The past few weeks, my eyes have been opened to reality. I have been catching up with a bunch of old friends, hearing about the lives of people I know, and I just think "Why me? Why am I not like them? Why did my life steer away from all of that hurt? Why did my life take such a different route, than even the one I thought it was destined to take? The route that most people like me and my closest friends have taken?"
I wonder why people so close to me are so deeply hurting and I am not. I wonder why almost everyone in my life is in some kind of pain, and I am not. It's not like I am wishing oppression upon myself, but I just wonder WHY. WHY ME. WHY AM I THE ONE GOD SPARED.
I've been hearing people tell me things and I remember just thinking, "Wow, you know, people have had to deal with some pretty tough stuff. People have been through alot. And all I am is blessed. I listen to everyone's problems, and I don't really have any of my own." I know that pain is inevitable, and that everyone experiences some type of extreme heartbreak in a lifetime. And I guess I have had a few heartaches, I mean it's not like my life is perfect and everything is just smooth sailing and I have no problems. But when I look at my life and then I look at other people around me, my problems seem so insignificant. And they almost go away. All the little hurts I have had, they have still been real, but they are just so minor in light of this really hard stuff. I'm almost in awe, like Wow, people are hurting. It's almost like I am seeing it for the first time. And I look at some of my friends who were JUST LIKE ME when we were younger and I always pictured our lives kinda being pretty similar, like turning out in a pretty simple way, because we were so much alike. But, now, I look at our lives, and God has done something TOTALLY DIFFERENT to mine. It's like my life DID NOT GO on the path that it was supposed to. My life didn't, and isn't, turning out like I expected. Like I thought it would like all my friends. People change so much. What is it about me that makes my life different? Why did He choose to spare me from this heartache and pain and sometimes even these mundane lives? I look at my friends lives and think "I was supposed to have that life. But I don't. I would've been just like them, but I'm not." AND WHY. WHY am I not like them? WHAT HAPPENED TO ME, TO MY LIFE? I am completely in awe that God totally turned my life upside down, BEFORE I even went through anything. It's like He saved me BEFORE I could do anything. He didn't even let me go a little bit before He saved me, like so many I know. He completely held so tight to me that I didn't even take one wrong step towards the world. It's like, if I even would have TRIED to, which I did, it wouldn't have done anything. He held onto me and my life so tightly. WHY. WHY. I don't understand. I just wish that He could have done that to some of my friends so that they wouldn't have to suffer so much. WHAT EVEN HAPPENED TO MY LIFE. WHAT DID HE EVEN DO. I don't understand.
He gave me a totally different life. It's like, when I was born, there was a blueprint for me and my life, and He ripped it apart and said "No. Not this one. She's not having this life. I am giving her a new blueprint." WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not even that the original blueprint would have been bad! But He chose to just do a totally different thing! I don't understand. That's the essence of my testimony, I guess...that He held me so close to His side, the world and the devil had NOTHING on me. That He spared me. He plucked me from the fire, BEFORE I EVEN WENT INTO THE FIRE. HE SAVED MY LIFE BEFORE I NEEDED IT.
He chose to spare me. And I will never understand why ME and not this one. But I am eternally grateful. I can't believe He spared me, but He did. And hallelujah.
