Like the sunrise over a mountain range, His glory breaks forth and all you can do is sit and take it in. He comes when you least expect it!!
A normal saturday with relaxing and having fun on my mind. A shopping trip with a friend. Just doing what lots of girls would do on a weekend. Then, driving home that night, I turn to my friend who is searching for a song to play on my ipod and I say "play my night drive worship mix" She turns it on and immediately I am taken back to my roots, past all the busyness of the moment, past all the craziness and little distractions of my young adult life, and I am immediately swept up into His presence. I WASN'T EVEN EXPECTING THAT. I would listen to this stuff all the time, and wouldn't really feel much, but would still worship. This time without even knowing what would happen I did the same thing as I always do, expecting the same thing to happen, to just worship with my heart and not feel God. BUT THIS TIME HE BROKE IN OVER ME! He came to me, like a sudden sunrise, in the middle of the dark night it just breaks in like a light and shines on everything in its path.
THAT WAS WHEN I LEAST EXPECTED HIM TO COME! A shopping trip? One of the most girly things to do with your weekend? The whole day eyeing lots of guys and them eyeing you, shopping for cute clothes, eating at nice restaurants? I say all this to point out how NOT ready and prepared I was for the Spirit to fall. This hardly seems like the place God would come in the midst of, right??
Wrong. He WANTS to break down every barrier and every wall that stands in the way of His presence falling on the hearts of men. And He will do it. Not to say any of this was bad, I was just going about my life as I normally would. I had been praying for more of God, I had been asking for His presence, I had been doing a lot to warrant this fresh move. What I was missing was His actual move to my heart. I was waiting for it. I was waiting for Him to initiate something, so that I could respond to Him. So that my heart could respond to His, so that I would begin to draw toward Him and He would draw near to me. I had yearned to draw near to the Lord, having certain unexpected times my heart would just long and I would cry to the Lord for hours. I would long to be with the Lord and ask for His presence. But then life would call my name. My alarm would go off. I would get up and go about my day like normal, hanging onto the hope that someday soon I would see Him. When I could stop being so busy or something. When I could leave for missouri in march, when I wouldn't have a job to take me away from Him.
I always felt that I could love Him more if I just could sit at His feet all day long and all into the night. I felt that I wasn't loving Him strong enough, that I could do better. That if only I just didn't have to work. If only I didn't have this job that take up so much of my time. That I could just love him. "ALL I WANT TO DO IS BE WITH GOD AND I CAN'T! I HAVE TO WAKE UP AND GO TO WORK WHEN ALL I WANT IS TO LOVE GOD TODAY!" I would get so frustrated.
And then He broke down all the barriers. He came to me. He told me He loves my purity and he sees my heart, and he knows the longing I have for him. And that same night when He awakened me, I got a picture of what was happening. We were almost home, driving down park avenue, and I looked up into the sky, and then I noticed a street light. It was off. And as soon as I looked at it, it started to flicker until it came on. It looked to me as if it had been asleep, so to speak, and then, just like that, it wakes up. It lights up again. It comes back to life. And God told me that's what He was doing to me.
Then sunday night after church, I was on my way home, and I pulled up to a stop sign and just immediately started pouring out my heart to him, like I couldn't even stop it, it just welled up and finally had to surface. I just relayed everything to Him. And after I was done, He came again. His presence filled my heart. I went home and He was still resting on me. He put on my heart to fast 3 days, eating only fruits & vegetables. He said this would empty me so that I would be an open and receptive vessel to hold His glory.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
My mind is blank......
What to say????
What did God show me yesterday?
That He will continue to pull and tug on my heart until he has it all. He won't relent until he has all of me.
You know a few days ago I got really mad. I told God "Well, if you really wanted me as much as you say you do, then you would be pursuing me and coming after me. Obviously you don't want me that much, because you're not even pursuing me at all."
And you know what He said? The exact same thing to me. "Obviously you don't want me as much as you say you do, because you're not pursuing me at all, you're not coming after me."
I was totally floored. I was looking in the mirror putting on makeup when this was going on. And when God said that I stopped and put the brush down and just stared at myself in the mirror speechless. IT REALLY IS ....A RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES TWO PEOPLE, NOT ONE. If a relationship consists of one person doing everything, its not a relationship.
I was driving around when the sun was going down and the sky was orangey-pink and purple, and then it got dark and the moon came out, and I went to the river, and it was so sparkly on the water. It was so gorgeous. And while I was sitting on the dock this cool breeze was blowing on my face and through my hair and He reminded me of how indescribable and uncomparable he is. And my heart started breaking because of every time I choose something less than....when I could have HIM...
What did God show me yesterday?
That He will continue to pull and tug on my heart until he has it all. He won't relent until he has all of me.
You know a few days ago I got really mad. I told God "Well, if you really wanted me as much as you say you do, then you would be pursuing me and coming after me. Obviously you don't want me that much, because you're not even pursuing me at all."
And you know what He said? The exact same thing to me. "Obviously you don't want me as much as you say you do, because you're not pursuing me at all, you're not coming after me."
I was totally floored. I was looking in the mirror putting on makeup when this was going on. And when God said that I stopped and put the brush down and just stared at myself in the mirror speechless. IT REALLY IS ....A RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES TWO PEOPLE, NOT ONE. If a relationship consists of one person doing everything, its not a relationship.
I was driving around when the sun was going down and the sky was orangey-pink and purple, and then it got dark and the moon came out, and I went to the river, and it was so sparkly on the water. It was so gorgeous. And while I was sitting on the dock this cool breeze was blowing on my face and through my hair and He reminded me of how indescribable and uncomparable he is. And my heart started breaking because of every time I choose something less than....when I could have HIM...
Saturday, October 24, 2009
its all about to change......
Now more than ever I feel my heart shifting into what is next.....I know that this full and abundant time will not last forever. I dont know how much longer my life is going to be so full and rich and happy and full of life. I know what He has called me to. Its an entire 180degree turn from the path I wanted for myself. He told me it is going to be filled with LIFE, if I take this way. But do you know....I used to think differently about what "full of life" meant. I used to think that if my life was "full of life" it would be happy, joyful, rich in blessings all the time. No. I was missing the point. When God told me full of life He meant something else. He meant HIS way of life. "Whoever seeks to save his life will lose it, ...whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.." He meant OH SO SWEET and also OH SO HARD. You see, I don't think you can have just one without the other. If you have one without the other, then life really isn't all that great. It's drinking from the cup of blessing AND the cup of suffering that makes it all worth it.
How can suffering make it all worth it? For me there is only one way to have anything to present to God at the end of it all. Its if I walked through EVERYTHING, as much as I could like Jesus. Let me tell you the way Jesus lived was DEFINITELY not always sweet and blessed and prosperous. But the thing is , he knew his mission and he knew his calling. He did not go through life dreading it, but rather he longed for it, because "he knew that it was his calling and purpose in life as a man at that time. To betrothe a fallen harlot back to himself." [audra lynn]
I just think to myself, how can I know what He has asked of me (the same as him) and know the destiny that He has placed on my life, and choose not to go that way? How can I see his love for me, and then hear his calling for me, and choose something else? I can't even imagine doing that, or what my life would be like if I did.
You know what I just told God one night "You know I don't CARE if I ever write a book or make a cd or live here in america in abundance. Go ahead God take that from me. Take as many of my dreams as you want from me. If I NEVER get to make the cd that ive always wanted to do, its ok. If I never get to dance again, its ok. If my life never turns out the way I pictured it in my little cinderella dreams as a little girl, its ok. God you can have all of me. I AM THE OFFERING. I dont want to give you just my money, or just my worship, or just my compassionate heart, I WANT TO GIVE YOU ME. I'M the offering. You gave YOU as an offering, so I want to give me. You didnt come here and give me money. You didnt come to earth and give me blessings, or a good life, or any of that. You came here and gave me ALL OF YOU as an offering. You are the example of what I have to do. My life isn't even mine to give up. Its always belonged to you.
All I know to do is just give him everything. Thats all I know to do. Thats just where my heart belongs. My heart thrives in the laying down and letting go and emptying.
I so look forward to the path that He wants to take me on, instead of my own. When I talk to people I grew up with and havent talked to in a while, and I tell them about what I'm doing, and theyre just like "Wow, i never would have guessed that," or "I never saw that coming" .....And I'm just like "I know, me neither."
I never dreamed that all my dreams would not come true, but instead there was a whole other set of dreams for me that I dont yet know, and I never dreamed that I would be so excited to give mine up and exchange them.
Its like, every time I sit down again to a huge meal, I think of those dears who havent ever got to do that. Every time I put on a cd, or open up a notebook, or even send a text message, i think of those who dont even know what its like to own , even a book. Or a blanket. Every time I drive around, I think of those who have to walk everywhere. Every time I'm at church, I think of those who stay at theirs for hours and hours, because there's not anywhere else they have to go after. There's nowhere even TO go. They have nothing else to do. They don't have anything.
Even just HEARING about the poorest of the poor, it makes me think Im missing something. Theres something about the heart of the poor "that God responds to" [heidi baker] ....They dont know anything about our way of life. If they saw even a small FRACTION, they would be overwhelmed. All they know is that they are in need and if God doesn't come, they will die. Thats how I want to live. Im not saying Im wishing to be poor. Im not saying I want to go forsake america and go live in africa in a tent made out of a sheet. I just want my heart to be in its rightful place. And if it takes going to africa for God to do that, then heck put me on a plane right now. I'm missing something. I have too much. I dont know what its like to be in need, really in need. I'm too rich. [And I'm not even rich] I just want God to sift through my heart until there's nothing in there that is AT ALL of ME. Until I KNOW THAT I NEED HIM.
I need God just like the man who doesnt own a pair of shoes needs him.
I need God just as much as the hopeless hooker that I see almost every day when I drive home.
I need God just as much as the anciently old beggar in haiti who came up to me and held out her wrinkly, old, weathered hand and looked up at me with tiny slitted eyes.
I need God just like the little kid with a life-sucking disease needs him.
I'M NOT GOING TO PUSH GOD AWAY JUST BECAUSE I HAVE EVERYTHING I COULD EVER WANT RIGHT AT MY FINGERTIPS. I NEED HIM SO MUCH! I NEED GOD!
I just want the whole world to see that WE ARE ALL DESPERATELY IN NEED OF GOD. But most won't ever see that. There's no room for God. Because everything else is here. There's no capacity for God, because everything else takes up all the space. Theres no need for God, because we're rich. We don't NEED anything. We have everything we could ever want.
It makes me so sad. I cant hardly even turn on the tv anymore without the thoughts of those dear people who KNOW they need God running over and over through my brain. I can hardly get mad when some other driver cuts me off without this tug on my heart that says "Don't miss the point.....you are a human being in desperate need of God....what makes you think you deserve anything?"
I know God has been calling me to go to poor nations since Ive been old enough to grasp why He wants me there. Hes been putting nations on my heart since I was 17. But now it seems my whole reason for even going has changed. I dont even want to go because I will get to see helpless people helped, or needy people's needs met, or that I will get to give and feed and heal people who need it. Now I just want to go so that I will be emptied. Emptied of my stubborn selfish heart-motives. Emptied of this little attitude that says "I dont need God right now because I have this. But when this is gone I will go pray because I'll need him" I WANT TO BE WITH THE POOR SO IT MAKES ME SEE HOW POOR I AM. I WANT TO SEE MYSELF AND MY DESPERATION IN THESE PEOPLE.
The truth is, we are all needy. ....Who knows what could happen? What if tomorrow a disaster happened and we lost everything? What if we couldnt just drive to starbucks when we're craving this or that? What if we couldnt just go to the doctor because this or that hurts or we have this problem? What if an army of muslim extremists invaded our country and started war here in our streets and our cities? What if our planet got out of its orbit? WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAPPEN, ANY DAY!
THE POINT IS THAT WE CANT BECOME HARD-HEARTED. WE CAN'T MISS THE POINT. WE CAN'T BE BLIND ANYMORE TO OUR NEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just feel like everything is about to change. For me, or for everyone. I dont know. But what I do know is that I can no longer live in all this blessing and miss the whole point of everything. If I can live in prosperity and still acknowledge and act on my desperate need for God then ok, I'll stay. But if I live in abundance, and become stiff necked and independant, I DONT WANT TO STAY HERE!
........just where my heart's at..To be continued... sometime, ...maybe..?
How can suffering make it all worth it? For me there is only one way to have anything to present to God at the end of it all. Its if I walked through EVERYTHING, as much as I could like Jesus. Let me tell you the way Jesus lived was DEFINITELY not always sweet and blessed and prosperous. But the thing is , he knew his mission and he knew his calling. He did not go through life dreading it, but rather he longed for it, because "he knew that it was his calling and purpose in life as a man at that time. To betrothe a fallen harlot back to himself." [audra lynn]
I just think to myself, how can I know what He has asked of me (the same as him) and know the destiny that He has placed on my life, and choose not to go that way? How can I see his love for me, and then hear his calling for me, and choose something else? I can't even imagine doing that, or what my life would be like if I did.
You know what I just told God one night "You know I don't CARE if I ever write a book or make a cd or live here in america in abundance. Go ahead God take that from me. Take as many of my dreams as you want from me. If I NEVER get to make the cd that ive always wanted to do, its ok. If I never get to dance again, its ok. If my life never turns out the way I pictured it in my little cinderella dreams as a little girl, its ok. God you can have all of me. I AM THE OFFERING. I dont want to give you just my money, or just my worship, or just my compassionate heart, I WANT TO GIVE YOU ME. I'M the offering. You gave YOU as an offering, so I want to give me. You didnt come here and give me money. You didnt come to earth and give me blessings, or a good life, or any of that. You came here and gave me ALL OF YOU as an offering. You are the example of what I have to do. My life isn't even mine to give up. Its always belonged to you.
All I know to do is just give him everything. Thats all I know to do. Thats just where my heart belongs. My heart thrives in the laying down and letting go and emptying.
I so look forward to the path that He wants to take me on, instead of my own. When I talk to people I grew up with and havent talked to in a while, and I tell them about what I'm doing, and theyre just like "Wow, i never would have guessed that," or "I never saw that coming" .....And I'm just like "I know, me neither."
I never dreamed that all my dreams would not come true, but instead there was a whole other set of dreams for me that I dont yet know, and I never dreamed that I would be so excited to give mine up and exchange them.
Its like, every time I sit down again to a huge meal, I think of those dears who havent ever got to do that. Every time I put on a cd, or open up a notebook, or even send a text message, i think of those who dont even know what its like to own , even a book. Or a blanket. Every time I drive around, I think of those who have to walk everywhere. Every time I'm at church, I think of those who stay at theirs for hours and hours, because there's not anywhere else they have to go after. There's nowhere even TO go. They have nothing else to do. They don't have anything.
Even just HEARING about the poorest of the poor, it makes me think Im missing something. Theres something about the heart of the poor "that God responds to" [heidi baker] ....They dont know anything about our way of life. If they saw even a small FRACTION, they would be overwhelmed. All they know is that they are in need and if God doesn't come, they will die. Thats how I want to live. Im not saying Im wishing to be poor. Im not saying I want to go forsake america and go live in africa in a tent made out of a sheet. I just want my heart to be in its rightful place. And if it takes going to africa for God to do that, then heck put me on a plane right now. I'm missing something. I have too much. I dont know what its like to be in need, really in need. I'm too rich. [And I'm not even rich] I just want God to sift through my heart until there's nothing in there that is AT ALL of ME. Until I KNOW THAT I NEED HIM.
I need God just like the man who doesnt own a pair of shoes needs him.
I need God just as much as the hopeless hooker that I see almost every day when I drive home.
I need God just as much as the anciently old beggar in haiti who came up to me and held out her wrinkly, old, weathered hand and looked up at me with tiny slitted eyes.
I need God just like the little kid with a life-sucking disease needs him.
I'M NOT GOING TO PUSH GOD AWAY JUST BECAUSE I HAVE EVERYTHING I COULD EVER WANT RIGHT AT MY FINGERTIPS. I NEED HIM SO MUCH! I NEED GOD!
I just want the whole world to see that WE ARE ALL DESPERATELY IN NEED OF GOD. But most won't ever see that. There's no room for God. Because everything else is here. There's no capacity for God, because everything else takes up all the space. Theres no need for God, because we're rich. We don't NEED anything. We have everything we could ever want.
It makes me so sad. I cant hardly even turn on the tv anymore without the thoughts of those dear people who KNOW they need God running over and over through my brain. I can hardly get mad when some other driver cuts me off without this tug on my heart that says "Don't miss the point.....you are a human being in desperate need of God....what makes you think you deserve anything?"
I know God has been calling me to go to poor nations since Ive been old enough to grasp why He wants me there. Hes been putting nations on my heart since I was 17. But now it seems my whole reason for even going has changed. I dont even want to go because I will get to see helpless people helped, or needy people's needs met, or that I will get to give and feed and heal people who need it. Now I just want to go so that I will be emptied. Emptied of my stubborn selfish heart-motives. Emptied of this little attitude that says "I dont need God right now because I have this. But when this is gone I will go pray because I'll need him" I WANT TO BE WITH THE POOR SO IT MAKES ME SEE HOW POOR I AM. I WANT TO SEE MYSELF AND MY DESPERATION IN THESE PEOPLE.
The truth is, we are all needy. ....Who knows what could happen? What if tomorrow a disaster happened and we lost everything? What if we couldnt just drive to starbucks when we're craving this or that? What if we couldnt just go to the doctor because this or that hurts or we have this problem? What if an army of muslim extremists invaded our country and started war here in our streets and our cities? What if our planet got out of its orbit? WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAPPEN, ANY DAY!
THE POINT IS THAT WE CANT BECOME HARD-HEARTED. WE CAN'T MISS THE POINT. WE CAN'T BE BLIND ANYMORE TO OUR NEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just feel like everything is about to change. For me, or for everyone. I dont know. But what I do know is that I can no longer live in all this blessing and miss the whole point of everything. If I can live in prosperity and still acknowledge and act on my desperate need for God then ok, I'll stay. But if I live in abundance, and become stiff necked and independant, I DONT WANT TO STAY HERE!
........just where my heart's at..To be continued... sometime, ...maybe..?
Monday, October 5, 2009
october 5 09 where my heart is
He still pursues me even when I don't respond to Him.
When my heart is pulled in so many different directions, with so many things vying for my attention, affection. Even when my affections are not on Him, and my gaze is not on him. He still pursues me.
And I always complain that "I'm not hearing anything from God! He won't talk to me, He doesn't show up, I can't feel His presence," etc. etc. etc.
How can I expect someone to do any of those things when I ignore them? When I don't act like I want to be with them or hear from them? "I;m not hearing anything from God!" Well, am I posturing myself to hear anything? Am I preparing my heart for something He might say? Am I pursuing His voice, or His words? He might have a lot He wants to say to me or talk to me about. But do I even give him enough time? Or enough room? Is there any room in my heart to hold the things of God? Or is the space in my heart already occupied and taken up by the many things I must do or think about or dwell upon or analyze? HOW MUCH ROOM IS THERE FOR GOD TO SPEAK TO ME, TO BE WITH ME? HOW MUCH CAPACITY IS THERE IN MY LIFE FOR GOD?
He will only come if there's room for Him, IF I DESIRE HIM, IF I PURUSE HIM. Yes, sometimes He will choose to pour out his spirit on anything and everything and even if you are in the way you will get it, because nothing gets in the way of God. But He longs to be DESIRED by us. He wants us to WANT him.Its so simple, RELATIONSHIP.
He already loved us before we even loved him back, and he already died for us when we were still sinners. But now that we know that, wouldn't it be natural for us to LOVE HIM? For us to desire closeness with him?
When my heart is tugged at by the daily things I have to face, my job, my responsibilites, errands, my "to-do list", etc. , is His tugging stronger? Which one do I respond to? It is usually all the other things.
He whispers things to me every day because I don't have the time, room or capacity to listen to him actually talk or pour out his heart to me. He nudges me every day because I don't want to be bothered with an interruption in my day, because it might ruin my plans. THE POINT IS THAT HE STILL PURSUES. HE DOES NOT IGNORE ME, EVEN THOUGH I IGNORE HIM.
He is waiting, longing for me to be with him, for no other reason or agenda than companionship, that he wants a best friend.
He is also holy. He is not going to sit around and wait for me to get it together and finally come trudging in to him at the end of the day exhausted. If I am not open, receptive, or willing, or if I don't respond to his pursuit, then he will find someone else to pour his spirit on. He will find someone else that he can trust with his heart and with his work. If I don't want it, you better believe there is someone else who does. There is some willing, open vessel that is crying "USE ME, GOD! SEND ME, GOD! POUR OUT YOUR SPIRIT ON ME! COME BE WITH ME! I WANT TO PARTNER WITH YOU!"
He will take anyone that wants it, it's not an elite club. But you cannot be divided. That's one thing I 've learned.
THE ONE NECCESSITY OR QUALIFICATION IS - AN UNDIVIDED HEART <3
"I will give them an undivided heart, I will put a new spirit within them, I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh."
That has been my heart's cry for the past month or so. "GOD, GIVE ME AN UNDIVIDED HEART! LET ALL MY AFFECTIONS BE ON YOU ALONE! LET ALL MY ATTENTION BE ON YOU! LET MY GAZE BE FOCUSED ON YOU, LET IT NOT TURN AWAY FROM YOUR FACE, YOUR EYES!"
I just want more of Him. I want to use this time in my life that I will never get back, this precious time when I can be completely and utterly abandoned because I don't have other people to divide my heart or people to take care of, (like my husband or my kids) I want to not waste any of this time. I want to as consecrated as possible. I want as much of Him as I can possibly hold !!!!! I want to contain as much of God as I can even contain at this point, as small of a vessel as I am, I WANT HIM TO FILL ME! Fill me to the brim, til Im overflowing.
That's what I want. I dont WANT anything else. Nothing else appeals to me right now. I ONLY WANT HIM! MY HEART CRIES OUT FOR HIM, MY SOUL IS LONGING FOR HIM
I want to take my passion, put it in a bottle just to break it at Your feet. I want to take my affections, put them in a bottle, just to waste it at You feet.
"My soul longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. AND MY SOUL LONGS FOR YOU IN A LUSH AND WEALTHY LAND WHERE THERE IS WATER, I DONT' WANT THAT WATER, I WANT YOU I ONLY WANT YOU!" [ps. 63:1]
When my heart is pulled in so many different directions, with so many things vying for my attention, affection. Even when my affections are not on Him, and my gaze is not on him. He still pursues me.
And I always complain that "I'm not hearing anything from God! He won't talk to me, He doesn't show up, I can't feel His presence," etc. etc. etc.
How can I expect someone to do any of those things when I ignore them? When I don't act like I want to be with them or hear from them? "I;m not hearing anything from God!" Well, am I posturing myself to hear anything? Am I preparing my heart for something He might say? Am I pursuing His voice, or His words? He might have a lot He wants to say to me or talk to me about. But do I even give him enough time? Or enough room? Is there any room in my heart to hold the things of God? Or is the space in my heart already occupied and taken up by the many things I must do or think about or dwell upon or analyze? HOW MUCH ROOM IS THERE FOR GOD TO SPEAK TO ME, TO BE WITH ME? HOW MUCH CAPACITY IS THERE IN MY LIFE FOR GOD?
He will only come if there's room for Him, IF I DESIRE HIM, IF I PURUSE HIM. Yes, sometimes He will choose to pour out his spirit on anything and everything and even if you are in the way you will get it, because nothing gets in the way of God. But He longs to be DESIRED by us. He wants us to WANT him.Its so simple, RELATIONSHIP.
He already loved us before we even loved him back, and he already died for us when we were still sinners. But now that we know that, wouldn't it be natural for us to LOVE HIM? For us to desire closeness with him?
When my heart is tugged at by the daily things I have to face, my job, my responsibilites, errands, my "to-do list", etc. , is His tugging stronger? Which one do I respond to? It is usually all the other things.
He whispers things to me every day because I don't have the time, room or capacity to listen to him actually talk or pour out his heart to me. He nudges me every day because I don't want to be bothered with an interruption in my day, because it might ruin my plans. THE POINT IS THAT HE STILL PURSUES. HE DOES NOT IGNORE ME, EVEN THOUGH I IGNORE HIM.
He is waiting, longing for me to be with him, for no other reason or agenda than companionship, that he wants a best friend.
He is also holy. He is not going to sit around and wait for me to get it together and finally come trudging in to him at the end of the day exhausted. If I am not open, receptive, or willing, or if I don't respond to his pursuit, then he will find someone else to pour his spirit on. He will find someone else that he can trust with his heart and with his work. If I don't want it, you better believe there is someone else who does. There is some willing, open vessel that is crying "USE ME, GOD! SEND ME, GOD! POUR OUT YOUR SPIRIT ON ME! COME BE WITH ME! I WANT TO PARTNER WITH YOU!"
He will take anyone that wants it, it's not an elite club. But you cannot be divided. That's one thing I 've learned.
THE ONE NECCESSITY OR QUALIFICATION IS - AN UNDIVIDED HEART <3
"I will give them an undivided heart, I will put a new spirit within them, I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh."
That has been my heart's cry for the past month or so. "GOD, GIVE ME AN UNDIVIDED HEART! LET ALL MY AFFECTIONS BE ON YOU ALONE! LET ALL MY ATTENTION BE ON YOU! LET MY GAZE BE FOCUSED ON YOU, LET IT NOT TURN AWAY FROM YOUR FACE, YOUR EYES!"
I just want more of Him. I want to use this time in my life that I will never get back, this precious time when I can be completely and utterly abandoned because I don't have other people to divide my heart or people to take care of, (like my husband or my kids) I want to not waste any of this time. I want to as consecrated as possible. I want as much of Him as I can possibly hold !!!!! I want to contain as much of God as I can even contain at this point, as small of a vessel as I am, I WANT HIM TO FILL ME! Fill me to the brim, til Im overflowing.
That's what I want. I dont WANT anything else. Nothing else appeals to me right now. I ONLY WANT HIM! MY HEART CRIES OUT FOR HIM, MY SOUL IS LONGING FOR HIM
I want to take my passion, put it in a bottle just to break it at Your feet. I want to take my affections, put them in a bottle, just to waste it at You feet.
"My soul longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. AND MY SOUL LONGS FOR YOU IN A LUSH AND WEALTHY LAND WHERE THERE IS WATER, I DONT' WANT THAT WATER, I WANT YOU I ONLY WANT YOU!" [ps. 63:1]
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
THE WORD
When I need joy
When I need to be reminded of God's faithfulness
When I need comfort / peace
When I need to know it's going to be worth it
When I need guidance / counsel / direction
When I need hope
When I need encouragement / something to keep me pressing on
When I want to know about God / His characteristics / what He is like
When I want to be like Jesus / learning about what He is like / the life of Christ
When I want to know what He saved me from
When I need to realize it's not about me
I am going to fill up a notebook with pages of verses - all referencing these specific things - so that I will KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW that I have a sharp sword. I want to get the Word in me and deep down in my heart so that it will start to take effect and give light to my eyes and heart and happiness and energy to my spirit. I want to KNOW the word of God. I want to know GOD.
When I need to be reminded of God's faithfulness
When I need comfort / peace
When I need to know it's going to be worth it
When I need guidance / counsel / direction
When I need hope
When I need encouragement / something to keep me pressing on
When I want to know about God / His characteristics / what He is like
When I want to be like Jesus / learning about what He is like / the life of Christ
When I want to know what He saved me from
When I need to realize it's not about me
I am going to fill up a notebook with pages of verses - all referencing these specific things - so that I will KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW that I have a sharp sword. I want to get the Word in me and deep down in my heart so that it will start to take effect and give light to my eyes and heart and happiness and energy to my spirit. I want to KNOW the word of God. I want to know GOD.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Dear :)
Hi. So..... I wanted to write you a letter. I just wanted to tell you some stuff.
One I miss you so much. I hate that we have to be apart for a time. But I know that it will be worth it when we are finally together. It's hard to wait and so hard when I think about you since I know I can't see you right now. But I remember that I WILL SEE YOU SOON. It's SO HARD when I know you are the one for me. And I know that we are supposed to be together..and right now we're not. But I won't worry and I won't fret because I KNOW WILL BE. I will see your beloved face. I WILL! I Know.
Two, besides the fact that I miss you SO MUCH.........I think about you ALL THE TIME. I just wish I could see your face you know? And look into your eyes again. I think about the beautiful, romantic times we spent together. All the times you looked at me and I looked at you and then we started dancing. And all the times I went out to lay on the grass with a blanket and you met me there. And everytime we gave so much to each other and we were so happy to be with eachother and then all the times we were just together and didn't even say a word to eachother but we were just content to be hangin in each other's presence. I think about all of our memories. All the places we've gone together. I remember the first time you took me on a road trip to north carolina and there you romanced me in a way few people have known. I think that week we had something extra special and amazing. That was one of my favorite times in all my life. It was the first time I realized...wow I think I'm in love.
And then when you took me to washington DC and we prayed together for America and we cried together and then at the end you pointed to the sky and showed me all those brilliant stars, and then we had the BEST drive home together on that bus with those other people, listening to Light of Your Face, and looking up at the full moon, and knowing that we had partnered together that day. I was full of wonder the whole trip, and you seemed delighted to see that. You delighted in me.
And then when we went to Tennessee together in the mountains and the whole time you kept finding amazing ways to tell me you loved me. Like, romantic, like REALLY ROMANTIC ways..you would take me deep into the mountains and on hikes in the woods and we laughed so hard with all of our friends, and we sang late into the night around those campfires, and then that one day you really wanted to amaze me and you took me on that hike to that waterfall and on the way back IT POURED SOOOOO HARD AND WE JUST HAD THE BEST MOMENT EVER!~!!!!!!!! I know that was one of the best moments of my entire life. W e were hiking through in that downpour, absolutely soaking wet, and laughing and jumping in the puddles and it was just INCREDIBLE to me. I HAD SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!
And all the little trips in between the years we've known eachother..like that one time we went to North Carolina and that time we went to Alabama, those times on the road are some of the best we've had..listening to our music, singing and worshiping together, and looking at the amazing scenery.........and me being amazed of course, and you just delighting to take me along on this journey and being so happy that I am so happy and WOWOWOWOWOW I CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING WE'VE DONE TOGETHER!!!!
And then..you invited me to Haiti with you. WOW that was amazing. I couldn't believe you wanted ME to go. We had an amazing time. And our relationship was so much stronger after that trip. We loved on people together, we sang songs together, we laughed with the mission teams and walked around, me in awe and full of wonder once again, and you so happy to show me all that you knew would amaze me. YOu couldn't wait to show me everything. And you were so gentle to me on that trip, you dealt with me so kindly and you took care of me and took care of my heart. And when we got home I felt restored because of all the stuff I had gone through in the months leading up to the trip. YOu were so kind to me and so loving. I remember being so happy and amazed that you loved me so much.
And all the different conferences where I went and you just showed up there....all those times were ao awesome most of the times I wasn't even expecting to see you there and YOU WERE THERE....and then I just started to expect you to be there because you LOVE ME..but I remember some times when i really wanted to see you and I didn't because you never came, and then there were some times that you were there but you didn't talk to me. And those were the times that made me so sad..but probably you were waiting for me to talk to you first. But I didn't. Yeah I don't know.......I know you knew I was there and you were probably just waiting for me to come and talk to you first..sometimes I just get shy and I want to hide. But I knew you loved me the whole time, so i don't really know why it made me sad, but it just pains my heart to not be with you especially if you are THERE in the room or the building or whatever.
But I remember so many times just running into you when I TOTALLY did not expect to, like at the store, and you just surprised me, and like at church those times when I was just at the altar crying and then you just came up again and wrapped your arms around me and met me there and loved me........
YOU ARE SO ROMANTIC I HAVE NEVER SEEN A RELATIONSHIP LIKE THIS IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you I can't wait to see all the great adventures we will have together I could not LIVE WITHOUT YOU!!! You are everything to me, you are my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know we won't be seperated forever. We will be together soon don't worry!!!! I can't wait! As soon as i see you again I will RUN to you and jump into your arms!!!
I JUST WANT TO BE WITH YOU SO BAD!!!!!!!
Oh and let me know what you want me to do next, I'll do whatever you want I will just plan my schedule around when you want me to and stuff. Just let me know. I hope your heart is free and not troubled or bogged down in any way and I hope you ARE REJOICING about all that is to come!
Tell me when you want me to come see you. I can come for 3 months. Then I could come again. Lauren's wedding is coming up soon and I am her maid of honor so I need to be with her but it's ok if I leave for 3 months if we get alot of planning in these 2 months before I leave (if you want me to come in sept.) and then we can really get down to business and get the whip crackin after I get back before the wedding. But i would rather be with you even more than I want to do this wedding. I know I will still get to do it. But I REALLY WANT TO SEE YOU. So let me know.......I WANT TO COME SO BAD AND SEE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE YOU more than anything in the world! <3
One I miss you so much. I hate that we have to be apart for a time. But I know that it will be worth it when we are finally together. It's hard to wait and so hard when I think about you since I know I can't see you right now. But I remember that I WILL SEE YOU SOON. It's SO HARD when I know you are the one for me. And I know that we are supposed to be together..and right now we're not. But I won't worry and I won't fret because I KNOW WILL BE. I will see your beloved face. I WILL! I Know.
Two, besides the fact that I miss you SO MUCH.........I think about you ALL THE TIME. I just wish I could see your face you know? And look into your eyes again. I think about the beautiful, romantic times we spent together. All the times you looked at me and I looked at you and then we started dancing. And all the times I went out to lay on the grass with a blanket and you met me there. And everytime we gave so much to each other and we were so happy to be with eachother and then all the times we were just together and didn't even say a word to eachother but we were just content to be hangin in each other's presence. I think about all of our memories. All the places we've gone together. I remember the first time you took me on a road trip to north carolina and there you romanced me in a way few people have known. I think that week we had something extra special and amazing. That was one of my favorite times in all my life. It was the first time I realized...wow I think I'm in love.
And then when you took me to washington DC and we prayed together for America and we cried together and then at the end you pointed to the sky and showed me all those brilliant stars, and then we had the BEST drive home together on that bus with those other people, listening to Light of Your Face, and looking up at the full moon, and knowing that we had partnered together that day. I was full of wonder the whole trip, and you seemed delighted to see that. You delighted in me.
And then when we went to Tennessee together in the mountains and the whole time you kept finding amazing ways to tell me you loved me. Like, romantic, like REALLY ROMANTIC ways..you would take me deep into the mountains and on hikes in the woods and we laughed so hard with all of our friends, and we sang late into the night around those campfires, and then that one day you really wanted to amaze me and you took me on that hike to that waterfall and on the way back IT POURED SOOOOO HARD AND WE JUST HAD THE BEST MOMENT EVER!~!!!!!!!! I know that was one of the best moments of my entire life. W e were hiking through in that downpour, absolutely soaking wet, and laughing and jumping in the puddles and it was just INCREDIBLE to me. I HAD SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!
And all the little trips in between the years we've known eachother..like that one time we went to North Carolina and that time we went to Alabama, those times on the road are some of the best we've had..listening to our music, singing and worshiping together, and looking at the amazing scenery.........and me being amazed of course, and you just delighting to take me along on this journey and being so happy that I am so happy and WOWOWOWOWOW I CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING WE'VE DONE TOGETHER!!!!
And then..you invited me to Haiti with you. WOW that was amazing. I couldn't believe you wanted ME to go. We had an amazing time. And our relationship was so much stronger after that trip. We loved on people together, we sang songs together, we laughed with the mission teams and walked around, me in awe and full of wonder once again, and you so happy to show me all that you knew would amaze me. YOu couldn't wait to show me everything. And you were so gentle to me on that trip, you dealt with me so kindly and you took care of me and took care of my heart. And when we got home I felt restored because of all the stuff I had gone through in the months leading up to the trip. YOu were so kind to me and so loving. I remember being so happy and amazed that you loved me so much.
And all the different conferences where I went and you just showed up there....all those times were ao awesome most of the times I wasn't even expecting to see you there and YOU WERE THERE....and then I just started to expect you to be there because you LOVE ME..but I remember some times when i really wanted to see you and I didn't because you never came, and then there were some times that you were there but you didn't talk to me. And those were the times that made me so sad..but probably you were waiting for me to talk to you first. But I didn't. Yeah I don't know.......I know you knew I was there and you were probably just waiting for me to come and talk to you first..sometimes I just get shy and I want to hide. But I knew you loved me the whole time, so i don't really know why it made me sad, but it just pains my heart to not be with you especially if you are THERE in the room or the building or whatever.
But I remember so many times just running into you when I TOTALLY did not expect to, like at the store, and you just surprised me, and like at church those times when I was just at the altar crying and then you just came up again and wrapped your arms around me and met me there and loved me........
YOU ARE SO ROMANTIC I HAVE NEVER SEEN A RELATIONSHIP LIKE THIS IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you I can't wait to see all the great adventures we will have together I could not LIVE WITHOUT YOU!!! You are everything to me, you are my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know we won't be seperated forever. We will be together soon don't worry!!!! I can't wait! As soon as i see you again I will RUN to you and jump into your arms!!!
I JUST WANT TO BE WITH YOU SO BAD!!!!!!!
Oh and let me know what you want me to do next, I'll do whatever you want I will just plan my schedule around when you want me to and stuff. Just let me know. I hope your heart is free and not troubled or bogged down in any way and I hope you ARE REJOICING about all that is to come!
Tell me when you want me to come see you. I can come for 3 months. Then I could come again. Lauren's wedding is coming up soon and I am her maid of honor so I need to be with her but it's ok if I leave for 3 months if we get alot of planning in these 2 months before I leave (if you want me to come in sept.) and then we can really get down to business and get the whip crackin after I get back before the wedding. But i would rather be with you even more than I want to do this wedding. I know I will still get to do it. But I REALLY WANT TO SEE YOU. So let me know.......I WANT TO COME SO BAD AND SEE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE YOU more than anything in the world! <3
Friday, June 26, 2009
How big is God?
I think I had a revelation of just how small my little tiny life in my little tiny corner of my tiny world is.
I think about the millions of generations that have come and gone and come and gone before me....and I think about the ones that will follow...and then I think about God. I think of HIm just watching these generations and generations of millions of people walk the earth. What does He see? What can this look like???? I think of all the babies being born, all the children running around, all the students in school, all the graduations, weddings, birthdays, funerals, all of these events centered around LIFE, human life, that is so fragile......all of them celebrating life or a life lived..and I think ..God is just watching all of this, and He is still God..He has been since before time began, and is now, and is going to be forever..and then I think about that, and how crazy it must be....my gosh it blows my mind. It is absolutely mind blowing to me.
How I am here in my little tiny sphere of life, in this small town, in this county, state, country, continent, world, and then there are billions of other "tiny lives" ....and then...there are millions of other lives..not even human, I mean creatures, animals...millions of them, and then, there is nature, I mean, huge mountains, oceans, canyons, glaciers, ice bergs, hills, trees, forests, rivers, lakes, plains, sky, flowers, plants, rocks, stones, etc. etc. etc., and that's just the earth. Then there are the cosoms. The galaxies. Space that man has never and will never go. I wonder how many galaxies there are. I wonder just how big it actually is.
When I think about all of that.......my life seems so insignificant. It is just one tiny vapor mixed with millions of other tiny vapors (the lives of people on the earth) in this tiny corner of the earth.
When I get upset at something that happens in my life, or some set of circumstances that I don't like, or some heartache that inevitably will come my way, I am just reminded how SMALL of an issue it is. When it seems like it is so bad and I just hate it so much and it is so hard to go through........God taps me on the shoulder and I am left speechless...WOW. My life is so insignificant in light of all this. In light of YOU and who you are, God. And I get a HUGE reality check. Like major reality check.
My life seems to disappear, like vanish, like the fog or the mist, just like it says in James 4:14
"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." and in Isaiah 40 " "All men are like grass,
and all their glory is like the flowers of the field.
7 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
because the breath of the LORD blows on them.
Surely the people are grass.
8 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God stands forever." v.6,7,8
I love it when that happens. When my my perspective is shifted into the right one, the way it should be.
Someday I will know why. Someday I won't have any more questions. Someday I will understand it all. It doesn't make sense to me, how big God is. How big the world is, the earth, and everything else. Eternity doesn't make sense. I can't wrap my mind around any of it no matter how hard I try. But all I really need to know is that God is God. That brings me so much peace, so much HOPE. Someday He and I will see eye to eye. But right now I am confined to this earth, to the bounds of humanity. One day I will be free, my heart will be free, and I will be with Him, and I will know what He knows, and I will understand.
God is so comforting. It is so comforting to rest in His arms and to know that HE KNOWS. HE KNOWS ALL. That HE IS HIGHER than anything and everything else. HE IS BIGGER THAN ANYTHING. HE IS GOD. And I'm on His side. So I have nothing to fear.
I want to be with Him, wherever He is, I want to be involved in what He's doing, I want to find out what He knows about the world and about eternity and everything, even though my small mind can't comprehend all of it. I want to talk with Him and walk with Him and watch what He does. I want to watch Him as He moves and works. I want to be a copycat. I want to be just like my Father.
.........................He rewards those who seek Him WITH ALL THEIR HEART, and those who search Him out.....
I think about the millions of generations that have come and gone and come and gone before me....and I think about the ones that will follow...and then I think about God. I think of HIm just watching these generations and generations of millions of people walk the earth. What does He see? What can this look like???? I think of all the babies being born, all the children running around, all the students in school, all the graduations, weddings, birthdays, funerals, all of these events centered around LIFE, human life, that is so fragile......all of them celebrating life or a life lived..and I think ..God is just watching all of this, and He is still God..He has been since before time began, and is now, and is going to be forever..and then I think about that, and how crazy it must be....my gosh it blows my mind. It is absolutely mind blowing to me.
How I am here in my little tiny sphere of life, in this small town, in this county, state, country, continent, world, and then there are billions of other "tiny lives" ....and then...there are millions of other lives..not even human, I mean creatures, animals...millions of them, and then, there is nature, I mean, huge mountains, oceans, canyons, glaciers, ice bergs, hills, trees, forests, rivers, lakes, plains, sky, flowers, plants, rocks, stones, etc. etc. etc., and that's just the earth. Then there are the cosoms. The galaxies. Space that man has never and will never go. I wonder how many galaxies there are. I wonder just how big it actually is.
When I think about all of that.......my life seems so insignificant. It is just one tiny vapor mixed with millions of other tiny vapors (the lives of people on the earth) in this tiny corner of the earth.
When I get upset at something that happens in my life, or some set of circumstances that I don't like, or some heartache that inevitably will come my way, I am just reminded how SMALL of an issue it is. When it seems like it is so bad and I just hate it so much and it is so hard to go through........God taps me on the shoulder and I am left speechless...WOW. My life is so insignificant in light of all this. In light of YOU and who you are, God. And I get a HUGE reality check. Like major reality check.
My life seems to disappear, like vanish, like the fog or the mist, just like it says in James 4:14
"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." and in Isaiah 40 " "All men are like grass,
and all their glory is like the flowers of the field.
7 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
because the breath of the LORD blows on them.
Surely the people are grass.
8 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God stands forever." v.6,7,8
I love it when that happens. When my my perspective is shifted into the right one, the way it should be.
Someday I will know why. Someday I won't have any more questions. Someday I will understand it all. It doesn't make sense to me, how big God is. How big the world is, the earth, and everything else. Eternity doesn't make sense. I can't wrap my mind around any of it no matter how hard I try. But all I really need to know is that God is God. That brings me so much peace, so much HOPE. Someday He and I will see eye to eye. But right now I am confined to this earth, to the bounds of humanity. One day I will be free, my heart will be free, and I will be with Him, and I will know what He knows, and I will understand.
God is so comforting. It is so comforting to rest in His arms and to know that HE KNOWS. HE KNOWS ALL. That HE IS HIGHER than anything and everything else. HE IS BIGGER THAN ANYTHING. HE IS GOD. And I'm on His side. So I have nothing to fear.
I want to be with Him, wherever He is, I want to be involved in what He's doing, I want to find out what He knows about the world and about eternity and everything, even though my small mind can't comprehend all of it. I want to talk with Him and walk with Him and watch what He does. I want to watch Him as He moves and works. I want to be a copycat. I want to be just like my Father.
.........................He rewards those who seek Him WITH ALL THEIR HEART, and those who search Him out.....
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