of my winter vacation. Tomorrow's the last day. And then....back into everything full force. I'm in the home stretch here! Before I leave! I've been waiting sooo long for this and I couldnt be more excited. Two months left!
I've been kind of confused lately. About my life and things. But I know that He's got it all taken care of already. I just want His face. I just want to know Him. I want to see His glory. And I want it to be the central, driving force of everything I do and everything I am. Its so easy to slack. Like SO EASY. I always fall back into my "its all good" sliding along without a care in the world attitude. I can't deny that He has blessed me SO MUCH lately. OVERWHELMINGLY. I mean He has been SO AMAZINGLY GOOD to me in these past few months, all year actually. It's so tempting to wanna sit back and soak everything in and just enjoy everything, and that's okay there's nothing wrong with that, but I know I need to be intentional about my relationship with Him and take initiative sometimes.
GRRR .....I feel far from where I've been, but I feel strangely satisfied. Somehow I think it's alright. It's ok that I'm in a different place. He guides me through the seasons, some are better than others (to me) but ALL of them are ordained by Him and all of them are pointing to the same thing: intimacy with Him.
AHHHHHH my mind is so jumbled right now. This is so strangely choppy and raw, I dont know if I can even read it. It might just confuse me.
I need the light of His face to shine on me. IM NOTHING WITHOUT HIM. And I don't ever want to be nothing. So I cant ever be without Him.
He knows everything. He knows the best thing for me. And its' all for His glory. Its all so that His glory will be released in the earth. Every time I try to plan out my life or think about the future and try to scrounge up some sort of map or something, or make something work out that I think is the right thing, IT NEVER WORKS. It just doesn't work my way. He always has something different. And I always end up liking it better. I really do. Never ever thought I would say that, but I always end up liking His will better than my own, even if sometimes it is the LAST THING I wanted Him to do. Or the thing I was most afraid of, or trying to get Him NOT to do. "NO GOD! ANYTHING BUT THIS! I CAN TAKE ANYTHING BUT THIS! JUST DON'T MESS WITH THIS AND I'LL BE FINE!" .......But its' always Him who knows what I can really take. I thought I couldn't take it, wouldn't be able to stand it, and it happened. And I did take it. And I'm alright. WOW, MIRACULOUSLY, I AM ALRIGHT.
HE ALWAYS KNOWS BEST! I just can't get over that. He always does His will and it turns out way more than I ever expected. He always ruins my plans, and hurts me, all so that He can make everything better than I ever thought. I just love the way He works.....
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Monday, December 21, 2009
It's the Little Things
He wants me just as I am. Right now in this place, the place that I'm thinking I've just got to get out of so God will be happy with me. No. I've missed the point. NOTHING I EVER DO IS GOING TO EARN ME HIS LOVE. That's the whole point of the cross. DUHHH.....
Today in a bookstore I picked up a random book, and opened to the introduction (I never read the introductions) and skimmed just a little and read something like this:
Someone asked someone to hold out their hands and try to grab onto some water that was poured out. Needless to say it absolutely didn't work. Then they asked the same person to simply cup their hands and hold them out, and catch the water that was poured. And ....it worked. There was water in their hands. What's the point of that?
...The point is I have to stop trying to grab onto His love for me and just RECEIVE IT. I'm never going to get it if I keep fumbling around trying to latch onto it. It's when I stop trying and just open up and receive that I get it. That's where I don't miss the point. Nothing that I am doing or have done to this point has gotten me God's stamp of approval or His love or happiness towards me. It's really kind of obvious when I look at the facts....
I mean look at all the past examples we have. So many to choose from. How many screwed up people with screwed up lives has God used for incredibly amazing things? And how many perfect people who always have it together, who always know what they're doing and who have "arrived".....how many of those people have been used for incredible things? Hmm......
Take David for example. He walked with God, he worshiped, he lived life under God's protective hand, he was in love with God. He danced like a madman when the ark was brought to the temple. He shepherded the sheep under his care, he fought off bears and lions, etc. etc. etc. And what else? Oh that's right. He slept with a hot girl because he....couldn't resist temptation. And after that ended up becoming a great king and has never failed to have his family line on the throne (a promise God made to him).
Exactly what does this tell us? GOD WANTS IMPERFECTION. Why? BECAUSE IT LEADS TO ENTIRE, UTTER DEPENDANCE ON HIM. See, it all ties together. He is proven strong in our weakness, right? YES.
Does that mean I'm saying its ok to just go and screw up and lust after a hot girl so God will use it for His good and you will end up being used for amazing things? NO FREAKING WAY. Obedience is so much easier. But a lot of people think that we have to earn rights to be called a son or a daughter of God. If that's the case, then who can do it? It's impossible!
What I learned today, when I wasn't even looking for a lesson, when I wasn't studying the Bible, when I wasn't immersed in deep worship, when I was just living and breathing and, yes, Christmas shopping actually. (The point here is that God will take you anytime, anywhere, in any place you're at, in your humanity... :) ..But what I learned is that
1) I am never going to "arrive" (meaning I will ALWAYS have something that needs to be worked on, prefected, refined, etc. )
2) I have got to get my eyes off of ME and just let Him use me anyway, no matter how much I want to protest and tell Him "No, not yet! Just let me take care of this issue, just let me fix this imperfection, and then you can use me!" ....He wants me as I am, and He will use it. Yes, LIKE THAT.
3) I DONT HAVE TO TRY ANYMORE (wasn't that what I was supposed to know when I said "I want the cross" ??? Hello????? LOL......Thats the point of grace, thank you.
4) I have to stop grabbing onto His love for me and just receive it! I always think I don't want to receive it when He wants to love on me cause I'm not worthy of it yet, I'm not clean enough for Him to love me right now, I havent done enough yet, I havent been in my Bible yet today, I havent prayed at all today, so don't love me right now because I'm actually not even thinking about you and how I love you God, I'm thinking about myself and my plans and blahblahblahblahBLAHHHHH....When THE WHOLE POINT IS GRACE, it's for Him to love on me cause I really am the farthest thing from worth it!
5) ISN'T THAT GREAT! THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY AND it totally releases me from any and all kind of weight.
Sometimes I just have to stop pushing His love away and just receive. And accept it. HE LOVES ME AND NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE THAT. ITS UNCHANGING. Even if I don't even WANT his love, He still loves me..there's no getting around it.
And on second thought, isn't it so much better when you receive His love?????
Today in a bookstore I picked up a random book, and opened to the introduction (I never read the introductions) and skimmed just a little and read something like this:
Someone asked someone to hold out their hands and try to grab onto some water that was poured out. Needless to say it absolutely didn't work. Then they asked the same person to simply cup their hands and hold them out, and catch the water that was poured. And ....it worked. There was water in their hands. What's the point of that?
...The point is I have to stop trying to grab onto His love for me and just RECEIVE IT. I'm never going to get it if I keep fumbling around trying to latch onto it. It's when I stop trying and just open up and receive that I get it. That's where I don't miss the point. Nothing that I am doing or have done to this point has gotten me God's stamp of approval or His love or happiness towards me. It's really kind of obvious when I look at the facts....
I mean look at all the past examples we have. So many to choose from. How many screwed up people with screwed up lives has God used for incredibly amazing things? And how many perfect people who always have it together, who always know what they're doing and who have "arrived".....how many of those people have been used for incredible things? Hmm......
Take David for example. He walked with God, he worshiped, he lived life under God's protective hand, he was in love with God. He danced like a madman when the ark was brought to the temple. He shepherded the sheep under his care, he fought off bears and lions, etc. etc. etc. And what else? Oh that's right. He slept with a hot girl because he....couldn't resist temptation. And after that ended up becoming a great king and has never failed to have his family line on the throne (a promise God made to him).
Exactly what does this tell us? GOD WANTS IMPERFECTION. Why? BECAUSE IT LEADS TO ENTIRE, UTTER DEPENDANCE ON HIM. See, it all ties together. He is proven strong in our weakness, right? YES.
Does that mean I'm saying its ok to just go and screw up and lust after a hot girl so God will use it for His good and you will end up being used for amazing things? NO FREAKING WAY. Obedience is so much easier. But a lot of people think that we have to earn rights to be called a son or a daughter of God. If that's the case, then who can do it? It's impossible!
What I learned today, when I wasn't even looking for a lesson, when I wasn't studying the Bible, when I wasn't immersed in deep worship, when I was just living and breathing and, yes, Christmas shopping actually. (The point here is that God will take you anytime, anywhere, in any place you're at, in your humanity... :) ..But what I learned is that
1) I am never going to "arrive" (meaning I will ALWAYS have something that needs to be worked on, prefected, refined, etc. )
2) I have got to get my eyes off of ME and just let Him use me anyway, no matter how much I want to protest and tell Him "No, not yet! Just let me take care of this issue, just let me fix this imperfection, and then you can use me!" ....He wants me as I am, and He will use it. Yes, LIKE THAT.
3) I DONT HAVE TO TRY ANYMORE (wasn't that what I was supposed to know when I said "I want the cross" ??? Hello????? LOL......Thats the point of grace, thank you.
4) I have to stop grabbing onto His love for me and just receive it! I always think I don't want to receive it when He wants to love on me cause I'm not worthy of it yet, I'm not clean enough for Him to love me right now, I havent done enough yet, I havent been in my Bible yet today, I havent prayed at all today, so don't love me right now because I'm actually not even thinking about you and how I love you God, I'm thinking about myself and my plans and blahblahblahblahBLAHHHHH....When THE WHOLE POINT IS GRACE, it's for Him to love on me cause I really am the farthest thing from worth it!
5) ISN'T THAT GREAT! THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY AND it totally releases me from any and all kind of weight.
Sometimes I just have to stop pushing His love away and just receive. And accept it. HE LOVES ME AND NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE THAT. ITS UNCHANGING. Even if I don't even WANT his love, He still loves me..there's no getting around it.
And on second thought, isn't it so much better when you receive His love?????
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
God comes when you least expect it
Like the sunrise over a mountain range, His glory breaks forth and all you can do is sit and take it in. He comes when you least expect it!!
A normal saturday with relaxing and having fun on my mind. A shopping trip with a friend. Just doing what lots of girls would do on a weekend. Then, driving home that night, I turn to my friend who is searching for a song to play on my ipod and I say "play my night drive worship mix" She turns it on and immediately I am taken back to my roots, past all the busyness of the moment, past all the craziness and little distractions of my young adult life, and I am immediately swept up into His presence. I WASN'T EVEN EXPECTING THAT. I would listen to this stuff all the time, and wouldn't really feel much, but would still worship. This time without even knowing what would happen I did the same thing as I always do, expecting the same thing to happen, to just worship with my heart and not feel God. BUT THIS TIME HE BROKE IN OVER ME! He came to me, like a sudden sunrise, in the middle of the dark night it just breaks in like a light and shines on everything in its path.
THAT WAS WHEN I LEAST EXPECTED HIM TO COME! A shopping trip? One of the most girly things to do with your weekend? The whole day eyeing lots of guys and them eyeing you, shopping for cute clothes, eating at nice restaurants? I say all this to point out how NOT ready and prepared I was for the Spirit to fall. This hardly seems like the place God would come in the midst of, right??
Wrong. He WANTS to break down every barrier and every wall that stands in the way of His presence falling on the hearts of men. And He will do it. Not to say any of this was bad, I was just going about my life as I normally would. I had been praying for more of God, I had been asking for His presence, I had been doing a lot to warrant this fresh move. What I was missing was His actual move to my heart. I was waiting for it. I was waiting for Him to initiate something, so that I could respond to Him. So that my heart could respond to His, so that I would begin to draw toward Him and He would draw near to me. I had yearned to draw near to the Lord, having certain unexpected times my heart would just long and I would cry to the Lord for hours. I would long to be with the Lord and ask for His presence. But then life would call my name. My alarm would go off. I would get up and go about my day like normal, hanging onto the hope that someday soon I would see Him. When I could stop being so busy or something. When I could leave for missouri in march, when I wouldn't have a job to take me away from Him.
I always felt that I could love Him more if I just could sit at His feet all day long and all into the night. I felt that I wasn't loving Him strong enough, that I could do better. That if only I just didn't have to work. If only I didn't have this job that take up so much of my time. That I could just love him. "ALL I WANT TO DO IS BE WITH GOD AND I CAN'T! I HAVE TO WAKE UP AND GO TO WORK WHEN ALL I WANT IS TO LOVE GOD TODAY!" I would get so frustrated.
And then He broke down all the barriers. He came to me. He told me He loves my purity and he sees my heart, and he knows the longing I have for him. And that same night when He awakened me, I got a picture of what was happening. We were almost home, driving down park avenue, and I looked up into the sky, and then I noticed a street light. It was off. And as soon as I looked at it, it started to flicker until it came on. It looked to me as if it had been asleep, so to speak, and then, just like that, it wakes up. It lights up again. It comes back to life. And God told me that's what He was doing to me.
Then sunday night after church, I was on my way home, and I pulled up to a stop sign and just immediately started pouring out my heart to him, like I couldn't even stop it, it just welled up and finally had to surface. I just relayed everything to Him. And after I was done, He came again. His presence filled my heart. I went home and He was still resting on me. He put on my heart to fast 3 days, eating only fruits & vegetables. He said this would empty me so that I would be an open and receptive vessel to hold His glory.
A normal saturday with relaxing and having fun on my mind. A shopping trip with a friend. Just doing what lots of girls would do on a weekend. Then, driving home that night, I turn to my friend who is searching for a song to play on my ipod and I say "play my night drive worship mix" She turns it on and immediately I am taken back to my roots, past all the busyness of the moment, past all the craziness and little distractions of my young adult life, and I am immediately swept up into His presence. I WASN'T EVEN EXPECTING THAT. I would listen to this stuff all the time, and wouldn't really feel much, but would still worship. This time without even knowing what would happen I did the same thing as I always do, expecting the same thing to happen, to just worship with my heart and not feel God. BUT THIS TIME HE BROKE IN OVER ME! He came to me, like a sudden sunrise, in the middle of the dark night it just breaks in like a light and shines on everything in its path.
THAT WAS WHEN I LEAST EXPECTED HIM TO COME! A shopping trip? One of the most girly things to do with your weekend? The whole day eyeing lots of guys and them eyeing you, shopping for cute clothes, eating at nice restaurants? I say all this to point out how NOT ready and prepared I was for the Spirit to fall. This hardly seems like the place God would come in the midst of, right??
Wrong. He WANTS to break down every barrier and every wall that stands in the way of His presence falling on the hearts of men. And He will do it. Not to say any of this was bad, I was just going about my life as I normally would. I had been praying for more of God, I had been asking for His presence, I had been doing a lot to warrant this fresh move. What I was missing was His actual move to my heart. I was waiting for it. I was waiting for Him to initiate something, so that I could respond to Him. So that my heart could respond to His, so that I would begin to draw toward Him and He would draw near to me. I had yearned to draw near to the Lord, having certain unexpected times my heart would just long and I would cry to the Lord for hours. I would long to be with the Lord and ask for His presence. But then life would call my name. My alarm would go off. I would get up and go about my day like normal, hanging onto the hope that someday soon I would see Him. When I could stop being so busy or something. When I could leave for missouri in march, when I wouldn't have a job to take me away from Him.
I always felt that I could love Him more if I just could sit at His feet all day long and all into the night. I felt that I wasn't loving Him strong enough, that I could do better. That if only I just didn't have to work. If only I didn't have this job that take up so much of my time. That I could just love him. "ALL I WANT TO DO IS BE WITH GOD AND I CAN'T! I HAVE TO WAKE UP AND GO TO WORK WHEN ALL I WANT IS TO LOVE GOD TODAY!" I would get so frustrated.
And then He broke down all the barriers. He came to me. He told me He loves my purity and he sees my heart, and he knows the longing I have for him. And that same night when He awakened me, I got a picture of what was happening. We were almost home, driving down park avenue, and I looked up into the sky, and then I noticed a street light. It was off. And as soon as I looked at it, it started to flicker until it came on. It looked to me as if it had been asleep, so to speak, and then, just like that, it wakes up. It lights up again. It comes back to life. And God told me that's what He was doing to me.
Then sunday night after church, I was on my way home, and I pulled up to a stop sign and just immediately started pouring out my heart to him, like I couldn't even stop it, it just welled up and finally had to surface. I just relayed everything to Him. And after I was done, He came again. His presence filled my heart. I went home and He was still resting on me. He put on my heart to fast 3 days, eating only fruits & vegetables. He said this would empty me so that I would be an open and receptive vessel to hold His glory.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
My mind is blank......
What to say????
What did God show me yesterday?
That He will continue to pull and tug on my heart until he has it all. He won't relent until he has all of me.
You know a few days ago I got really mad. I told God "Well, if you really wanted me as much as you say you do, then you would be pursuing me and coming after me. Obviously you don't want me that much, because you're not even pursuing me at all."
And you know what He said? The exact same thing to me. "Obviously you don't want me as much as you say you do, because you're not pursuing me at all, you're not coming after me."
I was totally floored. I was looking in the mirror putting on makeup when this was going on. And when God said that I stopped and put the brush down and just stared at myself in the mirror speechless. IT REALLY IS ....A RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES TWO PEOPLE, NOT ONE. If a relationship consists of one person doing everything, its not a relationship.
I was driving around when the sun was going down and the sky was orangey-pink and purple, and then it got dark and the moon came out, and I went to the river, and it was so sparkly on the water. It was so gorgeous. And while I was sitting on the dock this cool breeze was blowing on my face and through my hair and He reminded me of how indescribable and uncomparable he is. And my heart started breaking because of every time I choose something less than....when I could have HIM...
What did God show me yesterday?
That He will continue to pull and tug on my heart until he has it all. He won't relent until he has all of me.
You know a few days ago I got really mad. I told God "Well, if you really wanted me as much as you say you do, then you would be pursuing me and coming after me. Obviously you don't want me that much, because you're not even pursuing me at all."
And you know what He said? The exact same thing to me. "Obviously you don't want me as much as you say you do, because you're not pursuing me at all, you're not coming after me."
I was totally floored. I was looking in the mirror putting on makeup when this was going on. And when God said that I stopped and put the brush down and just stared at myself in the mirror speechless. IT REALLY IS ....A RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES TWO PEOPLE, NOT ONE. If a relationship consists of one person doing everything, its not a relationship.
I was driving around when the sun was going down and the sky was orangey-pink and purple, and then it got dark and the moon came out, and I went to the river, and it was so sparkly on the water. It was so gorgeous. And while I was sitting on the dock this cool breeze was blowing on my face and through my hair and He reminded me of how indescribable and uncomparable he is. And my heart started breaking because of every time I choose something less than....when I could have HIM...
Saturday, October 24, 2009
its all about to change......
Now more than ever I feel my heart shifting into what is next.....I know that this full and abundant time will not last forever. I dont know how much longer my life is going to be so full and rich and happy and full of life. I know what He has called me to. Its an entire 180degree turn from the path I wanted for myself. He told me it is going to be filled with LIFE, if I take this way. But do you know....I used to think differently about what "full of life" meant. I used to think that if my life was "full of life" it would be happy, joyful, rich in blessings all the time. No. I was missing the point. When God told me full of life He meant something else. He meant HIS way of life. "Whoever seeks to save his life will lose it, ...whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.." He meant OH SO SWEET and also OH SO HARD. You see, I don't think you can have just one without the other. If you have one without the other, then life really isn't all that great. It's drinking from the cup of blessing AND the cup of suffering that makes it all worth it.
How can suffering make it all worth it? For me there is only one way to have anything to present to God at the end of it all. Its if I walked through EVERYTHING, as much as I could like Jesus. Let me tell you the way Jesus lived was DEFINITELY not always sweet and blessed and prosperous. But the thing is , he knew his mission and he knew his calling. He did not go through life dreading it, but rather he longed for it, because "he knew that it was his calling and purpose in life as a man at that time. To betrothe a fallen harlot back to himself." [audra lynn]
I just think to myself, how can I know what He has asked of me (the same as him) and know the destiny that He has placed on my life, and choose not to go that way? How can I see his love for me, and then hear his calling for me, and choose something else? I can't even imagine doing that, or what my life would be like if I did.
You know what I just told God one night "You know I don't CARE if I ever write a book or make a cd or live here in america in abundance. Go ahead God take that from me. Take as many of my dreams as you want from me. If I NEVER get to make the cd that ive always wanted to do, its ok. If I never get to dance again, its ok. If my life never turns out the way I pictured it in my little cinderella dreams as a little girl, its ok. God you can have all of me. I AM THE OFFERING. I dont want to give you just my money, or just my worship, or just my compassionate heart, I WANT TO GIVE YOU ME. I'M the offering. You gave YOU as an offering, so I want to give me. You didnt come here and give me money. You didnt come to earth and give me blessings, or a good life, or any of that. You came here and gave me ALL OF YOU as an offering. You are the example of what I have to do. My life isn't even mine to give up. Its always belonged to you.
All I know to do is just give him everything. Thats all I know to do. Thats just where my heart belongs. My heart thrives in the laying down and letting go and emptying.
I so look forward to the path that He wants to take me on, instead of my own. When I talk to people I grew up with and havent talked to in a while, and I tell them about what I'm doing, and theyre just like "Wow, i never would have guessed that," or "I never saw that coming" .....And I'm just like "I know, me neither."
I never dreamed that all my dreams would not come true, but instead there was a whole other set of dreams for me that I dont yet know, and I never dreamed that I would be so excited to give mine up and exchange them.
Its like, every time I sit down again to a huge meal, I think of those dears who havent ever got to do that. Every time I put on a cd, or open up a notebook, or even send a text message, i think of those who dont even know what its like to own , even a book. Or a blanket. Every time I drive around, I think of those who have to walk everywhere. Every time I'm at church, I think of those who stay at theirs for hours and hours, because there's not anywhere else they have to go after. There's nowhere even TO go. They have nothing else to do. They don't have anything.
Even just HEARING about the poorest of the poor, it makes me think Im missing something. Theres something about the heart of the poor "that God responds to" [heidi baker] ....They dont know anything about our way of life. If they saw even a small FRACTION, they would be overwhelmed. All they know is that they are in need and if God doesn't come, they will die. Thats how I want to live. Im not saying Im wishing to be poor. Im not saying I want to go forsake america and go live in africa in a tent made out of a sheet. I just want my heart to be in its rightful place. And if it takes going to africa for God to do that, then heck put me on a plane right now. I'm missing something. I have too much. I dont know what its like to be in need, really in need. I'm too rich. [And I'm not even rich] I just want God to sift through my heart until there's nothing in there that is AT ALL of ME. Until I KNOW THAT I NEED HIM.
I need God just like the man who doesnt own a pair of shoes needs him.
I need God just as much as the hopeless hooker that I see almost every day when I drive home.
I need God just as much as the anciently old beggar in haiti who came up to me and held out her wrinkly, old, weathered hand and looked up at me with tiny slitted eyes.
I need God just like the little kid with a life-sucking disease needs him.
I'M NOT GOING TO PUSH GOD AWAY JUST BECAUSE I HAVE EVERYTHING I COULD EVER WANT RIGHT AT MY FINGERTIPS. I NEED HIM SO MUCH! I NEED GOD!
I just want the whole world to see that WE ARE ALL DESPERATELY IN NEED OF GOD. But most won't ever see that. There's no room for God. Because everything else is here. There's no capacity for God, because everything else takes up all the space. Theres no need for God, because we're rich. We don't NEED anything. We have everything we could ever want.
It makes me so sad. I cant hardly even turn on the tv anymore without the thoughts of those dear people who KNOW they need God running over and over through my brain. I can hardly get mad when some other driver cuts me off without this tug on my heart that says "Don't miss the point.....you are a human being in desperate need of God....what makes you think you deserve anything?"
I know God has been calling me to go to poor nations since Ive been old enough to grasp why He wants me there. Hes been putting nations on my heart since I was 17. But now it seems my whole reason for even going has changed. I dont even want to go because I will get to see helpless people helped, or needy people's needs met, or that I will get to give and feed and heal people who need it. Now I just want to go so that I will be emptied. Emptied of my stubborn selfish heart-motives. Emptied of this little attitude that says "I dont need God right now because I have this. But when this is gone I will go pray because I'll need him" I WANT TO BE WITH THE POOR SO IT MAKES ME SEE HOW POOR I AM. I WANT TO SEE MYSELF AND MY DESPERATION IN THESE PEOPLE.
The truth is, we are all needy. ....Who knows what could happen? What if tomorrow a disaster happened and we lost everything? What if we couldnt just drive to starbucks when we're craving this or that? What if we couldnt just go to the doctor because this or that hurts or we have this problem? What if an army of muslim extremists invaded our country and started war here in our streets and our cities? What if our planet got out of its orbit? WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAPPEN, ANY DAY!
THE POINT IS THAT WE CANT BECOME HARD-HEARTED. WE CAN'T MISS THE POINT. WE CAN'T BE BLIND ANYMORE TO OUR NEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just feel like everything is about to change. For me, or for everyone. I dont know. But what I do know is that I can no longer live in all this blessing and miss the whole point of everything. If I can live in prosperity and still acknowledge and act on my desperate need for God then ok, I'll stay. But if I live in abundance, and become stiff necked and independant, I DONT WANT TO STAY HERE!
........just where my heart's at..To be continued... sometime, ...maybe..?
How can suffering make it all worth it? For me there is only one way to have anything to present to God at the end of it all. Its if I walked through EVERYTHING, as much as I could like Jesus. Let me tell you the way Jesus lived was DEFINITELY not always sweet and blessed and prosperous. But the thing is , he knew his mission and he knew his calling. He did not go through life dreading it, but rather he longed for it, because "he knew that it was his calling and purpose in life as a man at that time. To betrothe a fallen harlot back to himself." [audra lynn]
I just think to myself, how can I know what He has asked of me (the same as him) and know the destiny that He has placed on my life, and choose not to go that way? How can I see his love for me, and then hear his calling for me, and choose something else? I can't even imagine doing that, or what my life would be like if I did.
You know what I just told God one night "You know I don't CARE if I ever write a book or make a cd or live here in america in abundance. Go ahead God take that from me. Take as many of my dreams as you want from me. If I NEVER get to make the cd that ive always wanted to do, its ok. If I never get to dance again, its ok. If my life never turns out the way I pictured it in my little cinderella dreams as a little girl, its ok. God you can have all of me. I AM THE OFFERING. I dont want to give you just my money, or just my worship, or just my compassionate heart, I WANT TO GIVE YOU ME. I'M the offering. You gave YOU as an offering, so I want to give me. You didnt come here and give me money. You didnt come to earth and give me blessings, or a good life, or any of that. You came here and gave me ALL OF YOU as an offering. You are the example of what I have to do. My life isn't even mine to give up. Its always belonged to you.
All I know to do is just give him everything. Thats all I know to do. Thats just where my heart belongs. My heart thrives in the laying down and letting go and emptying.
I so look forward to the path that He wants to take me on, instead of my own. When I talk to people I grew up with and havent talked to in a while, and I tell them about what I'm doing, and theyre just like "Wow, i never would have guessed that," or "I never saw that coming" .....And I'm just like "I know, me neither."
I never dreamed that all my dreams would not come true, but instead there was a whole other set of dreams for me that I dont yet know, and I never dreamed that I would be so excited to give mine up and exchange them.
Its like, every time I sit down again to a huge meal, I think of those dears who havent ever got to do that. Every time I put on a cd, or open up a notebook, or even send a text message, i think of those who dont even know what its like to own , even a book. Or a blanket. Every time I drive around, I think of those who have to walk everywhere. Every time I'm at church, I think of those who stay at theirs for hours and hours, because there's not anywhere else they have to go after. There's nowhere even TO go. They have nothing else to do. They don't have anything.
Even just HEARING about the poorest of the poor, it makes me think Im missing something. Theres something about the heart of the poor "that God responds to" [heidi baker] ....They dont know anything about our way of life. If they saw even a small FRACTION, they would be overwhelmed. All they know is that they are in need and if God doesn't come, they will die. Thats how I want to live. Im not saying Im wishing to be poor. Im not saying I want to go forsake america and go live in africa in a tent made out of a sheet. I just want my heart to be in its rightful place. And if it takes going to africa for God to do that, then heck put me on a plane right now. I'm missing something. I have too much. I dont know what its like to be in need, really in need. I'm too rich. [And I'm not even rich] I just want God to sift through my heart until there's nothing in there that is AT ALL of ME. Until I KNOW THAT I NEED HIM.
I need God just like the man who doesnt own a pair of shoes needs him.
I need God just as much as the hopeless hooker that I see almost every day when I drive home.
I need God just as much as the anciently old beggar in haiti who came up to me and held out her wrinkly, old, weathered hand and looked up at me with tiny slitted eyes.
I need God just like the little kid with a life-sucking disease needs him.
I'M NOT GOING TO PUSH GOD AWAY JUST BECAUSE I HAVE EVERYTHING I COULD EVER WANT RIGHT AT MY FINGERTIPS. I NEED HIM SO MUCH! I NEED GOD!
I just want the whole world to see that WE ARE ALL DESPERATELY IN NEED OF GOD. But most won't ever see that. There's no room for God. Because everything else is here. There's no capacity for God, because everything else takes up all the space. Theres no need for God, because we're rich. We don't NEED anything. We have everything we could ever want.
It makes me so sad. I cant hardly even turn on the tv anymore without the thoughts of those dear people who KNOW they need God running over and over through my brain. I can hardly get mad when some other driver cuts me off without this tug on my heart that says "Don't miss the point.....you are a human being in desperate need of God....what makes you think you deserve anything?"
I know God has been calling me to go to poor nations since Ive been old enough to grasp why He wants me there. Hes been putting nations on my heart since I was 17. But now it seems my whole reason for even going has changed. I dont even want to go because I will get to see helpless people helped, or needy people's needs met, or that I will get to give and feed and heal people who need it. Now I just want to go so that I will be emptied. Emptied of my stubborn selfish heart-motives. Emptied of this little attitude that says "I dont need God right now because I have this. But when this is gone I will go pray because I'll need him" I WANT TO BE WITH THE POOR SO IT MAKES ME SEE HOW POOR I AM. I WANT TO SEE MYSELF AND MY DESPERATION IN THESE PEOPLE.
The truth is, we are all needy. ....Who knows what could happen? What if tomorrow a disaster happened and we lost everything? What if we couldnt just drive to starbucks when we're craving this or that? What if we couldnt just go to the doctor because this or that hurts or we have this problem? What if an army of muslim extremists invaded our country and started war here in our streets and our cities? What if our planet got out of its orbit? WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAPPEN, ANY DAY!
THE POINT IS THAT WE CANT BECOME HARD-HEARTED. WE CAN'T MISS THE POINT. WE CAN'T BE BLIND ANYMORE TO OUR NEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just feel like everything is about to change. For me, or for everyone. I dont know. But what I do know is that I can no longer live in all this blessing and miss the whole point of everything. If I can live in prosperity and still acknowledge and act on my desperate need for God then ok, I'll stay. But if I live in abundance, and become stiff necked and independant, I DONT WANT TO STAY HERE!
........just where my heart's at..To be continued... sometime, ...maybe..?
Monday, October 5, 2009
october 5 09 where my heart is
He still pursues me even when I don't respond to Him.
When my heart is pulled in so many different directions, with so many things vying for my attention, affection. Even when my affections are not on Him, and my gaze is not on him. He still pursues me.
And I always complain that "I'm not hearing anything from God! He won't talk to me, He doesn't show up, I can't feel His presence," etc. etc. etc.
How can I expect someone to do any of those things when I ignore them? When I don't act like I want to be with them or hear from them? "I;m not hearing anything from God!" Well, am I posturing myself to hear anything? Am I preparing my heart for something He might say? Am I pursuing His voice, or His words? He might have a lot He wants to say to me or talk to me about. But do I even give him enough time? Or enough room? Is there any room in my heart to hold the things of God? Or is the space in my heart already occupied and taken up by the many things I must do or think about or dwell upon or analyze? HOW MUCH ROOM IS THERE FOR GOD TO SPEAK TO ME, TO BE WITH ME? HOW MUCH CAPACITY IS THERE IN MY LIFE FOR GOD?
He will only come if there's room for Him, IF I DESIRE HIM, IF I PURUSE HIM. Yes, sometimes He will choose to pour out his spirit on anything and everything and even if you are in the way you will get it, because nothing gets in the way of God. But He longs to be DESIRED by us. He wants us to WANT him.Its so simple, RELATIONSHIP.
He already loved us before we even loved him back, and he already died for us when we were still sinners. But now that we know that, wouldn't it be natural for us to LOVE HIM? For us to desire closeness with him?
When my heart is tugged at by the daily things I have to face, my job, my responsibilites, errands, my "to-do list", etc. , is His tugging stronger? Which one do I respond to? It is usually all the other things.
He whispers things to me every day because I don't have the time, room or capacity to listen to him actually talk or pour out his heart to me. He nudges me every day because I don't want to be bothered with an interruption in my day, because it might ruin my plans. THE POINT IS THAT HE STILL PURSUES. HE DOES NOT IGNORE ME, EVEN THOUGH I IGNORE HIM.
He is waiting, longing for me to be with him, for no other reason or agenda than companionship, that he wants a best friend.
He is also holy. He is not going to sit around and wait for me to get it together and finally come trudging in to him at the end of the day exhausted. If I am not open, receptive, or willing, or if I don't respond to his pursuit, then he will find someone else to pour his spirit on. He will find someone else that he can trust with his heart and with his work. If I don't want it, you better believe there is someone else who does. There is some willing, open vessel that is crying "USE ME, GOD! SEND ME, GOD! POUR OUT YOUR SPIRIT ON ME! COME BE WITH ME! I WANT TO PARTNER WITH YOU!"
He will take anyone that wants it, it's not an elite club. But you cannot be divided. That's one thing I 've learned.
THE ONE NECCESSITY OR QUALIFICATION IS - AN UNDIVIDED HEART <3
"I will give them an undivided heart, I will put a new spirit within them, I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh."
That has been my heart's cry for the past month or so. "GOD, GIVE ME AN UNDIVIDED HEART! LET ALL MY AFFECTIONS BE ON YOU ALONE! LET ALL MY ATTENTION BE ON YOU! LET MY GAZE BE FOCUSED ON YOU, LET IT NOT TURN AWAY FROM YOUR FACE, YOUR EYES!"
I just want more of Him. I want to use this time in my life that I will never get back, this precious time when I can be completely and utterly abandoned because I don't have other people to divide my heart or people to take care of, (like my husband or my kids) I want to not waste any of this time. I want to as consecrated as possible. I want as much of Him as I can possibly hold !!!!! I want to contain as much of God as I can even contain at this point, as small of a vessel as I am, I WANT HIM TO FILL ME! Fill me to the brim, til Im overflowing.
That's what I want. I dont WANT anything else. Nothing else appeals to me right now. I ONLY WANT HIM! MY HEART CRIES OUT FOR HIM, MY SOUL IS LONGING FOR HIM
I want to take my passion, put it in a bottle just to break it at Your feet. I want to take my affections, put them in a bottle, just to waste it at You feet.
"My soul longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. AND MY SOUL LONGS FOR YOU IN A LUSH AND WEALTHY LAND WHERE THERE IS WATER, I DONT' WANT THAT WATER, I WANT YOU I ONLY WANT YOU!" [ps. 63:1]
When my heart is pulled in so many different directions, with so many things vying for my attention, affection. Even when my affections are not on Him, and my gaze is not on him. He still pursues me.
And I always complain that "I'm not hearing anything from God! He won't talk to me, He doesn't show up, I can't feel His presence," etc. etc. etc.
How can I expect someone to do any of those things when I ignore them? When I don't act like I want to be with them or hear from them? "I;m not hearing anything from God!" Well, am I posturing myself to hear anything? Am I preparing my heart for something He might say? Am I pursuing His voice, or His words? He might have a lot He wants to say to me or talk to me about. But do I even give him enough time? Or enough room? Is there any room in my heart to hold the things of God? Or is the space in my heart already occupied and taken up by the many things I must do or think about or dwell upon or analyze? HOW MUCH ROOM IS THERE FOR GOD TO SPEAK TO ME, TO BE WITH ME? HOW MUCH CAPACITY IS THERE IN MY LIFE FOR GOD?
He will only come if there's room for Him, IF I DESIRE HIM, IF I PURUSE HIM. Yes, sometimes He will choose to pour out his spirit on anything and everything and even if you are in the way you will get it, because nothing gets in the way of God. But He longs to be DESIRED by us. He wants us to WANT him.Its so simple, RELATIONSHIP.
He already loved us before we even loved him back, and he already died for us when we were still sinners. But now that we know that, wouldn't it be natural for us to LOVE HIM? For us to desire closeness with him?
When my heart is tugged at by the daily things I have to face, my job, my responsibilites, errands, my "to-do list", etc. , is His tugging stronger? Which one do I respond to? It is usually all the other things.
He whispers things to me every day because I don't have the time, room or capacity to listen to him actually talk or pour out his heart to me. He nudges me every day because I don't want to be bothered with an interruption in my day, because it might ruin my plans. THE POINT IS THAT HE STILL PURSUES. HE DOES NOT IGNORE ME, EVEN THOUGH I IGNORE HIM.
He is waiting, longing for me to be with him, for no other reason or agenda than companionship, that he wants a best friend.
He is also holy. He is not going to sit around and wait for me to get it together and finally come trudging in to him at the end of the day exhausted. If I am not open, receptive, or willing, or if I don't respond to his pursuit, then he will find someone else to pour his spirit on. He will find someone else that he can trust with his heart and with his work. If I don't want it, you better believe there is someone else who does. There is some willing, open vessel that is crying "USE ME, GOD! SEND ME, GOD! POUR OUT YOUR SPIRIT ON ME! COME BE WITH ME! I WANT TO PARTNER WITH YOU!"
He will take anyone that wants it, it's not an elite club. But you cannot be divided. That's one thing I 've learned.
THE ONE NECCESSITY OR QUALIFICATION IS - AN UNDIVIDED HEART <3
"I will give them an undivided heart, I will put a new spirit within them, I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh."
That has been my heart's cry for the past month or so. "GOD, GIVE ME AN UNDIVIDED HEART! LET ALL MY AFFECTIONS BE ON YOU ALONE! LET ALL MY ATTENTION BE ON YOU! LET MY GAZE BE FOCUSED ON YOU, LET IT NOT TURN AWAY FROM YOUR FACE, YOUR EYES!"
I just want more of Him. I want to use this time in my life that I will never get back, this precious time when I can be completely and utterly abandoned because I don't have other people to divide my heart or people to take care of, (like my husband or my kids) I want to not waste any of this time. I want to as consecrated as possible. I want as much of Him as I can possibly hold !!!!! I want to contain as much of God as I can even contain at this point, as small of a vessel as I am, I WANT HIM TO FILL ME! Fill me to the brim, til Im overflowing.
That's what I want. I dont WANT anything else. Nothing else appeals to me right now. I ONLY WANT HIM! MY HEART CRIES OUT FOR HIM, MY SOUL IS LONGING FOR HIM
I want to take my passion, put it in a bottle just to break it at Your feet. I want to take my affections, put them in a bottle, just to waste it at You feet.
"My soul longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. AND MY SOUL LONGS FOR YOU IN A LUSH AND WEALTHY LAND WHERE THERE IS WATER, I DONT' WANT THAT WATER, I WANT YOU I ONLY WANT YOU!" [ps. 63:1]
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
THE WORD
When I need joy
When I need to be reminded of God's faithfulness
When I need comfort / peace
When I need to know it's going to be worth it
When I need guidance / counsel / direction
When I need hope
When I need encouragement / something to keep me pressing on
When I want to know about God / His characteristics / what He is like
When I want to be like Jesus / learning about what He is like / the life of Christ
When I want to know what He saved me from
When I need to realize it's not about me
I am going to fill up a notebook with pages of verses - all referencing these specific things - so that I will KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW that I have a sharp sword. I want to get the Word in me and deep down in my heart so that it will start to take effect and give light to my eyes and heart and happiness and energy to my spirit. I want to KNOW the word of God. I want to know GOD.
When I need to be reminded of God's faithfulness
When I need comfort / peace
When I need to know it's going to be worth it
When I need guidance / counsel / direction
When I need hope
When I need encouragement / something to keep me pressing on
When I want to know about God / His characteristics / what He is like
When I want to be like Jesus / learning about what He is like / the life of Christ
When I want to know what He saved me from
When I need to realize it's not about me
I am going to fill up a notebook with pages of verses - all referencing these specific things - so that I will KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW that I have a sharp sword. I want to get the Word in me and deep down in my heart so that it will start to take effect and give light to my eyes and heart and happiness and energy to my spirit. I want to KNOW the word of God. I want to know GOD.
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