I have been home from IHOP for a few weeks now. The last day of the internship I was absolutely a mess of tears, tissues, crazy laughing and dancing and emotional wreckage on the inside. I spent the majority of the day/night crying. I cried when everyone prayed over eachother, over me, cried when we were all standing outside together, cried at the last meeting in that little side room with my roommates and leaders, cried walking up the aisle in the prayer room. I went right up the very front row, I don't even remember what song they were doing, but I sat down, held out my hands to the Lord and just started crying. I couldn't stop crying through the whole set. And the 2 sets after that. For the whole six hours, I cried, went to the back and took communion, cried, hugged every person that walked by, cried, stood at the map and cried, stood in the dance section and cried (I couldn't even dance) walked to the bathroom and cried, and on and on......My heart was just overwhelmed. I wasn't even sad, I just had to cry. Because I knew that all the Lord had done in me, I knew all He had promised me, I knew the work He had done on my heart, I knew all the things that had happened in the last 6 months. It was all too much for me. I will never forget that night, September 23rd, 2010. JESUS IS MY BELOVED.
So after breakfast at IHOP pancakes, we all said our goodbyes and then drove back home together for the last time. After my crazy emtotional roller coaster of a day/night, I decided there was no way I could go to sleep now. Plus, the sunshine and breeze were just too much for me to resist. So I finished packing up in my room, then grabbed a sweater and went for a walk. I walked to Shiloh, the park I usually went to when I went for my runs in the mornings. The sky was SO blue, cloudless, and the sun was so warm and the breeze was perfect. THE WEATHER WAS SOOOO PERFECT! I couldn't have asked for a better day! (I'm sure part of my joy in the sunshine was due to the fact that for half a year I had not been up this time of day to see the sun at this time. It was the brightest and most beautiful thing I had seen in half a year!) :) HAHA. That's what the nightwatch will do to you..HA! :)
So I walked up and down those crazy Missouri hills, down the winding dirt road into Shiloh, and down by the lake. I stopped at a bench that I usually go past on my runs, at the foot of the lake. And all I could do was sit there overwhelmed. Words cannot describe the way my heart was feeling that day! I felt the absolute most satisfied, peaceful JOY I have ever felt in my life! And I sat there on that bench and just started pouring out my heart to the Lord, looking up at all the trees, and all that was in my heart was gratitude, thankfulness. He had been so, SO very good to me.
I sat there crying the joy that welled up within me, if that even makes sense. I was so overwhelmed with joy that I had to do something, so I cried! I got up off the bench and kept walking, with the intent to go on my usual path, but even farther this time. I went up the hill past the field of sunflowers. Just me, all alone, me and Jesus. I went around the corner, down through the green area, and to one of my favorite parts of the walk, the little rocky creek that cuts right across the trail. I kicked off my flip flops and danced around in the little creek. SO MUCH FUN! I felt the joy and delight of the Lord. I have never felt more satisfied. For once I didn't need anything, or anyone else. I had my Beloved and that was enough. He is more than enough for me. He has filled every desire of my heart, and I truly lack NOTHING. "No good thing has He withheld...."
After my little creek dance, I kept on, around another lake. Then hiked up the woodsy area into the really narrow path in the forest! SO beautiful. I saw like 3 or 4 deer, really close! SOOOO BEAUTIFUL! I went farther on the path than I ever have, it goes so far back into the woods. All the while enjoying the sweet presence of the Lord, feeling so satisfied and just wonderful and beautiful and everything you could ever want. On the walk back, I stopped at the other lake, and there is a little gazebo at the foot of the lake. So I thought "Why not?!" I ran through the tall, tall grass to the gazebo, kicked off my shoes and jumped up onto it. I sat on the little ledge, all by myself, in the sunshine, literally felt the light of God's face shining on me. I didn't need anything else. NOTHING. Jumped down and ran back onto the path. Then I couldn't resist. I had to dance! I danced down the rest of the path until I reached the little creek again. I don't know if anyone saw me, but I don't even care. I danced with Daddy, out in the beautiful creation He made for me. Truly I took a walk with God in this precious hour on Friday September 24th. I would not trade that day for ANYTHING!
I was SO HAPPY! Not just joyful, but joyful AND......HAPPY. FOR REAL. I couldn't have asked for anything more. I didn't even wish that my man was with me. I didn't need him. I only needed my Beloved. HE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ME.
It was a place where I didn't know what was next, where to go or what to do when I got there. I have never been more uncertain about the future than I have these days. But you know what? It is one of the most beautiful seasons I have known. Because I am leaning with all that I am, on my Beloved. All I need to know is I love Him, and He loves me. I don't need to know where I'm going. I don't need to know what job I need to get. Or whether or not to go to school, or somewhere else, or to move here or there. I don't need to know any of that! I would like to know some, and I'm used to having a little something to hold onto so I don't freak out, but I don't need to know any of that. All I need to know is that He is leading me perfectly. He doesn't fail me. All I need to know is MY DADDY LOVES ME. He has proved Himself to me time and time again. I am entirely utterly clueless but I LOVE IT! I KNOW MY DADDY, AND I KNOW HIS FAITHFULNESS.
He is good, SO, SO, SO good to me!
More to come......
No comments:
Post a Comment