY WANT TO SEE YOU. So let me know.......I WANT TO COME SO BAD AND SEE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE YOU more than anything in the world! <3

How big is God?

I think I had a revelation of just how small my little tiny life in my little tiny corner of my tiny world is.

I think about the millions of generations that have come and gone and come and gone before me....and I think about the ones that will follow...and then I think about God. I think of HIm just watching these generations and generations of millions of people walk the earth. What does He see? What can this look like???? I think of all the babies being born, all the children running around, all the students in school, all the graduations, weddings, birthdays, funerals, all of these events centered around LIFE, human life, that is so fragile......all of them celebrating life or a life lived..and I think ..God is just watching all of this, and He is still God..He has been since before time began, and is now, and is going to be forever..and then I think about that, and how crazy it must be....my gosh it blows my mind. It is absolutely mind blowing to me.

How I am here in my little tiny sphere of life, in this small town, in this county, state, country, continent, world, and then there are billions of other "tiny lives" ....and then...there are millions of other lives..not even human, I mean creatures, animals...millions of them, and then, there is nature, I mean, huge mountains, oceans, canyons, glaciers, ice bergs, hills, trees, forests, rivers, lakes, plains, sky, flowers, plants, rocks, stones, etc. etc. etc., and that's just the earth. Then there are the cosoms. The galaxies. Space that man has never and will never go. I wonder how many galaxies there are. I wonder just how big it actually is.

When I think about all of that.......my life seems so insignificant. It is just one tiny vapor mixed with millions of other tiny vapors (the lives of people on the earth) in this tiny corner of the earth.

When I get upset at something that happens in my life, or some set of circumstances that I don't like, or some heartache that inevitably will come my way, I am just reminded how SMALL of an issue it is. When it seems like it is so bad and I just hate it so much and it is so hard to go through........God taps me on the shoulder and I am left speechless...WOW. My life is so insignificant in light of all this. In light of YOU and who you are, God. And I get a HUGE reality check. Like major reality check.

My life seems to disappear, like vanish, like the fog or the mist, just like it says in James 4:14
"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." and in Isaiah 40 " "All men are like grass,
and all their glory is like the flowers of the field.

7 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
because the breath of the LORD blows on them.
Surely the people are grass.

8 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God stands forever." v.6,7,8

I love it when that happens. When my my perspective is shifted into the right one, the way it should be.

Someday I will know why. Someday I won't have any more questions. Someday I will understand it all. It doesn't make sense to me, how big God is. How big the world is, the earth, and everything else. Eternity doesn't make sense. I can't wrap my mind around any of it no matter how hard I try. But all I really need to know is that God is God. That brings me so much peace, so much HOPE. Someday He and I will see eye to eye. But right now I am confined to this earth, to the bounds of humanity. One day I will be free, my heart will be free, and I will be with Him, and I will know what He knows, and I will understand.

God is so comforting. It is so comforting to rest in His arms and to know that HE KNOWS. HE KNOWS ALL. That HE IS HIGHER than anything and everything else. HE IS BIGGER THAN ANYTHING. HE IS GOD. And I'm on His side. So I have nothing to fear.

I want to be with Him, wherever He is, I want to be involved in what He's doing, I want to find out what He knows about the world and about eternity and everything, even though my small mind can't comprehend all of it. I want to talk with Him and walk with Him and watch what He does. I want to watch Him as He moves and works. I want to be a copycat. I want to be just like my Father.

.........................He rewards those who seek Him WITH ALL THEIR HEART, and those who search Him out.....

Revival Booklet

I cannot keep my mind from going there. As much as I try to think about things that really don't mean so much in the grand scheme of things, just to distract me or help me “avoid” this massive thing that I KNOW He is calling me to do something about, all of my striving never works. I cannot help but go back to this. My heart is strongly attached ....to His heart, and to this massive calling. Laying in bed at night, I try to not think about it, but it is impossible. Why do I not want to think about it? Why do I try and stop my thoughts from being born?

Perhaps because ........if I think about it, I might be convicted, just a little. I might be pushed. I might be made a bit uncomfortable, knowing that I have not been praying with desperation and have not desired this thing enough. If God puts it on your heart, it is impossible to “sort of” want it, or “kind of” want it, or halfheartedly pray about it. If God puts it on your heart, it is impossible to want it REALLLLLY bad and not do something about it.

No, when God puts it on your heart, it is impossible to ignore. The desiring gets too deep. It pulls and tugs at your heart until you can no longer pretend that it's not there, or you will do something about it later, maybe tomorrow. Because then......tomorrow comes, and you don't do anything about it. And in essence, you slowly lure your heart back to sleep and dull your ears to the leading of His voice. And that is a tragedy.

What is this thing, you ask? What is this thing that is completely impossible to ignore? What is this thing that is absolutely necessary and completely, undeniably missing from our world?

........REVIVAL.........

You may wonder why revival is so absolutely wrenching on the soul. Why is it so painfully, unquenchably strong? Why is it so impossible to ignore?

.......It is like a steady heartbeat, slowly getting faster and faster, and more steady, and louder, until you HAVE GOT to do something about it. If you don't, your heart will explode. It is so strong. That is what this yearning is like. And I have felt it for almost 3 years. I have to say that it is my own fault I have not done much about it. I am the only one to blame. For almost 3 years this burning has been ablaze inside me, but I have tried to ease it down. For what? Am I waiting on something? For the perfect moment? Why have I tried to contain this flame that wants to roar and burst out of this box that I am trying to contain it in?

.........Perhaps it is fear. This fire is absolutely frightening. It is huge, it is new, it is CHANGE. It is SHIFT. It is a completely scary thing. I am not scared of change, but a change this massive is like a complete, 180 degree turn around and I don't know what to expect. Before, during, or after. That is frightening.

But I can't stay away from it. I can't deny it. It just keeps getting stronger and stronger inside of me.

I read stories of past revivals, I read about men like Charles Wesley, and the group of young men in Ireland who had such a strong yearning and undeniable passion heart-cry for nothing less than A MOVE OF GOD, A REVIVAL, that they held a prayer meeting for countless days, refusing sleep and refusing to eat, denying “reality” and the mundane-ness of every day life, in exchange for GOD HIMSELF, and I read these things, and my heart burns within me. It is such a stirring that takes place in my spirit.

I hear about school revivals, where they have to cancel school because GOD CAME and every student in the school was ON THEIR FACE before Him. Where the spirit of God fell and brought such conviction that people ran out of the bars and out of the stores and ran into the churches and stayed for days, unable to get away from the heavy hand of God upon them.

Individual lifestyles, corporate communities and whole cities were changed, and shook entire nations. I hear about the men who cried to the Lord “GOD GIVE ME SOULS OR I DIE!” And who cried for their nations, “GOD GIVE ME SCOTLAND OR GIVE ME DEATH!” And one man who was in such deep, gut-wrenching, anguish of the soul while praying that it actually affected his physical heart, doctors found that his hear had moved from the side of his chest to the middle.

I hear about these things, and I wonder why can't I see them in my day and time? Habakkuk's prayer is now becoming mine : “LORD, I have heard of your fame; I stand in awe of your deeds, O LORD. Renew them in our day, in our time make them known; in wrath remember mercy.” [Hk. 3:2]

I know that I don't desire it strong enough to see it fully manifested right now. But I am believing that He will make me so desperate for revival and for His move, that it will start to knock and pound on heaven's door and soon unlock heaven and rain down. God answers desperate prayers. He answers genuine cries for His presence. He comes to the needy and the ones in deep inner anguish and turmoil. GOD ANSWERS THE DESPERATE.

I am not yet desperate enough. I know this because I do not have the desire to stay up for 3 nights without sleep and without food contending for Him to come. I contend, I intercede, I ask for His face, but I do not beg. I am not desperate. I want Him, but how bad do I want him? I want his hand, his touch, his face, his presence, but I will be okay if I don't get it. I want Him to come, but I will manage if He doesn't. If He comes, that is awesome, but if He doesn't, I will be content with the rest.

I cannot tell you how badly I want to break and shatter this mindset. It is a horrible way of thinking. All I know is, I MUST BE DESPERATE. I MUST BE FILLED WITH HUNGER. I cannot stand to live my life with that mindset. I have been asking God to make this fire so strong within me that I have no choice but to become desperate.

I want to get to the place where I have such a strong hunger that I spend hour after hour in deep intercession, crying for God to come, begging Him for mercy, and wetting heaven's gates with my tears. I want Him to make me hungry.

Even then, when I get to that place, I wonder, can we corporately get to that place? Can God so move on our hearts that we all tie together in one accord and in holy desperation and plead for Him to come? Can we together usher in an unprecedented move of God, the greatest revival yet to come, the harvest of a billion souls, the last, greatest, and final revival that is to take place before Christ's return? Is ith possible?

I SAY YES! I believe THIS IS THE WILL OF GOD!
Can you imagine, hundreds of thousands of millions of God's people, crying out in unison, in a holy desperation, with a hunger so deep and heavy, willing to go without food and without sleep, because we are so heavily desperate for Him, that we could split the skies and cause God to MOVE and to rend the heavens and come down and meet us in our place of deep hunger? I want to see it with my eyes!

When I think about that, I wonder........how much capacity is there for God in our lives, in our world? How much room is there for Him? How much room will we allow Him to occupy? I want nothing less that OVERFLOW. I don't want Him to be contained. Because I will tell you right now, He CANNOT BE CONTAINED. He is not going to come and live in a box.

It just makes me wonder, even if we are so deeply hungry, how much capacity is there? “GOD, I AM SO DESPERATE FOR YOU TO COME! I WANT YOU SO MUCH! I NEED YOU SO BADLY!” But do we keep locked up in our hearts the secret little notion “Just don't come on Friday night, because I already have plans” or “I'm so so desperate, but when you come, just make sure all the hype is over by tuesday, because I have stuff to do. Just don't come on this night, because the NBA Finals are on and I can't miss that! Any other time is good though! Just don't interrupt my work day. It's really important.”

I wonder, could it be that He wants to INTERRUPT EVERYTHING? What if God wants, on friday night, instead of your plans, to sweep through the city and cancel everyone's plans, so that everyone is overtaken by the extreme power of God, and falling on their faces overwhelmed with deep conviction and amazed at the great love of God? Would that not be better than your out-to-dinner plans? Would that not far outweigh your plans to relax and enjoy your weekend with pizza and a movie night? What would you rather have: a relaxing, pleasurable weekend to recuperate for the week ahead, or GOD to COME DOWN out of heaven and place His hand upon you so strongly that you don't even NEED to recuperate for the week ahead, because you have been so blasted and are in awe of HIS GLORY that the week ahead is going to be a breeze, because you are in His presence?

When God visits, the hard becomes easy, the crazy and hectic becomes calm, the madness becomes sane, the darkness becomes light, everything becomes visible, and HE OPENS YOUR EYES. Your attitude is changed, your countenance is changed, your outlook and perspective are shifted, the heaviness lifts and is replaced with His easy burden. What seemed so mundane is now meaningful. Your questions are answered. Your day to day life MATTERS. And why? Because He has come. He has breathed life into every sphere of YOUR life.

HIS PRESENCE CHANGES EVERYTHING.

What if God wanted to do all of that, but couldn't because we placed Him in a box. What if we had just kept going a little bit longer, prayed a little bit harder, instead of leaving because it is dinner time?

WHAT IF WE MADE ROOM FOR GOD.

What if we became okay with Him interrupting us. What if it became alright if He wanted stay longer and cause us to miss this meeting, or that appointment? What if, instead of our doctor appointment, He wanted to come, and He wanted to heal us? What if, instead of our lunch time, He wanted to come, and He would take away our hunger so that we could enjoy His presence?

What if, instead of leaving at 8:30 pm because we need to go home, He wanted to come and visit us at church, and we wouldn't even have to worry about turning off all the lights or locking up, because He wanted to visit the city, and needed places for the ones He touched to come?

WHAT IF GOD WANTS TO MOVE RIGHT NOW? WILL YOU MOVE OUT OF THE WAY SO THAT HE CAN?

Will you let go of your schedule and your plans, so that He can come and make His own plans? So that He can come and breathe life into you? So that He can come and overwhelm you with waves of His great love?

I want so badly to not stiff-arm Him when He wants to come, just because I have plans. “Not now, God, just wait until later today, I promise you will have as much time as you want then.” But what if He wants to interrupt and come now? Would I let Him do that?

I want my religious boxes and my useless efforts to contain God, to be shattered and broken by the vast, un-containable and massive glory of God. I WANT TO EXPERIENCE HIM ONCE MORE.

How my heart yearns for revival. How much room have we given Him? I have a feeling He needs all of it. He is a big God. So big, in fact, that He cannot be contained. In 1 Kings 8, Solomon is dedicating the temple he has built for the Lord to dwell. He asks this question in verse 27: “But will God really dwell on earth? The heavens, even the highest heaven, cannot contain you. How much less this temple I have built!”

I want to make sure that He has no hindrances in His coming. I want to clear the way and make straight the path for Him to come. I want to remove and throw out and get rid of all hindrances.

If we are ever going to see this near revival that is stirring, we must give Him what He needs to come. He needs us to get out of the way. He cannot come when us humans are in the way with our schedules and plans and “penciling Him in”. He needs absolute freedom, room, capacity, EVERYTHING. He needs all of it. Are we willing to give it up in exchange for HIM? Not his hand, but his face.

I need yearning hunger; I need deep desperation; and I need to make sure I am out of the way, because.....GOD ANSWERS THE DESPERATE CRIES.

Promises

There is no god like the God of Jeshurun, who rides on the heavens to help you, and on the clouds in his majesty. The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. He will drive out your enemy before you, saying “Destroy him!”

So you will live in safety alone, Jacob's spring is secure in a land of grain and new wine, where the heavens drop dew. Blessed are you, O child; who is like you, a child saved by the LORD?

He is your shield and helper, and your glorious sword. Your enemies will cower before you and you will trample down their high places. Deuteronomy 33:26-29

“You will enter Zion with singing, everlasting joy will crown your head. Gladness and joy will overtake you, and sorrow and sighing will flee away!” Isaiah 35:1

“I have loved you with an everlasting love, I have drawn you with loving kindness. I will build you up again, and you will be rebuilt, O virgin daughter. Again you will take up your tambourine and go out to dance with the joyful!” Jeremiah 31:3,4

Divine Devotion

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters – yes, even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not take up his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.”

“Anyone who comes to me but refuses to let go of father, mother, spouse, children, brothers, sisters, yes, even one's own self, cannot be my disciple. Anyone who won't shoulder his own cross and follow behind me can't be my disciple.

v.33“Simply put, if if you're not willing to take what is dearest to you, whether plans or people, and kiss it goodbye, you can't be my disciple.”

To many this would not make sense, this would be the part when they turn and walk away. “That's asking too much. I want to follow Jesus, but I just can't do that.” It is hard to understand why such radicalness is needed. Why is this path so demanding? Why so radical? But one glimpse of the love of Christ is all it takes to silence all your doubt.

This kind of love is a demanding love. A love so genuine and reckless, so wholehearted and zealous demands the same in return. It is a jealous love. It demands all of you. Like the old hymn says, “Love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all.”

I want to end with this verse. It is a call to forsake everything because there is a King who desires your presence.
Now in context, these words are talking to the beautiful virgin girl going to meet king solomon. But I have adopted it as my personal divine invitation to come away with him into his holy courts and be outrageously loved by this beautiful One.

“Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear: Forget your people and your father's house; for the King is enthralled by your beauty. Honor Him, for He is your Lord.” Psalm 45:10, 11

Eternity

What happens when it's all gone? What happens when I don't have any of this stuff left? Time is so short. So very short. The great shaking is coming. The end is so near. What is going to sustain me in this great shaking? Will it be all the love and worship songs God and I have shared that I have memorized the lyrics in my head? Will it be the memories of amazing things He and I did together? Will it be the knowledge of former experiences? Will it be the pages and pages documenting my journey with Him? Somehow, it seems that all these things, as beautiful as they are, are not going to sustain in the shaking. What is it, what is the one thing that will sustain in this great shaking that is so near?

It is clinging to the Lion for dear life. Everything will be in uproar – what will sustain me? Holding on to the Fairest of Ten Thousand, clinging to Him for dear life. How is that done? I would like to know.......

Former things cannot and will not sustain me. But they do build a foundation. I need to have a strong foundation. All the adventures God and I have had together, all the songs, all the memories, and all the journals full of all that will build me a very strong foundation. That is very good, and very wise.

But even when the shaking takes place, and I find myself with this strong foundation that comes from years growing up under His wings and spending my life with Him, then what?

Just a foundation is not enough.

When the nations are raging all around, when the whole world is in uproar, when everything is spiraling out of control and the earth is groaning for its Salvation, if I can just HOLD ON TO HIM, I WILL BE OKAY. If I can just cling to Him, I will be okay. He will hide me under His shadow. I will ride with Him as I hold onto this lion's mane. AND I WILL NOT FALL. I WILL STAND WITH HIM. If I move with Him, I will rule with him.

In the hour we are living in, the dawn of the new times, the last hours of the earth, I MUST CLING TO HIM. Only in Him will I find safety, shelter and what I need to remain standing when everything is falling around me.

Psalm 91

He who dwells in the shelter of the
Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the
Almighty. [Shaddai]
I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge
and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.
Surely he will save you from the
fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find
refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield
and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the
darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at
midday. A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes,
and see the punishment of the
wicked.
If you make the Most High your
dwelling –
even the Lord, who is my refuge –
then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels
concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot
against a stone.
You will tread upon the lion and the
cobra;
you will trample the great lion and
the serpent.
“Because he loves me,” says the Lord,
“I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he
acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer
him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”

Why me?

The past few weeks, my eyes have been opened to reality. I have been catching up with a bunch of old friends, hearing about the lives of people I know, and I just think "Why me? Why am I not like them? Why did my life steer away from all of that hurt? Why did my life take such a different route, than even the one I thought it was destined to take? The route that most people like me and my closest friends have taken?"

I wonder why people so close to me are so deeply hurting and I am not. I wonder why almost everyone in my life is in some kind of pain, and I am not. It's not like I am wishing oppression upon myself, but I just wonder WHY. WHY ME. WHY AM I THE ONE GOD SPARED.

I've been hearing people tell me things and I remember just thinking, "Wow, you know, people have had to deal with some pretty tough stuff. People have been through alot. And all I am is blessed. I listen to everyone's problems, and I don't really have any of my own." I know that pain is inevitable, and that everyone experiences some type of extreme heartbreak in a lifetime. And I guess I have had a few heartaches, I mean it's not like my life is perfect and everything is just smooth sailing and I have no problems. But when I look at my life and then I look at other people around me, my problems seem so insignificant. And they almost go away. All the little hurts I have had, they have still been real, but they are just so minor in light of this really hard stuff. I'm almost in awe, like Wow, people are hurting. It's almost like I am seeing it for the first time. And I look at some of my friends who were JUST LIKE ME when we were younger and I always pictured our lives kinda being pretty similar, like turning out in a pretty simple way, because we were so much alike. But, now, I look at our lives, and God has done something TOTALLY DIFFERENT to mine. It's like my life DID NOT GO on the path that it was supposed to. My life didn't, and isn't, turning out like I expected. Like I thought it would like all my friends. People change so much. What is it about me that makes my life different? Why did He choose to spare me from this heartache and pain and sometimes even these mundane lives? I look at my friends lives and think "I was supposed to have that life. But I don't. I would've been just like them, but I'm not." AND WHY. WHY am I not like them? WHAT HAPPENED TO ME, TO MY LIFE? I am completely in awe that God totally turned my life upside down, BEFORE I even went through anything. It's like He saved me BEFORE I could do anything. He didn't even let me go a little bit before He saved me, like so many I know. He completely held so tight to me that I didn't even take one wrong step towards the world. It's like, if I even would have TRIED to, which I did, it wouldn't have done anything. He held onto me and my life so tightly. WHY. WHY. I don't understand. I just wish that He could have done that to some of my friends so that they wouldn't have to suffer so much. WHAT EVEN HAPPENED TO MY LIFE. WHAT DID HE EVEN DO. I don't understand.

He gave me a totally different life. It's like, when I was born, there was a blueprint for me and my life, and He ripped it apart and said "No. Not this one. She's not having this life. I am giving her a new blueprint." WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not even that the original blueprint would have been bad! But He chose to just do a totally different thing! I don't understand. That's the essence of my testimony, I guess...that He held me so close to His side, the world and the devil had NOTHING on me. That He spared me. He plucked me from the fire, BEFORE I EVEN WENT INTO THE FIRE. HE SAVED MY LIFE BEFORE I NEEDED IT.

He chose to spare me. And I will never understand why ME and not this one. But I am eternally grateful. I can't believe He spared me, but He did. And hallelujah.

Staying Grounded and Focused

Well, in the past month or two, I've really been launched into my worship music and as a songwriter. With all this new stuff, new songs, learning alot, getting a lot better playing and learning all these new tricks, and especially writing so many new songs, God has been showing me alot.

How to not be dependant on music. Because what if one day, we are thrown in jail for being lovers of Jesus, and we don't have worship set schedules or a stage to play on or any music or instruments with us?

Hmmm....we can only be so free with schedules. It is good to be organized and it does help alot. But it is one thing to flow in the Spirit doing your worship set and not worry about time or anything, but it is a whole other act of surrender and trust to go without ANYTHING planned at all. I don't think I've ever done that. But I wonder what would happen if I did? I wonder, what would happen if instead of just having a two-hour block that we are supposed to fill, we had no limit? What if the Spirit just led all? I bet He would be good at that. I bet He would even take care of transitioning. It would really be stepping out on a limb to go with nothing at all, but I can't help myself from being curious....I think God would really like that.

It's really hard.....to stay focused on one thing, when there are so many different aspects of being a musician. There are so many things and responsibilites that come with being a leader in this area. But also, I think having ONE THING is absolutely neccessary because, when all these other multitudes of things are vying for your time attention and dedication, and you are at a loss as to which one is real, you can always return to the MAIN THING as your rock. That is loving God with all of you.

Also, when you are called to this, you sacrifice. Now when I listen to music, I don't get as much out of it as I used to, because I do what they do, and I get ideas from it, and I sort of almost critique it in my mind. But all the Lord desires is that hearts are devoted. That we love Him with all of our heart, soul mind and strength. I've learned not to care so much about how it sounds. Because He doesn't. So why should I? If I care so much about how the music sounds, I am caring about it in the eyes of men. I am not entirely focused on the Lord. It is a wonderful thing when the Lord downloads melodies and harmonies and rhythms that sound awesome to the ear. But I cannot focus on that. I HAVE TO STAY FOCUSED ON HIS HEART and MINE BEING DEVOTED TO HIS.

Also, there are SO MANY different songs. BILLIONS of songs. MULTITUDES of different music!!! And I just listen to different things that are sung to the Lord and I wonder "There has got to be one central, main thing that turns every other song into just an add on. What does God want? All of these songs are great and amazing, and God loves it when we sing them with all our hearts, but what is the song He is looking for that is the MAIN THING? Is it the song of the Bride? Could it be the song of the persecuted saints singing 'Hallelujah, yet will we praise You?' or is it the song of war? My heart has been on edge, because I need to know what this central song could be! Or could it be, that the song He most desires is not even ABOUT us, but it is simply putting Him in His rightful place? But even then, which words will adequately do that better than any others? I am at a loss! Maybe there is not a one song that is sweeter to Him than all the rest. But I want to figure it out! I know that the first and greatest commandment is "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul mind and strength." So I know that is what He most desires from His people. But....is there a song.....that will express that to Him? One song? I mean, if all these mulititudes of songs are just add ons to our real love for Him, then WHAT IS the main thing? If it is not a song, what is it? Could it be a LIFE? Or even could it be multitudes of lives? Of hearts so in love with Him that a song will not hold a light to it? WHAT DOES HE WANT? And why is He taking me on this journey of music and worship and adoration, if there is still more? If this worship is just a stop along the road? The road to get to the MAIN THING.

WHAT IS THE MAIN THING. That is my question. For me, I can not settle for multiple things that are equal. For me, I need there to be ONE THING. I need there to be only one thing. My heart is set on a pilgrimage to find the one thing that is needed. I think I will die if I do not find this thing. If I do not live with only ONE purpose. Because if there is only one thing, then the many multitudes of other things, will become what they really are. Good, but not central. WHAT IS THE CENTRAL THING. It might not even be a song.

So that's my today. He is working. :)

HAITI 2009

Being in Haiti really birthed such a compassion in me. Ever since I got home I have been over-emphasizing that word. But first, I will tell the details and stuff everyone wants to know.
.. ..

Haiti is absolutely beautiful and the people are amazing. They are so steadfast and loving. Very open, welcoming and receptive of missionaries. I know that is not the case for all of them, but as a whole this is who they are. They are wonderful. But Haiti is also broken and very much in need of restoration and healing. I saw it in both lights. This little country is so very ripe for a mighty move of God and His hand is upon it so strongly. Every day I spent time with the people I asked myself over and over “How do they feel? What are they thinking? What is in their hearts?” I desperately wanted to know. I wanted to get inside their heads and hearts and I wanted to know them.
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We would walk through the villages in the mornings and see the people and their little “houses” and their families. We saw their way of life. We saw them in their element, in their everyday. We would drive through the streets and see up close their culture. We saw the men hard at work, the women busy in their fields, the young men down on the ground making their tin art in the tin shops, the kids from the villages playing soccer and taking care of their young siblings. We walked up and down the streets and saw the vendors with their baskets full of colorful things. We heard every night their creative music (beautiful but some of it was…awful, I must admit, horrible sound)
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It is never quiet in Haiti. There is constant noise. Barking dogs, music, yelling, babies crying, constant traffic noise, horns, parties. The smells made me nauseous and gave me breathing problems. But the smiles I got kinda made up for it. Beautiful people.
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Staying in the mission house was an adventure in itself. The missionary teams were great fun and so welcoming to me. I enjoyed hanging out with them almost as much as the Haitians. I loved having breakfast and dinner with 30 people, it was like being in a huge family. The conversation was so light and pleasant and a lot of times hilarious. One night I had to get up and go in the other room to get myself under control. The food was INCREDIBLE, so delicious. I did not have one bad meal the whole time. I did get really used to peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, pringles and vanilla cookies. That was lunch basically every day. Also, I got really used to “fetching water” from a purified container and brushing my teeth every night with a cup of water because the tap water is unclean and not safe for drinking or brushing. I am happy to say I only slipped up once, on the last day too! But I would have to say the best part was the cold showers, I thought I would die, but I realized I can tolerate a lot, I’m a tough little thing!
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One of the highlights for me was staying in Greg and Cathie’s apartment the 2nd week. I got to hear their testimony 3 times (twice to the teams) but one night Cathie and I got to talk and she told me her whole story. It was so encouraging to me because I had been struggling with trusting God and hearing His voice and getting really worried about where to go next and what He wanted for me. She really helped me so much and gave me some verses that helped her hear His voice. Besides that I miss sitting in their kitchen at night eating all of Greg’s oreos and drinking their milk (which is really good – and rare, I think) journaling about what God is saying to me through all this.
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And I can’t forget getting up at 6:30 every morning to make it to breakfast at 7, then heading out in that horrible squeaky, bumpy truck with the teams. With all the thick Haitian dust giving me breathing issues.
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But if I had to pick a favorite part it would have to be without a doubt the children. I got build such close relationships over just a few days and with language and culture barriers. I love those kids. And they knew it too. Each one of them had a story.

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Back to COMPASSION. What does it mean? I will start with this: To truly know someone, you know them inside and out and so deeply that you begin to take on their likeness. And….you take on their heart. Their heart becomes yours. So when I was 16 I set my heart on a pilgrimage to know the heart of God. Then when I turned 18, I decided I wanted all of it, the good, the bad, the joy and the agony. I said “God, give me all of your heart. I want to be like you. Break my heart for what breaks yours.”
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And a week into this trip, I was sitting up on the roof looking out over the city and the mountains, and I said “God, I am not afraid for my heart to be broken.” It was that moment that I became ready and open to receive the burdens that are in His heart. I became receptive, able to receive it. That moment something shifted in me. I knew heartbreak was coming. Because I had just made myself open and vulnerable to the Lord’s working.
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And I believe that he was so pleased with that. I believe he couldn’t wait to give me his heart. “Yes! I’ve found another one who wants it!” I think he was so excited that one of his children asked for his heart and likeness, willing to lay down their life in exchange for it. And oh boy, he gave it to me! Yes, my heart was broken. In the week that followed, he opened my eyes to the pain and oppression of the Haitians. I met people with stories you would not believe, heard stories you would not believe. I saw things that tore me on the inside (such as visiting the ravine).
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When Greg and Cathie visited us in FL, they told us about a school up over the ravine that was in session one day, and apparently had not been built on a good foundation. It just collapsed, with tons of children inside. They said they went to the lookout later that day and heard weeping all into the night. One woman was told that her five children were in the hospital. She went there to find them, and was told they were at a burial site. She went there and all five of them were dead, she then dropped over dead because it was too much for her.
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The first day I was there I met a girl named Solel who was actually one of my first Haitian friends. She was about 12 years old. She would come to the site every day to see us and hang out. About Wednesday in the 2nd week, a woman on the mission team told me that during the day a girl came up to her and told her that her dad had just died. She was ready to go live in an orphanage because her mother was so upset and could barely take care of them anymore. The woman asked her if they had enough food, and she said no, they don’t. All she wants is to go to school, but they can’t afford that. On Friday, I ran up and gave Solel a hug and noticed she was holding a card. She was telling some other kids about it. Then she looked at me and pointed to the card and said “Papa”. I grabbed the woman on the team and said “Is this the girl who…” And she nodded her head. I ran into a corner and broke down. I couldn’t believe it. When I finally stopped crying, I went back out to the kids and Solel looked at me and then pointed at the card and made a death motion. She looked so sad. All week she had been laughing, jumping rope, hugging me and playing with the kids and now here she was and I saw what her life was really like. Her sister Sophia was one of the ones I also grew to really love, she was about 14. Both her and Solel would come to the site and say “Annah! Annah!” over and over just because they like to say it.
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Friday was a very hard day for me, not only because of that. We had planned to leave the work site at noon to go back to the mission house and get ready to go up to the mountain. We were going to eat lunch in the truck on the way there. But we had to eat at the work site instead. We sent the kids away so we could eat. They went to sit on the steps. I was still tearing up over Solel and then I noticed Megan crying (she was on the team). We got our sandwiches and went into the room because we could not eat. Then I found out that one of the kids actually asked another team member “Why do you teach us about Jesus when we come here, and you don’t feed us?” I set my sandwich down, because there was no point in eating it. I just couldn’t do it. Pastor Rob came in and gave me a hug and said “You know Hannah there are a bunch of kids in Florida that you can feed.”
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All week I just wanted to take just one of those kids in the room and give them my sandwich and have the translator tell them “Ok, I’m going to give you this, but you can’t tell anyone else. Do you understand? You can’t say anything to anyone.” I just wanted to give them food. We couldn’t because if you give some of them food, the next day you will have the whole village and you won’t have enough. Those kids eat once a day, maybe twice if they are lucky and the translator told us that it is usually rice or some kind of dish like that. So every day they would watch Americans come and build them a new church and work with their kids and then send them away so they could have their American lunch. That was the hardest thing for me. I would have preferred that we didn’t even bring lunch and just eat before and after, for that reason.
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I met another little boy who I was told had 7 other siblings, whose dad was in prison. He wore a long woman’s shirt every day for 5 days. The 6th day, he had another shirt underneath that one. He was filthy. We asked the kids one day about church, and one boy said he does not go to church because his parents do voodoo up in the mountains. I just looked at him and thought “You know, he is never going to have a good or an easy life. He is always going to be poor and dirty and most likely he is already being raised in voodoo and if something doesn’t happen to change his life, he is going to grow up and do it just like them.” It made me so sad. I heard all this stuff on the last day. I spent 2 weeks playing and laughing with these kids and then the day before I left, I learned about their lives. It really broke me.
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God filled me with compassion for PEOPLE not only children. He gave me a passion to love, and also a passion to see justice. Since Haiti He has awakened in me a desire to rescue, love and care for sick, orphaned, poor, abandoned, abused, mistreated and broken people that the world doesn’t even notice. But especially children. I want to see light in their eyes, and innocence back in their face and I want to see them smile. I remember asking God “WHY! WHY ARE THEY SO ABANDONED AND NEGLECTED AND IN SUCH PAIN? DON’T YOU CARE ABOUT THEM? WHY DO THEY SUFFER SO STRONGLY WHEN I HARDLY SUFFER AT ALL?! IT’S NOT FAIR, IT’S NOT FAIR!” I felt so powerless, so helpless to do anything. I could do nothing for them, to reach them. I want JUSTICE. God began to put in me such an ignited passion and I believe this is the start of what will become my life mission. I want to bring Jesus to the world and justice to the nations and I WANT TO SEE HEALING COME TO THE BROKEN ONES!
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Thank you all for reading and praying. I had an amazing experience and hopefully will have many more this coming year. I am trusting God to provide more money for me to travel and do more mission work.