Sometimes there are those seasons in my life where words just don't ever convey anything that is in my heart.
When every time I try to talk to someone, the words that I want to say just aren't there, so no one ever truly gets what is really stirring inside.
When I want so bad to pick up the phone and just pour out everything to someone, but I know I won't be able to, because I don't even truly know. I just know something is stirring and swelling, and it's almost overwhelming.
When every time I try to sit down and type something, I always end up hitting backspace, over and over again, until finally I just hit close and resolve to have a swelling heart with no outlet but the Lord's heart.
And when you I that, there comes a great exchange between two hearts, and they pour out and into eachother again and again and it seems to never end.
This is one such season for me. Since September my heart has been one big sloppy mess of emotion, excitement and aliveness often causing me to break down in tears anywhere and everywhere, and for whatever reason. Not sadness, just overwhelming-ness. <3
And every day I search for an outlet, but at the end of every day I always reach the same conclusion: there is no outlet but the heart of God.
This is the season to dream. God is doing something amazing, and He is allowing me and others close to me to start stirring on the inside and causing our hearts to long. And now He is placing His hand on these desires He has given, and causing little sparks to spark passion in others, and He is really on the move here.
I have never felt my heart grow so large in such a small amount of time, in my entire walk with the Lord. In 4 months I feel like I have grown four years. What in the world?!
Such a sweet season <3
Still I have not even scratched the surface of what is going on. That's ok. There is something still and quiet and extremely beautiful about only Him knowing everything. <3
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Oh How He Loves....People
The other day I was out in public somewhere and I can't remember exactly what happened but someone did something that made me feel angry inside, and I remember thinking in my head "Wow, RUDE.." and IMMEDIATELY following those words in my head the Lord spoke and cut straight to my heart: "LOVE."
There wasn't even a pause in between my thought and God's parenting.
"RUDE.."
"LOVE."
He didn't even give me a chance to feel upset or angry for one second. I had forgotten. I'M SUPPOSED TO LOVE.
"God, hello, did you not see what they just did? That was SO rude! WOW. Did you not see that?!"
"LOVE."
Just like that. It totally canceled out MY feelings, what I was thinking, etc. And I wasn't angry or upset at all anymore. I felt my heart expand just a little bit bigger.
Everywhere I go, my heart goes out to every person I see. People probably think I have a problem or something, but I will look at someone and think to myself "How is his day going? What is he thinking, what's his history, and how does he feel" or "Is she in the middle of a really busy day today? Is her heart in pain?" Etc. etc. etc.
Did you know that EVERY SINGLE PERSON has a past, present and future. They all have a story. They all have hurts, they all have wishes and dreams, they all could write a book about their lives.
This is what Jesus came for. To bridge the gap between humanity and the Holy. That a God so big, so mysterious and so entirely Set-Apart and Holy, who knows no boundaries, could step down and limit himself in the box of time and of space, and relate to these tiny lives. And tell us that He knows, He gets it, and He understands. And that He cares.
Jesus cares that your mom used to beat you and scream at you. Jesus cares that your dad left when you were little. Jesus cares that people didn't understand you. Jesus cares that you were hurt by your best friend. Jesus cares that the guy you like didn't want you. Jesus cares that you felt lonely. Jesus cares that you don't like your job. Jesus cares that you want this or that. Jesus cares that you like to watch football. Jesus cares that you love coffee. Jesus cares about the big things, AND the little things.
He came and walked the earth because He cares, because He wanted us to know that He sees us, and He understands us. He lived and breathed real air into real lungs.
He scraped His knee as a child and felt the pain of being an outcast as an adult. He ran and played as a child and He laughed and feasted as an adult.
HE CARES.
God is Holy, but He became human.
LOVE!
Merry Christmas :)
There wasn't even a pause in between my thought and God's parenting.
"RUDE.."
"LOVE."
He didn't even give me a chance to feel upset or angry for one second. I had forgotten. I'M SUPPOSED TO LOVE.
"God, hello, did you not see what they just did? That was SO rude! WOW. Did you not see that?!"
"LOVE."
Just like that. It totally canceled out MY feelings, what I was thinking, etc. And I wasn't angry or upset at all anymore. I felt my heart expand just a little bit bigger.
Everywhere I go, my heart goes out to every person I see. People probably think I have a problem or something, but I will look at someone and think to myself "How is his day going? What is he thinking, what's his history, and how does he feel" or "Is she in the middle of a really busy day today? Is her heart in pain?" Etc. etc. etc.
Did you know that EVERY SINGLE PERSON has a past, present and future. They all have a story. They all have hurts, they all have wishes and dreams, they all could write a book about their lives.
This is what Jesus came for. To bridge the gap between humanity and the Holy. That a God so big, so mysterious and so entirely Set-Apart and Holy, who knows no boundaries, could step down and limit himself in the box of time and of space, and relate to these tiny lives. And tell us that He knows, He gets it, and He understands. And that He cares.
Jesus cares that your mom used to beat you and scream at you. Jesus cares that your dad left when you were little. Jesus cares that people didn't understand you. Jesus cares that you were hurt by your best friend. Jesus cares that the guy you like didn't want you. Jesus cares that you felt lonely. Jesus cares that you don't like your job. Jesus cares that you want this or that. Jesus cares that you like to watch football. Jesus cares that you love coffee. Jesus cares about the big things, AND the little things.
He came and walked the earth because He cares, because He wanted us to know that He sees us, and He understands us. He lived and breathed real air into real lungs.
He scraped His knee as a child and felt the pain of being an outcast as an adult. He ran and played as a child and He laughed and feasted as an adult.
HE CARES.
God is Holy, but He became human.
LOVE!
Merry Christmas :)
Thursday, December 2, 2010
The question......
So I am putting a fleece before the Lord now. (Judges 6:36-38)
I'm asking Him for something. If He says yes, HE IS SO FAITHFUL TO ME! Hallellujah!
If He says no, HE IS SO FAITHFUL TO ME! HALLELUJAH!!!!
Whatever He says, He is so good to me. I have learned and still learning to trust Him. That He can do whatever He wants to, and whatever He does is good. Sometimes it's really hard to say that. But it is always true.
My hope is in God. It's in His character and His nature.
My hope is not in what I want to happen. Because the thing I want to happen....it might, and it might not. 50/50. And if my hope is in it, what happens if it doesn't happen? Where does my hope go? If it doesn't happen, I will be disappointed.
---IF--- my hope is in it.
But IF my hope is in the LORD, then whether it does or does not happen, my hope will not waver. Because my hope isn't resting on the results of this thing. It's resting on the FACT that My God is faithful to me, always, every time. He's faithful to my heart. So if I don't get what I'm asking for, it won't shake me. Because I know that He is faithful.
SO.
Here are the two things I may say. I'm going to say one of them. I don't know which one. And I don't know when I will find out which one. But here they are:
"Lord, may I have this?"
....."Yes, you may."
"HALLELJUAH! YOU ARE SO FAITHFUL TO ME! THANK YOU SO MUCH!"
This one will fill me with joy, and stamp that trust on my heart even stronger, and be a testimony of His unfailing goodness to me.
"Lord, may I have this?"
....."No, not this time."
"THANK YOU, LORD. YOU ARE FAITHFUL TO ME. YOU ARE GOOD. I CHOOSE TO TRUST YOU. HALLELUJAH" <3
This one will make me strong in heart, and continue the ongoing trust lesson, and be a testimony of perfect leadership.
Whichever one happens, is GOOD for me. HE IS GOOD. He works all things for good.
I know that He is faithful. I don't know how long it will be, but that's not my job. It's not my job to figure out how long it may take until I know.
My job right now, is to keep asking, keep trusting, and wait on Him. He is not going to fail me. And to keep hope alive. Even if He says no, my hope will stay alive because He's good. ("And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:5)
AMEN, AMEN, AND AMEN.
"Lord, may I have this?" <3
I'm asking Him for something. If He says yes, HE IS SO FAITHFUL TO ME! Hallellujah!
If He says no, HE IS SO FAITHFUL TO ME! HALLELUJAH!!!!
Whatever He says, He is so good to me. I have learned and still learning to trust Him. That He can do whatever He wants to, and whatever He does is good. Sometimes it's really hard to say that. But it is always true.
My hope is in God. It's in His character and His nature.
My hope is not in what I want to happen. Because the thing I want to happen....it might, and it might not. 50/50. And if my hope is in it, what happens if it doesn't happen? Where does my hope go? If it doesn't happen, I will be disappointed.
---IF--- my hope is in it.
But IF my hope is in the LORD, then whether it does or does not happen, my hope will not waver. Because my hope isn't resting on the results of this thing. It's resting on the FACT that My God is faithful to me, always, every time. He's faithful to my heart. So if I don't get what I'm asking for, it won't shake me. Because I know that He is faithful.
SO.
Here are the two things I may say. I'm going to say one of them. I don't know which one. And I don't know when I will find out which one. But here they are:
"Lord, may I have this?"
....."Yes, you may."
"HALLELJUAH! YOU ARE SO FAITHFUL TO ME! THANK YOU SO MUCH!"
This one will fill me with joy, and stamp that trust on my heart even stronger, and be a testimony of His unfailing goodness to me.
"Lord, may I have this?"
....."No, not this time."
"THANK YOU, LORD. YOU ARE FAITHFUL TO ME. YOU ARE GOOD. I CHOOSE TO TRUST YOU. HALLELUJAH" <3
This one will make me strong in heart, and continue the ongoing trust lesson, and be a testimony of perfect leadership.
Whichever one happens, is GOOD for me. HE IS GOOD. He works all things for good.
I know that He is faithful. I don't know how long it will be, but that's not my job. It's not my job to figure out how long it may take until I know.
My job right now, is to keep asking, keep trusting, and wait on Him. He is not going to fail me. And to keep hope alive. Even if He says no, my hope will stay alive because He's good. ("And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:5)
AMEN, AMEN, AND AMEN.
"Lord, may I have this?" <3
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Holy Yahweh, AND My Best Friend?!
Sometimes it seems to me like these two titles of God are almost.....not fitting to go together.
Last night I got a huge massive revelation of God.
I was thinking what if God was only one and not the other?
I need GOD, the one who is above all and who has no equal, yet loves ME and my tiny heart. I need You to be all that You are. YAHWEH, and my lover. Are they the same person? If they're not then I will die.
Do you care about the desires of my heart? Do you care about the my longings and what happened and what is happening in my tiny life? Are you the one in charge of all that? Are you the one doing it all and working things together and orchestrating things and leading me? Do you care about my heart? Do you understand me? Do you know why I cry and why I get excited and happy?
If you do, then are you also the One I read about in the Old Testament, the one who has created all things, who is above all, who has set boundaries for the sea, who is such a mystery and does not show your face to men your creation?
If you were only that, only YAHWEH the mystery, the Holy One altogether set apart, then I could never know you and would never know love.
If you were only my intimate heart-friend and lover, then I would be lost and afraid in this huge world and in life with no answers and nothing to hold onto. YOU MUST BE BOTH OR I WILL DIE!
"The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’ As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’" Acts 17:24-28
"The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy." Colossians 1:15-18
"Jesus answered: “Don’t you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? Don’t you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me?" John 14:9, 10
"You have searched me, LORD, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain." Psalm 139:1-6
Last night I got a huge massive revelation of God.
I was thinking what if God was only one and not the other?
I need GOD, the one who is above all and who has no equal, yet loves ME and my tiny heart. I need You to be all that You are. YAHWEH, and my lover. Are they the same person? If they're not then I will die.
Do you care about the desires of my heart? Do you care about the my longings and what happened and what is happening in my tiny life? Are you the one in charge of all that? Are you the one doing it all and working things together and orchestrating things and leading me? Do you care about my heart? Do you understand me? Do you know why I cry and why I get excited and happy?
If you do, then are you also the One I read about in the Old Testament, the one who has created all things, who is above all, who has set boundaries for the sea, who is such a mystery and does not show your face to men your creation?
If you were only that, only YAHWEH the mystery, the Holy One altogether set apart, then I could never know you and would never know love.
If you were only my intimate heart-friend and lover, then I would be lost and afraid in this huge world and in life with no answers and nothing to hold onto. YOU MUST BE BOTH OR I WILL DIE!
"The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’ As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’" Acts 17:24-28
"The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy." Colossians 1:15-18
"Jesus answered: “Don’t you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? Don’t you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me?" John 14:9, 10
"You have searched me, LORD, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain." Psalm 139:1-6
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Rain
One day very soon the floodgates of heaven will be opened up over whole cities and whole nations and we won't be able to contain the downpour.
One day we are going to see His glory cover the earth as the waters cover the seas and it will be the most glorious thing we can imagine.
One day as the saints are crying out in unity for His face like nothing else, longing for the fullness like nothing else, the clouds are going to break and it's gonna rain.
It will rain on the churches.
It will rain on the prayer meetings.
It will rain in the bars and clubs.
It will rain in the streets.
It will rain in the schools.
It will rain in the dumps.
It will rain on jails and prisons.
It will rain in grocery stores and banks.
It will rain in Red-Light Districts.
It will rain in brothels.
It will rain in crack-houses.
It will rain in the universities.
It will rain in Hollywood.
It will rain in Vegas.
It will rain in LA.
It will rain in Washington DC.
It will rain all over Asia, all over Africa, South America, Australia, Europe, Antarctica.
It will rain in Israel.
The rich and poor, the young and old, no one will stay dry. He is coming. The rain is coming! I hear the sound of the coming rain. I see revival rolling in.
And so I hit my knees to contend for this coming rain.
Open up the heavens Lord
One day we are going to see His glory cover the earth as the waters cover the seas and it will be the most glorious thing we can imagine.
One day as the saints are crying out in unity for His face like nothing else, longing for the fullness like nothing else, the clouds are going to break and it's gonna rain.
It will rain on the churches.
It will rain on the prayer meetings.
It will rain in the bars and clubs.
It will rain in the streets.
It will rain in the schools.
It will rain in the dumps.
It will rain on jails and prisons.
It will rain in grocery stores and banks.
It will rain in Red-Light Districts.
It will rain in brothels.
It will rain in crack-houses.
It will rain in the universities.
It will rain in Hollywood.
It will rain in Vegas.
It will rain in LA.
It will rain in Washington DC.
It will rain all over Asia, all over Africa, South America, Australia, Europe, Antarctica.
It will rain in Israel.
The rich and poor, the young and old, no one will stay dry. He is coming. The rain is coming! I hear the sound of the coming rain. I see revival rolling in.
And so I hit my knees to contend for this coming rain.
Open up the heavens Lord
Monday, November 15, 2010
My favorite Jim & Elisabeth Elliott quotes
JIM ELLIOTT:
"What good are Greek, commentaries, insight, gift, and all the rest, if there is no heart for Christ?"
Father, make of me a crisis man. Bring those I contact to decision. Let me not be a milepost on a single road; make me a fork, that men must turn one way or another on facing Christ in me."
"God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with him."
"Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."
"One does not surrender a life in an instant. That which is lifelong can only be surrendered in a lifetime."
"Remember that the shadow a thing casts often far exceeds the size of the thing itself (especially if the light be low on the horizon) and though some future fear may strut brave darkness as you approach, the thing itself will be but a speck when seen from beyond. Oh that He would restore us often with that 'aspect from beyond,' to see a thing as He sees it, to remember that He dealeth with us as with sons."
"God, I pray Thee, light these idle sticks of my life that I may burn for Thee. Consume my life, my God, for it is Thine. I seek not a long life but a full one like You, Lord Jesus."
"We are spiritual pacifists, non-militants, conscientious objectors in this battle-to-the-death with principalities and powers in high places. Meekness must be had for contact with men, but brass, outspoken boldness is required to take part in the comradeship of the Cross. We are "sideliners" -- coaching and criticizing the real wrestlers while content to sit by and leave the enemies of God unchallenged. The world cannot hate us, we are too much like its own. Oh that God would make us dangerous!"
ELISABETH ELLIOTT:
"If we do anything to further the kingdom of God, we may expect to find what Christ found on that road - abuse, indifference, injustice, misunderstanding, trouble of some kind. Take it. Why not? To that you were called. In Latin America someone who feels sorry for himself is said to look like a donkey in a downpour. If we think of the glorious fact that we are on the same path with Jesus, we might see a rainbow."
"If my life is surrendered to God, all is well. Let me not grab it back, as though it were in peril in His hand but would be safer in mine!"
"We must quit bending the Word to suit our situation. It is we who must be bent to that Word, our necks that must bow under the yoke."
"Experience has taught me that the Shepherd is far more willing to show His sheep the path than the sheep are to follow. He is endlessly merciful, patient, tender, and loving. If we, His stupid and wayward sheep, really want to be led, we will without fail be led. Of that I am sure."
"What good are Greek, commentaries, insight, gift, and all the rest, if there is no heart for Christ?"
Father, make of me a crisis man. Bring those I contact to decision. Let me not be a milepost on a single road; make me a fork, that men must turn one way or another on facing Christ in me."
"God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with him."
"Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."
"One does not surrender a life in an instant. That which is lifelong can only be surrendered in a lifetime."
"Remember that the shadow a thing casts often far exceeds the size of the thing itself (especially if the light be low on the horizon) and though some future fear may strut brave darkness as you approach, the thing itself will be but a speck when seen from beyond. Oh that He would restore us often with that 'aspect from beyond,' to see a thing as He sees it, to remember that He dealeth with us as with sons."
"God, I pray Thee, light these idle sticks of my life that I may burn for Thee. Consume my life, my God, for it is Thine. I seek not a long life but a full one like You, Lord Jesus."
"We are spiritual pacifists, non-militants, conscientious objectors in this battle-to-the-death with principalities and powers in high places. Meekness must be had for contact with men, but brass, outspoken boldness is required to take part in the comradeship of the Cross. We are "sideliners" -- coaching and criticizing the real wrestlers while content to sit by and leave the enemies of God unchallenged. The world cannot hate us, we are too much like its own. Oh that God would make us dangerous!"
ELISABETH ELLIOTT:
"If we do anything to further the kingdom of God, we may expect to find what Christ found on that road - abuse, indifference, injustice, misunderstanding, trouble of some kind. Take it. Why not? To that you were called. In Latin America someone who feels sorry for himself is said to look like a donkey in a downpour. If we think of the glorious fact that we are on the same path with Jesus, we might see a rainbow."
"If my life is surrendered to God, all is well. Let me not grab it back, as though it were in peril in His hand but would be safer in mine!"
"We must quit bending the Word to suit our situation. It is we who must be bent to that Word, our necks that must bow under the yoke."
"Experience has taught me that the Shepherd is far more willing to show His sheep the path than the sheep are to follow. He is endlessly merciful, patient, tender, and loving. If we, His stupid and wayward sheep, really want to be led, we will without fail be led. Of that I am sure."
........
God, please.......oh my goodness. I need so much help. Im just longing inside. *SIGH*
One day I will know, and I will see. Right now I can only see a reflection of what will be.
Please give grace to my heart Lord. Please give me patience. Please HELP me to wait and wait with peace and steadfastness in my heart instead of anxiety. Because I really haven't learned to wait until I can wait peacefully.
Your love never fails, your truth is a rock. And I will stand on it all the days of my life. You know my only one heart's desire is You.
I don't like how my heart gets so excited so often and how much I live by my emotions. I'm trying so hard to walk by faith, not by sight, not by facts or feelings. I really am trying. I'm trying so hard to not go by my feelings. God, I know you are faithful. I know you have proved yourself to me time and time again. You never fail me. I NEED HELP. HELP ME, JESUS.
I will hang on to the truth that You are good. And that one day soon I will see and I will know. Please help me Daddy. I need You so much.
I can't do this without you. I can't do this day without you.
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him. I will be still. HELP ME. I can't be still unless you help me. It's not in me to wait and to be still and bear silence, unless You put it in me. You have to help me. HELP!
I don't know what it means to wait and to be patient but I am learning.
Am I feeling longing inside because my hope has moved from the Lord to this desire in my heart? UNLESS MY HOPE IS IN THE LORD I CAN'T MAKE IT.
God, where is my hope? Please let it be in You. I will run into Your arms with all that I am. I can't see, I don't know, I'm so uncertain but I TRUST YOU. My heart is anxious HELP ME.
This unknown will eventually become a known. And it might be a No. Am I ok with that? Is my Daddy good to me? I want more than anything to say yes. The answer I am holding out for could be a No. Am I going to be hurt by that? Am I going to feel like God has failed me or hurt me? I want more than anything to say no.
Lord, my Lord, not my will but Yours be done. I know there is nothing you can't do. I know you are able.
One day I will know, and I will see. Right now I can only see a reflection of what will be.
Please give grace to my heart Lord. Please give me patience. Please HELP me to wait and wait with peace and steadfastness in my heart instead of anxiety. Because I really haven't learned to wait until I can wait peacefully.
Your love never fails, your truth is a rock. And I will stand on it all the days of my life. You know my only one heart's desire is You.
I don't like how my heart gets so excited so often and how much I live by my emotions. I'm trying so hard to walk by faith, not by sight, not by facts or feelings. I really am trying. I'm trying so hard to not go by my feelings. God, I know you are faithful. I know you have proved yourself to me time and time again. You never fail me. I NEED HELP. HELP ME, JESUS.
I will hang on to the truth that You are good. And that one day soon I will see and I will know. Please help me Daddy. I need You so much.
I can't do this without you. I can't do this day without you.
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him. I will be still. HELP ME. I can't be still unless you help me. It's not in me to wait and to be still and bear silence, unless You put it in me. You have to help me. HELP!
I don't know what it means to wait and to be patient but I am learning.
Am I feeling longing inside because my hope has moved from the Lord to this desire in my heart? UNLESS MY HOPE IS IN THE LORD I CAN'T MAKE IT.
God, where is my hope? Please let it be in You. I will run into Your arms with all that I am. I can't see, I don't know, I'm so uncertain but I TRUST YOU. My heart is anxious HELP ME.
This unknown will eventually become a known. And it might be a No. Am I ok with that? Is my Daddy good to me? I want more than anything to say yes. The answer I am holding out for could be a No. Am I going to be hurt by that? Am I going to feel like God has failed me or hurt me? I want more than anything to say no.
Lord, my Lord, not my will but Yours be done. I know there is nothing you can't do. I know you are able.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Daydreaming.....
About the things I want later on:
1) I can't wait to have a home with NO TV in it!! (Or if there is a TV, there will be no cable, and it will not be on longer than 1 hour a day) Life is too short to spend so many hours in front of a screen watching someone else's story or getting information about things that don't matter so much. I'm too busy watching my own story unfold. (It's much more exciting)
2) I can't wait to get up in the morning and blast prophetic worship and songs of praise as I clean, cook, etc. Open up the windows and sing at the top of my lungs along with sounds of heaven
3) I can't wait to live simply, to go on walks in the beautiful outdoors, to see how much fun I can have without spending much money, to just enjoy what the Lord has freely given us
4) I can't wait to dance through my life holding Jesus' hand and see where we go together!
5) I can't wait to run where He says to go and find Him there. I can't wait to just always be ready to up and go, drop everything when He says go, I can't wait to live unsettled, live really lightly wherever I am, never get too comfortable or rooted in one place, but always leaving a little bit of my heart in every place I am, contending for every city, state or country I set foot on, and taking whole cities for the glory of God, because I'm just on a pilgrimage, because I'm a pioneer.
6) I can't wait to drive many miles praying and singing and worshiping the whole way to wherever I'm going
7) I can't wait to see so much of His heart in so many places in so many people and just EVERYWHERE
8) I can't wait to see what's up ahead! Such beautiful things!
1) I can't wait to have a home with NO TV in it!! (Or if there is a TV, there will be no cable, and it will not be on longer than 1 hour a day) Life is too short to spend so many hours in front of a screen watching someone else's story or getting information about things that don't matter so much. I'm too busy watching my own story unfold. (It's much more exciting)
2) I can't wait to get up in the morning and blast prophetic worship and songs of praise as I clean, cook, etc. Open up the windows and sing at the top of my lungs along with sounds of heaven
3) I can't wait to live simply, to go on walks in the beautiful outdoors, to see how much fun I can have without spending much money, to just enjoy what the Lord has freely given us
4) I can't wait to dance through my life holding Jesus' hand and see where we go together!
5) I can't wait to run where He says to go and find Him there. I can't wait to just always be ready to up and go, drop everything when He says go, I can't wait to live unsettled, live really lightly wherever I am, never get too comfortable or rooted in one place, but always leaving a little bit of my heart in every place I am, contending for every city, state or country I set foot on, and taking whole cities for the glory of God, because I'm just on a pilgrimage, because I'm a pioneer.
6) I can't wait to drive many miles praying and singing and worshiping the whole way to wherever I'm going
7) I can't wait to see so much of His heart in so many places in so many people and just EVERYWHERE
8) I can't wait to see what's up ahead! Such beautiful things!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Difficult Week Full of Happiness!
Does that sound like an oxymoron? Well, it is, but its true!! Sometimes I just look at my life so messy and scattered and absolutely crazy and all I want to do is collapse on the floor in exhaustion. *HUGE SIGH*
Yesterday was a little rough and lonely until I once again turned all my thoughts to the Lord, which I happened to do at the tail end of my day.....oh, dear me, if I could just learn that it would all be better sooner if I could turn to Him as soon as I get these lonely feelings, but its a process. =]
And after contemplating/battling inside, flipping through My Utmost for His Highest, taking a walk at noon, another one at 2:30, and another one at 3, to try and clear my head, wishing I was in kansas city surrounded by my wonderful 2nd family, waiting for a phone call from my new workplace about coming in for training, singing and playing a bit on the piano, looking for recipes to try, taking ANOTHER little stroll outside,.... it finally got dark outside, and I was left to go into my bedroom and just .....cry. I haven't cried in who knows how long, so why not now? ;]
My brothers had their girlfriends and a little group of friends over for a nice little fire. I just wanted a little privacy, and someone to understand me. Plus, I had been crying, so I figured it might be best to keep my smeared and sweaty face from being seen by my brothers friends. I felt in between all my friends. Either they are all older and more mature, or younger and not able to relate to me. And then there's me, caught in the middle. "Who the heck can I talk to right now!!" GAHH.....
I finally went and flopped down in the chair to talk to my dad and mom who were enjoying their friday evening. "I'm just so sick of not knowing anything!" After letting all the little concerns and worries that were spinning around and around in my head come out of my mouth to my parents, I began to see how ridiculous I was making things.
I realized that.... *I was having one of my moments.* They never last too long. I'd be fine by morning. I'm familiar with my moments. I get my moments, and then I'm fine. They don't happen too often, but when they do, they are absolutely daunting. =] HOWEVER, they come and then they go. They are not at home in me. I already know there's no turning back, this is the life I have chosen, and yes it's going to be scary and daunting and full of risks, and full of TRUSTING, but it's what I signed up for.
So I went back to my room, sat down at the piano and wrote a song, based out of one of my absolute favorite Psalms, Psalm 145. It was quite fun, and I rather like it.
Then I received a phone call from the PERFECT person to call at JUST the right time, my beloved and beautiful Amanda from IHOP. I needed to hear her voice! It was her night off, and she was alone in her house. Ohhhh YES, the perfect someone to sympathyize with me! I had forgotten her when I was thinking who on earth can I talk to, thank you Lord! <3
He's working in me an eternal weight of glory, and one day I will see. He is peeling back little bits even now! Praise the Lord who is always faithful, to the END!
Yesterday was a little rough and lonely until I once again turned all my thoughts to the Lord, which I happened to do at the tail end of my day.....oh, dear me, if I could just learn that it would all be better sooner if I could turn to Him as soon as I get these lonely feelings, but its a process. =]
And after contemplating/battling inside, flipping through My Utmost for His Highest, taking a walk at noon, another one at 2:30, and another one at 3, to try and clear my head, wishing I was in kansas city surrounded by my wonderful 2nd family, waiting for a phone call from my new workplace about coming in for training, singing and playing a bit on the piano, looking for recipes to try, taking ANOTHER little stroll outside,.... it finally got dark outside, and I was left to go into my bedroom and just .....cry. I haven't cried in who knows how long, so why not now? ;]
My brothers had their girlfriends and a little group of friends over for a nice little fire. I just wanted a little privacy, and someone to understand me. Plus, I had been crying, so I figured it might be best to keep my smeared and sweaty face from being seen by my brothers friends. I felt in between all my friends. Either they are all older and more mature, or younger and not able to relate to me. And then there's me, caught in the middle. "Who the heck can I talk to right now!!" GAHH.....
I finally went and flopped down in the chair to talk to my dad and mom who were enjoying their friday evening. "I'm just so sick of not knowing anything!" After letting all the little concerns and worries that were spinning around and around in my head come out of my mouth to my parents, I began to see how ridiculous I was making things.
I realized that.... *I was having one of my moments.* They never last too long. I'd be fine by morning. I'm familiar with my moments. I get my moments, and then I'm fine. They don't happen too often, but when they do, they are absolutely daunting. =] HOWEVER, they come and then they go. They are not at home in me. I already know there's no turning back, this is the life I have chosen, and yes it's going to be scary and daunting and full of risks, and full of TRUSTING, but it's what I signed up for.
So I went back to my room, sat down at the piano and wrote a song, based out of one of my absolute favorite Psalms, Psalm 145. It was quite fun, and I rather like it.
Then I received a phone call from the PERFECT person to call at JUST the right time, my beloved and beautiful Amanda from IHOP. I needed to hear her voice! It was her night off, and she was alone in her house. Ohhhh YES, the perfect someone to sympathyize with me! I had forgotten her when I was thinking who on earth can I talk to, thank you Lord! <3
He's working in me an eternal weight of glory, and one day I will see. He is peeling back little bits even now! Praise the Lord who is always faithful, to the END!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
*SIGH*
Wow.
This morning I drove down to Freedom for church because some of my IHOP people were there!! I got to hear Stuart Greaves and Shelly Hundley speak, and Justin Rizzo play. YES!! A precious taste of what I miss...my beloved ihop. *SIGH*
When I merged onto the freeway heading home, I don't know what came over me, but I just felt the most amazing joy bubbling up inside me and I started laughing SO hard. I know I looked like a complete dork to anyone and everyone driving next to me but really WHO EVEN CARES! HAHAHA!
Clay Edwards "Father's Lullaby" was playing.."No eye can understand, no mind can comprehend the things I have in store for you...and I'll wipe away your tears, I'll remove all your fears, I'll make all things new!!...." I was singing along with it and when it crescendos to the higher/louder part : "I'LL MAKE ALL THINGS- HAHAHAHAHA NEWWWW- HAHAHA- WWWWW............ " I didn't even get to the new part, I just started laughing!!
I could not for the life of me wipe the smile off my face --- the ENTIRE way home. Seriously. I tried to stop smiling but it didn't work. I really tried so hard but I could NOT even stop smiling! Before I left the church I was so excited for the drive home because I was gonna SING SING SIIING SING SING to my ipod the WHOLE way, well so much for that. I couldn't even sing because I was just smiling. You know how when you're singing you can't unless you have a straight face!! Wow...hahahaha :) :)
It was SUCH a beautiful day!! OHHHHH HOW I LOVE FLORIDA! Perfect sunshine and perfect blue skies! I must have been going almost 100 mph. I had to keep making sure I was at least pretty close to the speed limit. Then I'd forget, and look down and see I'm going 95--GAHH!
So I came home with the biggest smile on my face. Well then later on after I ate lunch and stuff, I started thinking a lot about all the longing in my heart, and felt myself starting to get a tiny bit anxious because here we are going into week 5 of still not knowing anything. I;ve been good so far, every day having to ask for GRACE to do this day, and for Him to lead me perfectly TODAY. The song "Mystery" by Charlie Hall has been part of what I have clung to since I got home from Missouri. "Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity, sweet Jesus Christ my clarity. Bread of heaven broken for me, cup of salvation held out to drink...."
But there have been my days when I absolutely wonder how on earth am I going to do this? And is He ever going to answer me? I started to feel my heart going that direction today. So I changed out of my dress into some gym shorts and hopped on a bike and off I went. I rode to the huge bicycle path on the edge of our neighborhood. And as I was riding I kept saying over and over in my heart "God you've got to come through for me. God you've got to be faithful. I know you are, but SHOW ME. You have to be faithful." And I thought to myself "Remember this day. Remember these days, remember what you're feeling right now. Remember the dialogue between you and the Lord. Remember the way your heart is feeling. Don't waste it and don't let go of it. Because tomorrow this day is going to feel like a dream." And I got SO much revelation:
I remembered back to September of last year, when I was on an airplane coming home from my second trip to IHOP. I had to go into work the very next morning. And as I was looking out the window of that plane I got this sinking feeling in my heart. I thought "I have to wait 6 more months? 6 MORE MONTHS, when my heart is in another place? How on earth am I going to do this? God, how am I going to do this? How am I going to walk into work every morning for 6 more months when my heart is thousands of miles away? I'm not sure if I can do this..." and I started crying. I looked over at my friend sitting next to me who was happily listening to her ipod and almost asleep. My throat hurt for the rest of the flight because I didn't want to cry right then.
I remember that day so well, and so many others like it. I remember God speaking to me SO clearly one day at work, as I was looking out the window of my classroom while the kids were busy at their centers. Once again I had just asked Him "How am I going to do this?" And I got a clear answer right then: "One day at a time."
After He told me that, I got this resolve in my heart. "OK. OK. One day at a time. I can do this. I really can. One day at a time." What that meant was don't look ahead, don't worry about tomorrow. Today is your assignment. Today, when you have to go to work, is all you need to worry about. Just take care of TODAY. Just love those kids with your whole heart."
And I was thinking about all of that as I rode along in the sunshine, and how crazy it is how that time is gone. Its totally gone and I'll never get it back. Now it's been over a year later, and I'm back home. I felt Him smiling at me. I kept riding along the path, and I looked up and saw the city's water tower ahead of me. I stopped riding and just stood there, looking at it and at the road next to me and the trees on the opposite side. "Wow. Here I am, Lord"
*HUGE SIGH*
All I know , is that Yahweh is Yahweh. He is Sovereign over all, over me and my tiny little life, and He is faithful to my heart always.
Just another day.....here I go again <3
This morning I drove down to Freedom for church because some of my IHOP people were there!! I got to hear Stuart Greaves and Shelly Hundley speak, and Justin Rizzo play. YES!! A precious taste of what I miss...my beloved ihop. *SIGH*
When I merged onto the freeway heading home, I don't know what came over me, but I just felt the most amazing joy bubbling up inside me and I started laughing SO hard. I know I looked like a complete dork to anyone and everyone driving next to me but really WHO EVEN CARES! HAHAHA!
Clay Edwards "Father's Lullaby" was playing.."No eye can understand, no mind can comprehend the things I have in store for you...and I'll wipe away your tears, I'll remove all your fears, I'll make all things new!!...." I was singing along with it and when it crescendos to the higher/louder part : "I'LL MAKE ALL THINGS- HAHAHAHAHA NEWWWW- HAHAHA- WWWWW............ " I didn't even get to the new part, I just started laughing!!
I could not for the life of me wipe the smile off my face --- the ENTIRE way home. Seriously. I tried to stop smiling but it didn't work. I really tried so hard but I could NOT even stop smiling! Before I left the church I was so excited for the drive home because I was gonna SING SING SIIING SING SING to my ipod the WHOLE way, well so much for that. I couldn't even sing because I was just smiling. You know how when you're singing you can't unless you have a straight face!! Wow...hahahaha :) :)
It was SUCH a beautiful day!! OHHHHH HOW I LOVE FLORIDA! Perfect sunshine and perfect blue skies! I must have been going almost 100 mph. I had to keep making sure I was at least pretty close to the speed limit. Then I'd forget, and look down and see I'm going 95--GAHH!
So I came home with the biggest smile on my face. Well then later on after I ate lunch and stuff, I started thinking a lot about all the longing in my heart, and felt myself starting to get a tiny bit anxious because here we are going into week 5 of still not knowing anything. I;ve been good so far, every day having to ask for GRACE to do this day, and for Him to lead me perfectly TODAY. The song "Mystery" by Charlie Hall has been part of what I have clung to since I got home from Missouri. "Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity, sweet Jesus Christ my clarity. Bread of heaven broken for me, cup of salvation held out to drink...."
But there have been my days when I absolutely wonder how on earth am I going to do this? And is He ever going to answer me? I started to feel my heart going that direction today. So I changed out of my dress into some gym shorts and hopped on a bike and off I went. I rode to the huge bicycle path on the edge of our neighborhood. And as I was riding I kept saying over and over in my heart "God you've got to come through for me. God you've got to be faithful. I know you are, but SHOW ME. You have to be faithful." And I thought to myself "Remember this day. Remember these days, remember what you're feeling right now. Remember the dialogue between you and the Lord. Remember the way your heart is feeling. Don't waste it and don't let go of it. Because tomorrow this day is going to feel like a dream." And I got SO much revelation:
I remembered back to September of last year, when I was on an airplane coming home from my second trip to IHOP. I had to go into work the very next morning. And as I was looking out the window of that plane I got this sinking feeling in my heart. I thought "I have to wait 6 more months? 6 MORE MONTHS, when my heart is in another place? How on earth am I going to do this? God, how am I going to do this? How am I going to walk into work every morning for 6 more months when my heart is thousands of miles away? I'm not sure if I can do this..." and I started crying. I looked over at my friend sitting next to me who was happily listening to her ipod and almost asleep. My throat hurt for the rest of the flight because I didn't want to cry right then.
I remember that day so well, and so many others like it. I remember God speaking to me SO clearly one day at work, as I was looking out the window of my classroom while the kids were busy at their centers. Once again I had just asked Him "How am I going to do this?" And I got a clear answer right then: "One day at a time."
After He told me that, I got this resolve in my heart. "OK. OK. One day at a time. I can do this. I really can. One day at a time." What that meant was don't look ahead, don't worry about tomorrow. Today is your assignment. Today, when you have to go to work, is all you need to worry about. Just take care of TODAY. Just love those kids with your whole heart."
And I was thinking about all of that as I rode along in the sunshine, and how crazy it is how that time is gone. Its totally gone and I'll never get it back. Now it's been over a year later, and I'm back home. I felt Him smiling at me. I kept riding along the path, and I looked up and saw the city's water tower ahead of me. I stopped riding and just stood there, looking at it and at the road next to me and the trees on the opposite side. "Wow. Here I am, Lord"
*HUGE SIGH*
All I know , is that Yahweh is Yahweh. He is Sovereign over all, over me and my tiny little life, and He is faithful to my heart always.
Just another day.....here I go again <3
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
All of me for all of Him
I always think about where I could be.
If only I could write better songs. Amazing, creative songs with lyrics that peirce the heart and make you come alive. If only I played the piano better, if the melodies and harmonies I could play would be so beautiful and creative and awaken souls. If only I had a better voice, if I could sing His heart with such a beautiful, broad range,if my voice could make people cry. If only I was an amazing cook, if I could make delicious things and offer them to anyone and everyone, and bless so many people with my cooking. If only I looked better. If I was more attractive, so graceful and beautiful, and not so "cute and childlike". If I was just beautiful. If only I could dance better, if my movements conveyed so much of God's heart in such a graceful and beautiful and powerful way. If only I was so talented in this area. If only.....
But I'm not. I've been given what I've been given. What He saw fit to give me, He has given. No more, no less. He knows the perfect way.
So why do I think about what could be?
I've already captured His heart.
He's already in love with me.
If I'm truly doing everything for Him, and if I truly am in love with Him, I'm going to take every single square inch of love inside me and every piece of heart that I have, and take it for all its worth, and let it explode in sweet offering to the one I love. I'm going to let it pour out of me like a flood all over His feet. I'm going to dance with all that's in me, I'm going to sing and play with everything I am, I'm going to love Him with all my heart whatever my hand finds to do , it will be done with ALL of my heart in it. Because I'm in love with Him.
Everything that I have been given is for me to give back to my Savior.
If I've been given a voice, then let me sing.
If I have two legs and two feet, then let me dance. And run, and leap, and spin.
If I have two arms and two hands, then let me write, paint, play, hold, love.
If I have a mouth, then let me speak.
If I have an eye then let me see, gaze, ponder, and imagine.
If I've been given strength, then let me run.
If I've been given a heart, a will, emotions and desires, and if He's given me the gift of love for Him, then let me dream.
And if I have dreams, then they are from Him, and He's gonna make them happen.
Just let me be fully alive.
If only I could write better songs. Amazing, creative songs with lyrics that peirce the heart and make you come alive. If only I played the piano better, if the melodies and harmonies I could play would be so beautiful and creative and awaken souls. If only I had a better voice, if I could sing His heart with such a beautiful, broad range,if my voice could make people cry. If only I was an amazing cook, if I could make delicious things and offer them to anyone and everyone, and bless so many people with my cooking. If only I looked better. If I was more attractive, so graceful and beautiful, and not so "cute and childlike". If I was just beautiful. If only I could dance better, if my movements conveyed so much of God's heart in such a graceful and beautiful and powerful way. If only I was so talented in this area. If only.....
But I'm not. I've been given what I've been given. What He saw fit to give me, He has given. No more, no less. He knows the perfect way.
So why do I think about what could be?
I've already captured His heart.
He's already in love with me.
If I'm truly doing everything for Him, and if I truly am in love with Him, I'm going to take every single square inch of love inside me and every piece of heart that I have, and take it for all its worth, and let it explode in sweet offering to the one I love. I'm going to let it pour out of me like a flood all over His feet. I'm going to dance with all that's in me, I'm going to sing and play with everything I am, I'm going to love Him with all my heart whatever my hand finds to do , it will be done with ALL of my heart in it. Because I'm in love with Him.
Everything that I have been given is for me to give back to my Savior.
If I've been given a voice, then let me sing.
If I have two legs and two feet, then let me dance. And run, and leap, and spin.
If I have two arms and two hands, then let me write, paint, play, hold, love.
If I have a mouth, then let me speak.
If I have an eye then let me see, gaze, ponder, and imagine.
If I've been given strength, then let me run.
If I've been given a heart, a will, emotions and desires, and if He's given me the gift of love for Him, then let me dream.
And if I have dreams, then they are from Him, and He's gonna make them happen.
Just let me be fully alive.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Oh Sweet Uncertainty...
....How you draw me near to Him...
Here is just some random stuff that is currently reverberating in my mind over and over again...somehow I have to let it out:
God why am I here in Florida? What do you have for me to do here? What are YOU doing here? I want to get involved in what Youre doing. I want to be part of what you're doing EVERYWHERE in the world, but until You call me elsewhere, here I am in Titusville. So what's going on here? I don't wanna miss it!
I want to praypraypraypraypray, and dance, and sing, and disciple, and have prayer meetings, and sell all my stuff, and go. Everywhere. I want to find your heart in every place, in the most unexpected places. In every person I meet. I just wanna go! EVERYWHERE! This trip and that trip and this trip and then another trip! Packing up all my stuff, then unpacking again. Always ready to go wherever You call me...I want to go on a huge lifetime adventure. Never settling down. Me and you Jesus. And then me, you and my husband. Always trusting you to provide, depending on you for everything. Never looking back. Always taking risks, stepping out, holding our breath, and then laughing because we knew You'd be faithful. And having SO MUCH FUN for the rest of our lives! Here I am at home in titusville, living with my family, back in my bedroom, and I just want to GO! I want to move somewhere. Then I want to go somewhere else. Then somewhere else. FOREVER!!!!!
Where do all these desires tie together> I'm 20 years old, so, SO young, and my heart is so alive with hope and anticipation. How on earth will all these desires tie together? How will God do that? I can't see how any of it is gonna come together at all. Are these dreams conflicting with one another? Even just a little? I can't help wondering.
Or......has He placed each individual one in my heart with a glimmer in His eye and plans to fulfill them all? Somehow, something tells me that they are all supposed to be there. Every last one. That they're all gifts. That they are all a precious part of my DNA....they are from the Lord. That makes me so happy! My heart is so alive with expectancy. What will the Lord choose to do first??!?!?!!?!?
Here is just some random stuff that is currently reverberating in my mind over and over again...somehow I have to let it out:
God why am I here in Florida? What do you have for me to do here? What are YOU doing here? I want to get involved in what Youre doing. I want to be part of what you're doing EVERYWHERE in the world, but until You call me elsewhere, here I am in Titusville. So what's going on here? I don't wanna miss it!
I want to praypraypraypraypray, and dance, and sing, and disciple, and have prayer meetings, and sell all my stuff, and go. Everywhere. I want to find your heart in every place, in the most unexpected places. In every person I meet. I just wanna go! EVERYWHERE! This trip and that trip and this trip and then another trip! Packing up all my stuff, then unpacking again. Always ready to go wherever You call me...I want to go on a huge lifetime adventure. Never settling down. Me and you Jesus. And then me, you and my husband. Always trusting you to provide, depending on you for everything. Never looking back. Always taking risks, stepping out, holding our breath, and then laughing because we knew You'd be faithful. And having SO MUCH FUN for the rest of our lives! Here I am at home in titusville, living with my family, back in my bedroom, and I just want to GO! I want to move somewhere. Then I want to go somewhere else. Then somewhere else. FOREVER!!!!!
Where do all these desires tie together> I'm 20 years old, so, SO young, and my heart is so alive with hope and anticipation. How on earth will all these desires tie together? How will God do that? I can't see how any of it is gonna come together at all. Are these dreams conflicting with one another? Even just a little? I can't help wondering.
Or......has He placed each individual one in my heart with a glimmer in His eye and plans to fulfill them all? Somehow, something tells me that they are all supposed to be there. Every last one. That they're all gifts. That they are all a precious part of my DNA....they are from the Lord. That makes me so happy! My heart is so alive with expectancy. What will the Lord choose to do first??!?!?!!?!?
Thursday, October 7, 2010
TRUST-
What does trust look like? It looks like this:
1 Having no money, no car, nothing mapped out before me, yet having a smile on my face, and a steadfastness, joy and peace in my heart, knowing that I'm taken care of.
2 Going to job interview after job interview, filling out application after application, with nothing ever working out, and keeping hope alive inside through it all. Never doubting, never giving way to discouragement.
3 Finding a man whose heart is all I've been looking/praying for, who looks like Jesus, who has the character of the man I want to marry, and who matches everything I've written in my journals about my future husband, but not knowing if anything will ever happen. Having to leave with huge uncertainty in my heart. Having to let go and not know, and accept the reality of never knowing. And being ok with all this. Carrying great joy and peace in my heart, because I know His faithfulness.
4 Saying goodbyes to family who is knit to my heart, when it seems like we've barely even said hello, yet not having even an ounce of worry about where they will be down the road, or where I will be.
5 Curling up in a corner with my Bible when I've been thrust into this blurry fog that is so heavy I can't even see to take another step in front of me. Bringing my bare heart before the Lord and asking Him to take the next step first, and then I can do it.
TRUST LOOKS LIKE:
-Walking forward with a blindfold on, holding my Daddy's hand
-Landing on my bed or on my knees in tears sometimes, knowing that tomorrow the sun will shine and bring me word of His unfailing love and it will all be ok!
-Reading my life story without knowing what's even in the next paragraph, let alone what's on the next page, or in the next chapter, or how many more chapters there are, etc. etc. etc. .....with no ounce of fear or doubt in my heart.
- Falling backwards, knowing without a doubt...Daddy always catches me.
1 Having no money, no car, nothing mapped out before me, yet having a smile on my face, and a steadfastness, joy and peace in my heart, knowing that I'm taken care of.
2 Going to job interview after job interview, filling out application after application, with nothing ever working out, and keeping hope alive inside through it all. Never doubting, never giving way to discouragement.
3 Finding a man whose heart is all I've been looking/praying for, who looks like Jesus, who has the character of the man I want to marry, and who matches everything I've written in my journals about my future husband, but not knowing if anything will ever happen. Having to leave with huge uncertainty in my heart. Having to let go and not know, and accept the reality of never knowing. And being ok with all this. Carrying great joy and peace in my heart, because I know His faithfulness.
4 Saying goodbyes to family who is knit to my heart, when it seems like we've barely even said hello, yet not having even an ounce of worry about where they will be down the road, or where I will be.
5 Curling up in a corner with my Bible when I've been thrust into this blurry fog that is so heavy I can't even see to take another step in front of me. Bringing my bare heart before the Lord and asking Him to take the next step first, and then I can do it.
TRUST LOOKS LIKE:
-Walking forward with a blindfold on, holding my Daddy's hand
-Landing on my bed or on my knees in tears sometimes, knowing that tomorrow the sun will shine and bring me word of His unfailing love and it will all be ok!
-Reading my life story without knowing what's even in the next paragraph, let alone what's on the next page, or in the next chapter, or how many more chapters there are, etc. etc. etc. .....with no ounce of fear or doubt in my heart.
- Falling backwards, knowing without a doubt...Daddy always catches me.
Someday really soon :)
"Wherever there's a princess......there's bound to be a knight in shining armor on the way!"
My prince is coming, but I will not sulk in a castle until he gets here! I will not be idle.....I will use this time to prepare, I will learn to be the best cook in the world, I will learn how to love those around me, I will start healthy habits in all areas of life, and when he finds me, I will be even better than I am now
My prince is coming, but I will not sulk in a castle until he gets here! I will not be idle.....I will use this time to prepare, I will learn to be the best cook in the world, I will learn how to love those around me, I will start healthy habits in all areas of life, and when he finds me, I will be even better than I am now
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
My last day in Missouri
I have been home from IHOP for a few weeks now. The last day of the internship I was absolutely a mess of tears, tissues, crazy laughing and dancing and emotional wreckage on the inside. I spent the majority of the day/night crying. I cried when everyone prayed over eachother, over me, cried when we were all standing outside together, cried at the last meeting in that little side room with my roommates and leaders, cried walking up the aisle in the prayer room. I went right up the very front row, I don't even remember what song they were doing, but I sat down, held out my hands to the Lord and just started crying. I couldn't stop crying through the whole set. And the 2 sets after that. For the whole six hours, I cried, went to the back and took communion, cried, hugged every person that walked by, cried, stood at the map and cried, stood in the dance section and cried (I couldn't even dance) walked to the bathroom and cried, and on and on......My heart was just overwhelmed. I wasn't even sad, I just had to cry. Because I knew that all the Lord had done in me, I knew all He had promised me, I knew the work He had done on my heart, I knew all the things that had happened in the last 6 months. It was all too much for me. I will never forget that night, September 23rd, 2010. JESUS IS MY BELOVED.
So after breakfast at IHOP pancakes, we all said our goodbyes and then drove back home together for the last time. After my crazy emtotional roller coaster of a day/night, I decided there was no way I could go to sleep now. Plus, the sunshine and breeze were just too much for me to resist. So I finished packing up in my room, then grabbed a sweater and went for a walk. I walked to Shiloh, the park I usually went to when I went for my runs in the mornings. The sky was SO blue, cloudless, and the sun was so warm and the breeze was perfect. THE WEATHER WAS SOOOO PERFECT! I couldn't have asked for a better day! (I'm sure part of my joy in the sunshine was due to the fact that for half a year I had not been up this time of day to see the sun at this time. It was the brightest and most beautiful thing I had seen in half a year!) :) HAHA. That's what the nightwatch will do to you..HA! :)
So I walked up and down those crazy Missouri hills, down the winding dirt road into Shiloh, and down by the lake. I stopped at a bench that I usually go past on my runs, at the foot of the lake. And all I could do was sit there overwhelmed. Words cannot describe the way my heart was feeling that day! I felt the absolute most satisfied, peaceful JOY I have ever felt in my life! And I sat there on that bench and just started pouring out my heart to the Lord, looking up at all the trees, and all that was in my heart was gratitude, thankfulness. He had been so, SO very good to me.
I sat there crying the joy that welled up within me, if that even makes sense. I was so overwhelmed with joy that I had to do something, so I cried! I got up off the bench and kept walking, with the intent to go on my usual path, but even farther this time. I went up the hill past the field of sunflowers. Just me, all alone, me and Jesus. I went around the corner, down through the green area, and to one of my favorite parts of the walk, the little rocky creek that cuts right across the trail. I kicked off my flip flops and danced around in the little creek. SO MUCH FUN! I felt the joy and delight of the Lord. I have never felt more satisfied. For once I didn't need anything, or anyone else. I had my Beloved and that was enough. He is more than enough for me. He has filled every desire of my heart, and I truly lack NOTHING. "No good thing has He withheld...."
After my little creek dance, I kept on, around another lake. Then hiked up the woodsy area into the really narrow path in the forest! SO beautiful. I saw like 3 or 4 deer, really close! SOOOO BEAUTIFUL! I went farther on the path than I ever have, it goes so far back into the woods. All the while enjoying the sweet presence of the Lord, feeling so satisfied and just wonderful and beautiful and everything you could ever want. On the walk back, I stopped at the other lake, and there is a little gazebo at the foot of the lake. So I thought "Why not?!" I ran through the tall, tall grass to the gazebo, kicked off my shoes and jumped up onto it. I sat on the little ledge, all by myself, in the sunshine, literally felt the light of God's face shining on me. I didn't need anything else. NOTHING. Jumped down and ran back onto the path. Then I couldn't resist. I had to dance! I danced down the rest of the path until I reached the little creek again. I don't know if anyone saw me, but I don't even care. I danced with Daddy, out in the beautiful creation He made for me. Truly I took a walk with God in this precious hour on Friday September 24th. I would not trade that day for ANYTHING!
I was SO HAPPY! Not just joyful, but joyful AND......HAPPY. FOR REAL. I couldn't have asked for anything more. I didn't even wish that my man was with me. I didn't need him. I only needed my Beloved. HE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ME.
It was a place where I didn't know what was next, where to go or what to do when I got there. I have never been more uncertain about the future than I have these days. But you know what? It is one of the most beautiful seasons I have known. Because I am leaning with all that I am, on my Beloved. All I need to know is I love Him, and He loves me. I don't need to know where I'm going. I don't need to know what job I need to get. Or whether or not to go to school, or somewhere else, or to move here or there. I don't need to know any of that! I would like to know some, and I'm used to having a little something to hold onto so I don't freak out, but I don't need to know any of that. All I need to know is that He is leading me perfectly. He doesn't fail me. All I need to know is MY DADDY LOVES ME. He has proved Himself to me time and time again. I am entirely utterly clueless but I LOVE IT! I KNOW MY DADDY, AND I KNOW HIS FAITHFULNESS.
He is good, SO, SO, SO good to me!
More to come......
So after breakfast at IHOP pancakes, we all said our goodbyes and then drove back home together for the last time. After my crazy emtotional roller coaster of a day/night, I decided there was no way I could go to sleep now. Plus, the sunshine and breeze were just too much for me to resist. So I finished packing up in my room, then grabbed a sweater and went for a walk. I walked to Shiloh, the park I usually went to when I went for my runs in the mornings. The sky was SO blue, cloudless, and the sun was so warm and the breeze was perfect. THE WEATHER WAS SOOOO PERFECT! I couldn't have asked for a better day! (I'm sure part of my joy in the sunshine was due to the fact that for half a year I had not been up this time of day to see the sun at this time. It was the brightest and most beautiful thing I had seen in half a year!) :) HAHA. That's what the nightwatch will do to you..HA! :)
So I walked up and down those crazy Missouri hills, down the winding dirt road into Shiloh, and down by the lake. I stopped at a bench that I usually go past on my runs, at the foot of the lake. And all I could do was sit there overwhelmed. Words cannot describe the way my heart was feeling that day! I felt the absolute most satisfied, peaceful JOY I have ever felt in my life! And I sat there on that bench and just started pouring out my heart to the Lord, looking up at all the trees, and all that was in my heart was gratitude, thankfulness. He had been so, SO very good to me.
I sat there crying the joy that welled up within me, if that even makes sense. I was so overwhelmed with joy that I had to do something, so I cried! I got up off the bench and kept walking, with the intent to go on my usual path, but even farther this time. I went up the hill past the field of sunflowers. Just me, all alone, me and Jesus. I went around the corner, down through the green area, and to one of my favorite parts of the walk, the little rocky creek that cuts right across the trail. I kicked off my flip flops and danced around in the little creek. SO MUCH FUN! I felt the joy and delight of the Lord. I have never felt more satisfied. For once I didn't need anything, or anyone else. I had my Beloved and that was enough. He is more than enough for me. He has filled every desire of my heart, and I truly lack NOTHING. "No good thing has He withheld...."
After my little creek dance, I kept on, around another lake. Then hiked up the woodsy area into the really narrow path in the forest! SO beautiful. I saw like 3 or 4 deer, really close! SOOOO BEAUTIFUL! I went farther on the path than I ever have, it goes so far back into the woods. All the while enjoying the sweet presence of the Lord, feeling so satisfied and just wonderful and beautiful and everything you could ever want. On the walk back, I stopped at the other lake, and there is a little gazebo at the foot of the lake. So I thought "Why not?!" I ran through the tall, tall grass to the gazebo, kicked off my shoes and jumped up onto it. I sat on the little ledge, all by myself, in the sunshine, literally felt the light of God's face shining on me. I didn't need anything else. NOTHING. Jumped down and ran back onto the path. Then I couldn't resist. I had to dance! I danced down the rest of the path until I reached the little creek again. I don't know if anyone saw me, but I don't even care. I danced with Daddy, out in the beautiful creation He made for me. Truly I took a walk with God in this precious hour on Friday September 24th. I would not trade that day for ANYTHING!
I was SO HAPPY! Not just joyful, but joyful AND......HAPPY. FOR REAL. I couldn't have asked for anything more. I didn't even wish that my man was with me. I didn't need him. I only needed my Beloved. HE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ME.
It was a place where I didn't know what was next, where to go or what to do when I got there. I have never been more uncertain about the future than I have these days. But you know what? It is one of the most beautiful seasons I have known. Because I am leaning with all that I am, on my Beloved. All I need to know is I love Him, and He loves me. I don't need to know where I'm going. I don't need to know what job I need to get. Or whether or not to go to school, or somewhere else, or to move here or there. I don't need to know any of that! I would like to know some, and I'm used to having a little something to hold onto so I don't freak out, but I don't need to know any of that. All I need to know is that He is leading me perfectly. He doesn't fail me. All I need to know is MY DADDY LOVES ME. He has proved Himself to me time and time again. I am entirely utterly clueless but I LOVE IT! I KNOW MY DADDY, AND I KNOW HIS FAITHFULNESS.
He is good, SO, SO, SO good to me!
More to come......
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Changes
My heart is shifting so much, I can feel it. Here I am in Missouri at IHOP, doing Fire in the Night, halfway through it. I finally got here, where my heart longed to be for so long. But now its already half over and I don't want to leave. I don't know what to do. I longed to come here, but it wasn't time yet. So finally the door opens for March 2010 and I come. And before I came I thought, oh I'm only doing 3 months, and then I'm coming back home and maybe I'll do the rest later. And I was like, oh yeah I'll make good friends and stuff, but I never thought they would be my absolute best friends forever and I'd have to say goodbye to them so soon. I never thought it would be like such a family and we'd all become so close to eachother. I never want to leave this community. I wasn't even for sure doing track2 .....until like the 3rd week when I knew I wanted to be here as long as possible. And for the rest of it I knew I was staying. I just can't imagine leaving and I'm not sure that I will feel any different when its time to go home. I might even have a harder time than I'm thinking. And I don't know what to do at home. Just work? Unto what, then? I know that I want to be here in Missouri. I don't know why I changed my mind. This place is where my heart is now. And I wasn't expecting that. I had a plan. I was coming here to get launched. I wanted to do this internship and then go. I don't know where, but I wanted to go everywhere God would lead me. I want to travel and go all these places. I don't even know why. Like what am I going to do in all these places?
I feel like I'm even less sure of myself and my future than I was when I came here. And that's so weird because I was expecting the exact opposite. I was expecting this internship to confirm for me what I'm doing. I wanted to get a vision for my life because I had no idea how God would tie all my desires and giftings together into one calling. And I thought if I came here, He would show me. But now I am totally and utterly clueless. And I'm starting to think that's the way He wanted it. He planned this out. God totally knew what He was doing. He wants me completely dependant on Him alone and nothing of my own strength. He wants me to lean on Him and not my own understanding. SO therefore He chooses to strip me of everything I know, or at least I thought I knew, to make me helpless, needy, empty, and lacking. So that I would lean into Him. And now He shows me what He is going to do. ONE STEP AT A TIME. All I know is the next 3 months. That's as far as i can see right now. I can't see past September 2010 right now. And that's ok, that's how God wants it. I have no clue about anything anymore. I've realized how much I don't know.
There are so many uncertainties about my life and even the near future. I know its all going to work out for my good and HIs glory but sometimes its so hard to trust! I KNOW HE IS BUILDING MY FAITH. Faith is hope in what is UNSEEN.
And He just taught me a lesson yesterday. Through watching another person's situation. One of my best friends who really wanted something and was hoping for it the whole time, and finally she didn't get it. It wasn't what she was expecting. Through that God was telling me not to use this time to hope for something. But to use this time for Him and Him only, or else I will leave disappointed when that something doesn't happen. Because really, it's not going to happen. At least right now. 6 months is not enough time for any of that. It's just not the right time or place for this. And this internship is solely for the purpose of God, not me or my life. So I'm releasing it into His hands. I know that HIS LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE, AND IT SATISFIES.
I came here to be completely consumed in the Father and in a love relationship with Him. I came here to be satisfied in Him, fully alive and to turn my back on other lovers. I came here to be sustained and to have the 1st commandment restored to first place in my life and heart. I have seen God do all these things to me since I've been here. He is so faithful. I have grown and changed so much, and my heart is different. It has been re-aligned. I feel that this is right. THIS IS RIGHT. I am RIGHT, I'm in the right place. That is such a good feeling. Nothing is off about any of this. It's the right thing.
It's gonna be hard to leave when I don't know if anything will ever happen along these lines, but I know that He has got this. This is all Him. It's all on Him. God is the one to move me and other people at just the right place and time and do everything He has promised. We are all pawns on a chessboard in the palm of His hand, and He shuffles us about and orders our steps in any way He chooses, always in love. So I'm not worried. I know His ways are perfect. And all His plans are good and delightful to the heart. He is SO FAITHFUL. He will never disappoint me. I am going to leave Missouri with such a hope in my heart and so much thankfulness and gratitude in me toward all that He has done and where He has taken me. He is so good. I love His ways.
NO ONE WHO WAITS UPON THE LORD WILL EVER BE ASHAMED. I'm not going to be disappointed. Because I'm lifting my vision higher, to the right thing. I'll never be disappointed when I'm looking to Him. He is the giver of all good things. He is not stingy. NO GOOD THING DOES HE WITHHOLD FROM THOSE WHO FEAR HIM, THOSE WHO SEEK THE LORD LACK NO GOOD THING!!!!!! He is so faithful. He has the best most amazing and prosperous dreams. HE LOVES ME, HE KNOWS ME BEST AND HE IS GENEROUS AND CHEERFUL GIVER! HE LOVES TO GIVE GOOD GIFTS AND ABUNDANT LIFE! He is always good, never once has He not been faithful. Time and time again He has shown Himself true. It's all working together for my good. I'M SO EXCITED! I LOVE HIM!!! :) :) :)
I feel like I'm even less sure of myself and my future than I was when I came here. And that's so weird because I was expecting the exact opposite. I was expecting this internship to confirm for me what I'm doing. I wanted to get a vision for my life because I had no idea how God would tie all my desires and giftings together into one calling. And I thought if I came here, He would show me. But now I am totally and utterly clueless. And I'm starting to think that's the way He wanted it. He planned this out. God totally knew what He was doing. He wants me completely dependant on Him alone and nothing of my own strength. He wants me to lean on Him and not my own understanding. SO therefore He chooses to strip me of everything I know, or at least I thought I knew, to make me helpless, needy, empty, and lacking. So that I would lean into Him. And now He shows me what He is going to do. ONE STEP AT A TIME. All I know is the next 3 months. That's as far as i can see right now. I can't see past September 2010 right now. And that's ok, that's how God wants it. I have no clue about anything anymore. I've realized how much I don't know.
There are so many uncertainties about my life and even the near future. I know its all going to work out for my good and HIs glory but sometimes its so hard to trust! I KNOW HE IS BUILDING MY FAITH. Faith is hope in what is UNSEEN.
And He just taught me a lesson yesterday. Through watching another person's situation. One of my best friends who really wanted something and was hoping for it the whole time, and finally she didn't get it. It wasn't what she was expecting. Through that God was telling me not to use this time to hope for something. But to use this time for Him and Him only, or else I will leave disappointed when that something doesn't happen. Because really, it's not going to happen. At least right now. 6 months is not enough time for any of that. It's just not the right time or place for this. And this internship is solely for the purpose of God, not me or my life. So I'm releasing it into His hands. I know that HIS LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE, AND IT SATISFIES.
I came here to be completely consumed in the Father and in a love relationship with Him. I came here to be satisfied in Him, fully alive and to turn my back on other lovers. I came here to be sustained and to have the 1st commandment restored to first place in my life and heart. I have seen God do all these things to me since I've been here. He is so faithful. I have grown and changed so much, and my heart is different. It has been re-aligned. I feel that this is right. THIS IS RIGHT. I am RIGHT, I'm in the right place. That is such a good feeling. Nothing is off about any of this. It's the right thing.
It's gonna be hard to leave when I don't know if anything will ever happen along these lines, but I know that He has got this. This is all Him. It's all on Him. God is the one to move me and other people at just the right place and time and do everything He has promised. We are all pawns on a chessboard in the palm of His hand, and He shuffles us about and orders our steps in any way He chooses, always in love. So I'm not worried. I know His ways are perfect. And all His plans are good and delightful to the heart. He is SO FAITHFUL. He will never disappoint me. I am going to leave Missouri with such a hope in my heart and so much thankfulness and gratitude in me toward all that He has done and where He has taken me. He is so good. I love His ways.
NO ONE WHO WAITS UPON THE LORD WILL EVER BE ASHAMED. I'm not going to be disappointed. Because I'm lifting my vision higher, to the right thing. I'll never be disappointed when I'm looking to Him. He is the giver of all good things. He is not stingy. NO GOOD THING DOES HE WITHHOLD FROM THOSE WHO FEAR HIM, THOSE WHO SEEK THE LORD LACK NO GOOD THING!!!!!! He is so faithful. He has the best most amazing and prosperous dreams. HE LOVES ME, HE KNOWS ME BEST AND HE IS GENEROUS AND CHEERFUL GIVER! HE LOVES TO GIVE GOOD GIFTS AND ABUNDANT LIFE! He is always good, never once has He not been faithful. Time and time again He has shown Himself true. It's all working together for my good. I'M SO EXCITED! I LOVE HIM!!! :) :) :)
Sunday, February 14, 2010
I stole His heart, and He stole mine
I just thought it would be appropriate for Valentines Day..to tell my story
I didn't know when I turned 16 I would fall in love...
He captured my heart so long ago and is the reason I am here on this journey
He called me beautiful, prized, beloved and asked me to dance
And when I said yes we danced until the sun went down and beyond
I didn't know when I was 16 that was the year I would fall in love
I didn't know that I would see His face and be ruined forever
I didn't know my heart would be stolen and forever locked in his
I threw the key away.
He is the best one. He is the very best one.
He is my first love and my last love.
My heart will always be sold to Him.
No one else can have my heart.
He has me forever, I've been captivated...
"Your laughter it echoes like a joyous thunder
Your whisper it warms me like a summer breeze
Your anger is fiercer than the sun in its splendour
You’re close and yet full of mystery
Ever since the day that I saw Your face
Try as I may, I cannot look away, I cannot look away…
Captivated by You
I am captivated by You
May my life be one unbroken gaze
Fixed upon the beauty of Your face
Beholding is becoming, so as You fill my gaze
I become more like You and my heart is changed
Beholding is becoming, so as You fill my view
Transform me into the likeness of You
This is what I ask, for all my days
That I may, never look away, never look away…
No other could ever be as beautiful
No other could ever steal my heart away
I just can’t look away… "
--Captivated by Vicky Beeching
I didn't know when I turned 16 I would fall in love...
He captured my heart so long ago and is the reason I am here on this journey
He called me beautiful, prized, beloved and asked me to dance
And when I said yes we danced until the sun went down and beyond
I didn't know when I was 16 that was the year I would fall in love
I didn't know that I would see His face and be ruined forever
I didn't know my heart would be stolen and forever locked in his
I threw the key away.
He is the best one. He is the very best one.
He is my first love and my last love.
My heart will always be sold to Him.
No one else can have my heart.
He has me forever, I've been captivated...
"Your laughter it echoes like a joyous thunder
Your whisper it warms me like a summer breeze
Your anger is fiercer than the sun in its splendour
You’re close and yet full of mystery
Ever since the day that I saw Your face
Try as I may, I cannot look away, I cannot look away…
Captivated by You
I am captivated by You
May my life be one unbroken gaze
Fixed upon the beauty of Your face
Beholding is becoming, so as You fill my gaze
I become more like You and my heart is changed
Beholding is becoming, so as You fill my view
Transform me into the likeness of You
This is what I ask, for all my days
That I may, never look away, never look away…
No other could ever be as beautiful
No other could ever steal my heart away
I just can’t look away… "
--Captivated by Vicky Beeching
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Soaking up the last little bit
of my winter vacation. Tomorrow's the last day. And then....back into everything full force. I'm in the home stretch here! Before I leave! I've been waiting sooo long for this and I couldnt be more excited. Two months left!
I've been kind of confused lately. About my life and things. But I know that He's got it all taken care of already. I just want His face. I just want to know Him. I want to see His glory. And I want it to be the central, driving force of everything I do and everything I am. Its so easy to slack. Like SO EASY. I always fall back into my "its all good" sliding along without a care in the world attitude. I can't deny that He has blessed me SO MUCH lately. OVERWHELMINGLY. I mean He has been SO AMAZINGLY GOOD to me in these past few months, all year actually. It's so tempting to wanna sit back and soak everything in and just enjoy everything, and that's okay there's nothing wrong with that, but I know I need to be intentional about my relationship with Him and take initiative sometimes.
GRRR .....I feel far from where I've been, but I feel strangely satisfied. Somehow I think it's alright. It's ok that I'm in a different place. He guides me through the seasons, some are better than others (to me) but ALL of them are ordained by Him and all of them are pointing to the same thing: intimacy with Him.
AHHHHHH my mind is so jumbled right now. This is so strangely choppy and raw, I dont know if I can even read it. It might just confuse me.
I need the light of His face to shine on me. IM NOTHING WITHOUT HIM. And I don't ever want to be nothing. So I cant ever be without Him.
He knows everything. He knows the best thing for me. And its' all for His glory. Its all so that His glory will be released in the earth. Every time I try to plan out my life or think about the future and try to scrounge up some sort of map or something, or make something work out that I think is the right thing, IT NEVER WORKS. It just doesn't work my way. He always has something different. And I always end up liking it better. I really do. Never ever thought I would say that, but I always end up liking His will better than my own, even if sometimes it is the LAST THING I wanted Him to do. Or the thing I was most afraid of, or trying to get Him NOT to do. "NO GOD! ANYTHING BUT THIS! I CAN TAKE ANYTHING BUT THIS! JUST DON'T MESS WITH THIS AND I'LL BE FINE!" .......But its' always Him who knows what I can really take. I thought I couldn't take it, wouldn't be able to stand it, and it happened. And I did take it. And I'm alright. WOW, MIRACULOUSLY, I AM ALRIGHT.
HE ALWAYS KNOWS BEST! I just can't get over that. He always does His will and it turns out way more than I ever expected. He always ruins my plans, and hurts me, all so that He can make everything better than I ever thought. I just love the way He works.....
I've been kind of confused lately. About my life and things. But I know that He's got it all taken care of already. I just want His face. I just want to know Him. I want to see His glory. And I want it to be the central, driving force of everything I do and everything I am. Its so easy to slack. Like SO EASY. I always fall back into my "its all good" sliding along without a care in the world attitude. I can't deny that He has blessed me SO MUCH lately. OVERWHELMINGLY. I mean He has been SO AMAZINGLY GOOD to me in these past few months, all year actually. It's so tempting to wanna sit back and soak everything in and just enjoy everything, and that's okay there's nothing wrong with that, but I know I need to be intentional about my relationship with Him and take initiative sometimes.
GRRR .....I feel far from where I've been, but I feel strangely satisfied. Somehow I think it's alright. It's ok that I'm in a different place. He guides me through the seasons, some are better than others (to me) but ALL of them are ordained by Him and all of them are pointing to the same thing: intimacy with Him.
AHHHHHH my mind is so jumbled right now. This is so strangely choppy and raw, I dont know if I can even read it. It might just confuse me.
I need the light of His face to shine on me. IM NOTHING WITHOUT HIM. And I don't ever want to be nothing. So I cant ever be without Him.
He knows everything. He knows the best thing for me. And its' all for His glory. Its all so that His glory will be released in the earth. Every time I try to plan out my life or think about the future and try to scrounge up some sort of map or something, or make something work out that I think is the right thing, IT NEVER WORKS. It just doesn't work my way. He always has something different. And I always end up liking it better. I really do. Never ever thought I would say that, but I always end up liking His will better than my own, even if sometimes it is the LAST THING I wanted Him to do. Or the thing I was most afraid of, or trying to get Him NOT to do. "NO GOD! ANYTHING BUT THIS! I CAN TAKE ANYTHING BUT THIS! JUST DON'T MESS WITH THIS AND I'LL BE FINE!" .......But its' always Him who knows what I can really take. I thought I couldn't take it, wouldn't be able to stand it, and it happened. And I did take it. And I'm alright. WOW, MIRACULOUSLY, I AM ALRIGHT.
HE ALWAYS KNOWS BEST! I just can't get over that. He always does His will and it turns out way more than I ever expected. He always ruins my plans, and hurts me, all so that He can make everything better than I ever thought. I just love the way He works.....
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