I want to be free...

I want to be free to be me in my fullness.

I've been held down way too long, I've held back for way too long.

My spirit is going to explode if I don't break free soon...

Heaven aches to hear my freedom song and I ache to sing it...

The multitudes ache for me to belt it out with no ties and I ache to let it rise...

All I want is my extravagant devotion to come out in front of anyone and everyone because I am so in love with the One who causes it.

I have got to fix my gaze on Him, I have got to look up. Look away from everything that's tying me here in the moment and look UP, fix my gaze ABOVE, that the river may flow down and overtake me, that it may flow out of me.

I was there once. I was there in the place of not caring. I was in that place. The place where conversations about hair and clothes would happen and I'd participate but say "It's temporal." The place where I would be watching our dance team and look around at the ripe souls all around and get so excited and say "Look at all the chains falling off! Do you see them falling off, do you see what's happening!?" The place where I would look at the person next to me and say "Do you smell that? Oil...." The place where I would freely give and freely receive so much. I used to be there. My soul aches to be there again.

Brian is there. I wish I was there as well. What happened? I'd give anything to be back in that place. Brian has the sensitivity that's I've been lacking for so long. The sensitivity that disappeared somehow. He has the spiritual eyes opened and he is so perceptive and sensitive to the spirit's leading. He talks about earthly things with little interest. He has eternal vision. And he also has internal first. He has the secret place first, the first things first. He's exactly where I wish I was. The world doesn't have a hold on him. I see the fruit of his secret place in his life. I see the fruit coming out of his mouth, and through his actions, and the way he lives. The world truly has nothing on him. He just doesn't care. He's exactly what I wish I was. I used to be that.

How I yearn to come home. How I yearn, how my heart aches to be with Him again. Yet I try and try, so much, and it doesn't happen. I havent' felt that way in almost 2 years. I had a year of that place. And I've never had it again. I've shed so many tears, cried out to Him, danced unto Him, sang praises and let my heart rejoice despite my position, and yet I can't feel it....What am I doing wrong?