My heart is shifting so much, I can feel it. Here I am in Missouri at IHOP, doing Fire in the Night, halfway through it. I finally got here, where my heart longed to be for so long. But now its already half over and I don't want to leave. I don't know what to do. I longed to come here, but it wasn't time yet. So finally the door opens for March 2010 and I come. And before I came I thought, oh I'm only doing 3 months, and then I'm coming back home and maybe I'll do the rest later. And I was like, oh yeah I'll make good friends and stuff, but I never thought they would be my absolute best friends forever and I'd have to say goodbye to them so soon. I never thought it would be like such a family and we'd all become so close to eachother. I never want to leave this community. I wasn't even for sure doing track2 .....until like the 3rd week when I knew I wanted to be here as long as possible. And for the rest of it I knew I was staying. I just can't imagine leaving and I'm not sure that I will feel any different when its time to go home. I might even have a harder time than I'm thinking. And I don't know what to do at home. Just work? Unto what, then? I know that I want to be here in Missouri. I don't know why I changed my mind. This place is where my heart is now. And I wasn't expecting that. I had a plan. I was coming here to get launched. I wanted to do this internship and then go. I don't know where, but I wanted to go everywhere God would lead me. I want to travel and go all these places. I don't even know why. Like what am I going to do in all these places?
I feel like I'm even less sure of myself and my future than I was when I came here. And that's so weird because I was expecting the exact opposite. I was expecting this internship to confirm for me what I'm doing. I wanted to get a vision for my life because I had no idea how God would tie all my desires and giftings together into one calling. And I thought if I came here, He would show me. But now I am totally and utterly clueless. And I'm starting to think that's the way He wanted it. He planned this out. God totally knew what He was doing. He wants me completely dependant on Him alone and nothing of my own strength. He wants me to lean on Him and not my own understanding. SO therefore He chooses to strip me of everything I know, or at least I thought I knew, to make me helpless, needy, empty, and lacking. So that I would lean into Him. And now He shows me what He is going to do. ONE STEP AT A TIME. All I know is the next 3 months. That's as far as i can see right now. I can't see past September 2010 right now. And that's ok, that's how God wants it. I have no clue about anything anymore. I've realized how much I don't know.
There are so many uncertainties about my life and even the near future. I know its all going to work out for my good and HIs glory but sometimes its so hard to trust! I KNOW HE IS BUILDING MY FAITH. Faith is hope in what is UNSEEN.
And He just taught me a lesson yesterday. Through watching another person's situation. One of my best friends who really wanted something and was hoping for it the whole time, and finally she didn't get it. It wasn't what she was expecting. Through that God was telling me not to use this time to hope for something. But to use this time for Him and Him only, or else I will leave disappointed when that something doesn't happen. Because really, it's not going to happen. At least right now. 6 months is not enough time for any of that. It's just not the right time or place for this. And this internship is solely for the purpose of God, not me or my life. So I'm releasing it into His hands. I know that HIS LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE, AND IT SATISFIES.
I came here to be completely consumed in the Father and in a love relationship with Him. I came here to be satisfied in Him, fully alive and to turn my back on other lovers. I came here to be sustained and to have the 1st commandment restored to first place in my life and heart. I have seen God do all these things to me since I've been here. He is so faithful. I have grown and changed so much, and my heart is different. It has been re-aligned. I feel that this is right. THIS IS RIGHT. I am RIGHT, I'm in the right place. That is such a good feeling. Nothing is off about any of this. It's the right thing.
It's gonna be hard to leave when I don't know if anything will ever happen along these lines, but I know that He has got this. This is all Him. It's all on Him. God is the one to move me and other people at just the right place and time and do everything He has promised. We are all pawns on a chessboard in the palm of His hand, and He shuffles us about and orders our steps in any way He chooses, always in love. So I'm not worried. I know His ways are perfect. And all His plans are good and delightful to the heart. He is SO FAITHFUL. He will never disappoint me. I am going to leave Missouri with such a hope in my heart and so much thankfulness and gratitude in me toward all that He has done and where He has taken me. He is so good. I love His ways.
NO ONE WHO WAITS UPON THE LORD WILL EVER BE ASHAMED. I'm not going to be disappointed. Because I'm lifting my vision higher, to the right thing. I'll never be disappointed when I'm looking to Him. He is the giver of all good things. He is not stingy. NO GOOD THING DOES HE WITHHOLD FROM THOSE WHO FEAR HIM, THOSE WHO SEEK THE LORD LACK NO GOOD THING!!!!!! He is so faithful. He has the best most amazing and prosperous dreams. HE LOVES ME, HE KNOWS ME BEST AND HE IS GENEROUS AND CHEERFUL GIVER! HE LOVES TO GIVE GOOD GIFTS AND ABUNDANT LIFE! He is always good, never once has He not been faithful. Time and time again He has shown Himself true. It's all working together for my good. I'M SO EXCITED! I LOVE HIM!!! :) :) :)
