its all about to change......

Now more than ever I feel my heart shifting into what is next.....I know that this full and abundant time will not last forever. I dont know how much longer my life is going to be so full and rich and happy and full of life. I know what He has called me to. Its an entire 180degree turn from the path I wanted for myself. He told me it is going to be filled with LIFE, if I take this way. But do you know....I used to think differently about what "full of life" meant. I used to think that if my life was "full of life" it would be happy, joyful, rich in blessings all the time. No. I was missing the point. When God told me full of life He meant something else. He meant HIS way of life. "Whoever seeks to save his life will lose it, ...whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.." He meant OH SO SWEET and also OH SO HARD. You see, I don't think you can have just one without the other. If you have one without the other, then life really isn't all that great. It's drinking from the cup of blessing AND the cup of suffering that makes it all worth it.

How can suffering make it all worth it? For me there is only one way to have anything to present to God at the end of it all. Its if I walked through EVERYTHING, as much as I could like Jesus. Let me tell you the way Jesus lived was DEFINITELY not always sweet and blessed and prosperous. But the thing is , he knew his mission and he knew his calling. He did not go through life dreading it, but rather he longed for it, because "he knew that it was his calling and purpose in life as a man at that time. To betrothe a fallen harlot back to himself." [audra lynn]

I just think to myself, how can I know what He has asked of me (the same as him) and know the destiny that He has placed on my life, and choose not to go that way? How can I see his love for me, and then hear his calling for me, and choose something else? I can't even imagine doing that, or what my life would be like if I did.

You know what I just told God one night "You know I don't CARE if I ever write a book or make a cd or live here in america in abundance. Go ahead God take that from me. Take as many of my dreams as you want from me. If I NEVER get to make the cd that ive always wanted to do, its ok. If I never get to dance again, its ok. If my life never turns out the way I pictured it in my little cinderella dreams as a little girl, its ok. God you can have all of me. I AM THE OFFERING. I dont want to give you just my money, or just my worship, or just my compassionate heart, I WANT TO GIVE YOU ME. I'M the offering. You gave YOU as an offering, so I want to give me. You didnt come here and give me money. You didnt come to earth and give me blessings, or a good life, or any of that. You came here and gave me ALL OF YOU as an offering. You are the example of what I have to do. My life isn't even mine to give up. Its always belonged to you.

All I know to do is just give him everything. Thats all I know to do. Thats just where my heart belongs. My heart thrives in the laying down and letting go and emptying.

I so look forward to the path that He wants to take me on, instead of my own. When I talk to people I grew up with and havent talked to in a while, and I tell them about what I'm doing, and theyre just like "Wow, i never would have guessed that," or "I never saw that coming" .....And I'm just like "I know, me neither."

I never dreamed that all my dreams would not come true, but instead there was a whole other set of dreams for me that I dont yet know, and I never dreamed that I would be so excited to give mine up and exchange them.


Its like, every time I sit down again to a huge meal, I think of those dears who havent ever got to do that. Every time I put on a cd, or open up a notebook, or even send a text message, i think of those who dont even know what its like to own , even a book. Or a blanket. Every time I drive around, I think of those who have to walk everywhere. Every time I'm at church, I think of those who stay at theirs for hours and hours, because there's not anywhere else they have to go after. There's nowhere even TO go. They have nothing else to do. They don't have anything.

Even just HEARING about the poorest of the poor, it makes me think Im missing something. Theres something about the heart of the poor "that God responds to" [heidi baker] ....They dont know anything about our way of life. If they saw even a small FRACTION, they would be overwhelmed. All they know is that they are in need and if God doesn't come, they will die. Thats how I want to live. Im not saying Im wishing to be poor. Im not saying I want to go forsake america and go live in africa in a tent made out of a sheet. I just want my heart to be in its rightful place. And if it takes going to africa for God to do that, then heck put me on a plane right now. I'm missing something. I have too much. I dont know what its like to be in need, really in need. I'm too rich. [And I'm not even rich] I just want God to sift through my heart until there's nothing in there that is AT ALL of ME. Until I KNOW THAT I NEED HIM.

I need God just like the man who doesnt own a pair of shoes needs him.
I need God just as much as the hopeless hooker that I see almost every day when I drive home.
I need God just as much as the anciently old beggar in haiti who came up to me and held out her wrinkly, old, weathered hand and looked up at me with tiny slitted eyes.
I need God just like the little kid with a life-sucking disease needs him.
I'M NOT GOING TO PUSH GOD AWAY JUST BECAUSE I HAVE EVERYTHING I COULD EVER WANT RIGHT AT MY FINGERTIPS. I NEED HIM SO MUCH! I NEED GOD!

I just want the whole world to see that WE ARE ALL DESPERATELY IN NEED OF GOD. But most won't ever see that. There's no room for God. Because everything else is here. There's no capacity for God, because everything else takes up all the space. Theres no need for God, because we're rich. We don't NEED anything. We have everything we could ever want.

It makes me so sad. I cant hardly even turn on the tv anymore without the thoughts of those dear people who KNOW they need God running over and over through my brain. I can hardly get mad when some other driver cuts me off without this tug on my heart that says "Don't miss the point.....you are a human being in desperate need of God....what makes you think you deserve anything?"

I know God has been calling me to go to poor nations since Ive been old enough to grasp why He wants me there. Hes been putting nations on my heart since I was 17. But now it seems my whole reason for even going has changed. I dont even want to go because I will get to see helpless people helped, or needy people's needs met, or that I will get to give and feed and heal people who need it. Now I just want to go so that I will be emptied. Emptied of my stubborn selfish heart-motives. Emptied of this little attitude that says "I dont need God right now because I have this. But when this is gone I will go pray because I'll need him" I WANT TO BE WITH THE POOR SO IT MAKES ME SEE HOW POOR I AM. I WANT TO SEE MYSELF AND MY DESPERATION IN THESE PEOPLE.

The truth is, we are all needy. ....Who knows what could happen? What if tomorrow a disaster happened and we lost everything? What if we couldnt just drive to starbucks when we're craving this or that? What if we couldnt just go to the doctor because this or that hurts or we have this problem? What if an army of muslim extremists invaded our country and started war here in our streets and our cities? What if our planet got out of its orbit? WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAPPEN, ANY DAY!

THE POINT IS THAT WE CANT BECOME HARD-HEARTED. WE CAN'T MISS THE POINT. WE CAN'T BE BLIND ANYMORE TO OUR NEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just feel like everything is about to change. For me, or for everyone. I dont know. But what I do know is that I can no longer live in all this blessing and miss the whole point of everything. If I can live in prosperity and still acknowledge and act on my desperate need for God then ok, I'll stay. But if I live in abundance, and become stiff necked and independant, I DONT WANT TO STAY HERE!

........just where my heart's at..To be continued... sometime, ...maybe..?

october 5 09 where my heart is

He still pursues me even when I don't respond to Him.

When my heart is pulled in so many different directions, with so many things vying for my attention, affection. Even when my affections are not on Him, and my gaze is not on him. He still pursues me.

And I always complain that "I'm not hearing anything from God! He won't talk to me, He doesn't show up, I can't feel His presence," etc. etc. etc.

How can I expect someone to do any of those things when I ignore them? When I don't act like I want to be with them or hear from them? "I;m not hearing anything from God!" Well, am I posturing myself to hear anything? Am I preparing my heart for something He might say? Am I pursuing His voice, or His words? He might have a lot He wants to say to me or talk to me about. But do I even give him enough time? Or enough room? Is there any room in my heart to hold the things of God? Or is the space in my heart already occupied and taken up by the many things I must do or think about or dwell upon or analyze? HOW MUCH ROOM IS THERE FOR GOD TO SPEAK TO ME, TO BE WITH ME? HOW MUCH CAPACITY IS THERE IN MY LIFE FOR GOD?

He will only come if there's room for Him, IF I DESIRE HIM, IF I PURUSE HIM. Yes, sometimes He will choose to pour out his spirit on anything and everything and even if you are in the way you will get it, because nothing gets in the way of God. But He longs to be DESIRED by us. He wants us to WANT him.Its so simple, RELATIONSHIP.

He already loved us before we even loved him back, and he already died for us when we were still sinners. But now that we know that, wouldn't it be natural for us to LOVE HIM? For us to desire closeness with him?

When my heart is tugged at by the daily things I have to face, my job, my responsibilites, errands, my "to-do list", etc. , is His tugging stronger? Which one do I respond to? It is usually all the other things.

He whispers things to me every day because I don't have the time, room or capacity to listen to him actually talk or pour out his heart to me. He nudges me every day because I don't want to be bothered with an interruption in my day, because it might ruin my plans. THE POINT IS THAT HE STILL PURSUES. HE DOES NOT IGNORE ME, EVEN THOUGH I IGNORE HIM.

He is waiting, longing for me to be with him, for no other reason or agenda than companionship, that he wants a best friend.

He is also holy. He is not going to sit around and wait for me to get it together and finally come trudging in to him at the end of the day exhausted. If I am not open, receptive, or willing, or if I don't respond to his pursuit, then he will find someone else to pour his spirit on. He will find someone else that he can trust with his heart and with his work. If I don't want it, you better believe there is someone else who does. There is some willing, open vessel that is crying "USE ME, GOD! SEND ME, GOD! POUR OUT YOUR SPIRIT ON ME! COME BE WITH ME! I WANT TO PARTNER WITH YOU!"

He will take anyone that wants it, it's not an elite club. But you cannot be divided. That's one thing I 've learned.

THE ONE NECCESSITY OR QUALIFICATION IS - AN UNDIVIDED HEART <3

"I will give them an undivided heart, I will put a new spirit within them, I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh."

That has been my heart's cry for the past month or so. "GOD, GIVE ME AN UNDIVIDED HEART! LET ALL MY AFFECTIONS BE ON YOU ALONE! LET ALL MY ATTENTION BE ON YOU! LET MY GAZE BE FOCUSED ON YOU, LET IT NOT TURN AWAY FROM YOUR FACE, YOUR EYES!"

I just want more of Him. I want to use this time in my life that I will never get back, this precious time when I can be completely and utterly abandoned because I don't have other people to divide my heart or people to take care of, (like my husband or my kids) I want to not waste any of this time. I want to as consecrated as possible. I want as much of Him as I can possibly hold !!!!! I want to contain as much of God as I can even contain at this point, as small of a vessel as I am, I WANT HIM TO FILL ME! Fill me to the brim, til Im overflowing.

That's what I want. I dont WANT anything else. Nothing else appeals to me right now. I ONLY WANT HIM! MY HEART CRIES OUT FOR HIM, MY SOUL IS LONGING FOR HIM

I want to take my passion, put it in a bottle just to break it at Your feet. I want to take my affections, put them in a bottle, just to waste it at You feet.

"My soul longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. AND MY SOUL LONGS FOR YOU IN A LUSH AND WEALTHY LAND WHERE THERE IS WATER, I DONT' WANT THAT WATER, I WANT YOU I ONLY WANT YOU!" [ps. 63:1]