I cannot keep my mind from going there. As much as I try to think about things that really don't mean so much in the grand scheme of things, just to distract me or help me “avoid” this massive thing that I KNOW He is calling me to do something about, all of my striving never works. I cannot help but go back to this. My heart is strongly attached ....to His heart, and to this massive calling. Laying in bed at night, I try to not think about it, but it is impossible. Why do I not want to think about it? Why do I try and stop my thoughts from being born?
Perhaps because ........if I think about it, I might be convicted, just a little. I might be pushed. I might be made a bit uncomfortable, knowing that I have not been praying with desperation and have not desired this thing enough. If God puts it on your heart, it is impossible to “sort of” want it, or “kind of” want it, or halfheartedly pray about it. If God puts it on your heart, it is impossible to want it REALLLLLY bad and not do something about it.
No, when God puts it on your heart, it is impossible to ignore. The desiring gets too deep. It pulls and tugs at your heart until you can no longer pretend that it's not there, or you will do something about it later, maybe tomorrow. Because then......tomorrow comes, and you don't do anything about it. And in essence, you slowly lure your heart back to sleep and dull your ears to the leading of His voice. And that is a tragedy.
What is this thing, you ask? What is this thing that is completely impossible to ignore? What is this thing that is absolutely necessary and completely, undeniably missing from our world?
........REVIVAL.........
You may wonder why revival is so absolutely wrenching on the soul. Why is it so painfully, unquenchably strong? Why is it so impossible to ignore?
.......It is like a steady heartbeat, slowly getting faster and faster, and more steady, and louder, until you HAVE GOT to do something about it. If you don't, your heart will explode. It is so strong. That is what this yearning is like. And I have felt it for almost 3 years. I have to say that it is my own fault I have not done much about it. I am the only one to blame. For almost 3 years this burning has been ablaze inside me, but I have tried to ease it down. For what? Am I waiting on something? For the perfect moment? Why have I tried to contain this flame that wants to roar and burst out of this box that I am trying to contain it in?
.........Perhaps it is fear. This fire is absolutely frightening. It is huge, it is new, it is CHANGE. It is SHIFT. It is a completely scary thing. I am not scared of change, but a change this massive is like a complete, 180 degree turn around and I don't know what to expect. Before, during, or after. That is frightening.
But I can't stay away from it. I can't deny it. It just keeps getting stronger and stronger inside of me.
I read stories of past revivals, I read about men like Charles Wesley, and the group of young men in Ireland who had such a strong yearning and undeniable passion heart-cry for nothing less than A MOVE OF GOD, A REVIVAL, that they held a prayer meeting for countless days, refusing sleep and refusing to eat, denying “reality” and the mundane-ness of every day life, in exchange for GOD HIMSELF, and I read these things, and my heart burns within me. It is such a stirring that takes place in my spirit.
I hear about school revivals, where they have to cancel school because GOD CAME and every student in the school was ON THEIR FACE before Him. Where the spirit of God fell and brought such conviction that people ran out of the bars and out of the stores and ran into the churches and stayed for days, unable to get away from the heavy hand of God upon them.
Individual lifestyles, corporate communities and whole cities were changed, and shook entire nations. I hear about the men who cried to the Lord “GOD GIVE ME SOULS OR I DIE!” And who cried for their nations, “GOD GIVE ME SCOTLAND OR GIVE ME DEATH!” And one man who was in such deep, gut-wrenching, anguish of the soul while praying that it actually affected his physical heart, doctors found that his hear had moved from the side of his chest to the middle.
I hear about these things, and I wonder why can't I see them in my day and time? Habakkuk's prayer is now becoming mine : “LORD, I have heard of your fame; I stand in awe of your deeds, O LORD. Renew them in our day, in our time make them known; in wrath remember mercy.” [Hk. 3:2]
I know that I don't desire it strong enough to see it fully manifested right now. But I am believing that He will make me so desperate for revival and for His move, that it will start to knock and pound on heaven's door and soon unlock heaven and rain down. God answers desperate prayers. He answers genuine cries for His presence. He comes to the needy and the ones in deep inner anguish and turmoil. GOD ANSWERS THE DESPERATE.
I am not yet desperate enough. I know this because I do not have the desire to stay up for 3 nights without sleep and without food contending for Him to come. I contend, I intercede, I ask for His face, but I do not beg. I am not desperate. I want Him, but how bad do I want him? I want his hand, his touch, his face, his presence, but I will be okay if I don't get it. I want Him to come, but I will manage if He doesn't. If He comes, that is awesome, but if He doesn't, I will be content with the rest.
I cannot tell you how badly I want to break and shatter this mindset. It is a horrible way of thinking. All I know is, I MUST BE DESPERATE. I MUST BE FILLED WITH HUNGER. I cannot stand to live my life with that mindset. I have been asking God to make this fire so strong within me that I have no choice but to become desperate.
I want to get to the place where I have such a strong hunger that I spend hour after hour in deep intercession, crying for God to come, begging Him for mercy, and wetting heaven's gates with my tears. I want Him to make me hungry.
Even then, when I get to that place, I wonder, can we corporately get to that place? Can God so move on our hearts that we all tie together in one accord and in holy desperation and plead for Him to come? Can we together usher in an unprecedented move of God, the greatest revival yet to come, the harvest of a billion souls, the last, greatest, and final revival that is to take place before Christ's return? Is ith possible?
I SAY YES! I believe THIS IS THE WILL OF GOD!
Can you imagine, hundreds of thousands of millions of God's people, crying out in unison, in a holy desperation, with a hunger so deep and heavy, willing to go without food and without sleep, because we are so heavily desperate for Him, that we could split the skies and cause God to MOVE and to rend the heavens and come down and meet us in our place of deep hunger? I want to see it with my eyes!
When I think about that, I wonder........how much capacity is there for God in our lives, in our world? How much room is there for Him? How much room will we allow Him to occupy? I want nothing less that OVERFLOW. I don't want Him to be contained. Because I will tell you right now, He CANNOT BE CONTAINED. He is not going to come and live in a box.
It just makes me wonder, even if we are so deeply hungry, how much capacity is there? “GOD, I AM SO DESPERATE FOR YOU TO COME! I WANT YOU SO MUCH! I NEED YOU SO BADLY!” But do we keep locked up in our hearts the secret little notion “Just don't come on Friday night, because I already have plans” or “I'm so so desperate, but when you come, just make sure all the hype is over by tuesday, because I have stuff to do. Just don't come on this night, because the NBA Finals are on and I can't miss that! Any other time is good though! Just don't interrupt my work day. It's really important.”
I wonder, could it be that He wants to INTERRUPT EVERYTHING? What if God wants, on friday night, instead of your plans, to sweep through the city and cancel everyone's plans, so that everyone is overtaken by the extreme power of God, and falling on their faces overwhelmed with deep conviction and amazed at the great love of God? Would that not be better than your out-to-dinner plans? Would that not far outweigh your plans to relax and enjoy your weekend with pizza and a movie night? What would you rather have: a relaxing, pleasurable weekend to recuperate for the week ahead, or GOD to COME DOWN out of heaven and place His hand upon you so strongly that you don't even NEED to recuperate for the week ahead, because you have been so blasted and are in awe of HIS GLORY that the week ahead is going to be a breeze, because you are in His presence?
When God visits, the hard becomes easy, the crazy and hectic becomes calm, the madness becomes sane, the darkness becomes light, everything becomes visible, and HE OPENS YOUR EYES. Your attitude is changed, your countenance is changed, your outlook and perspective are shifted, the heaviness lifts and is replaced with His easy burden. What seemed so mundane is now meaningful. Your questions are answered. Your day to day life MATTERS. And why? Because He has come. He has breathed life into every sphere of YOUR life.
HIS PRESENCE CHANGES EVERYTHING.
What if God wanted to do all of that, but couldn't because we placed Him in a box. What if we had just kept going a little bit longer, prayed a little bit harder, instead of leaving because it is dinner time?
WHAT IF WE MADE ROOM FOR GOD.
What if we became okay with Him interrupting us. What if it became alright if He wanted stay longer and cause us to miss this meeting, or that appointment? What if, instead of our doctor appointment, He wanted to come, and He wanted to heal us? What if, instead of our lunch time, He wanted to come, and He would take away our hunger so that we could enjoy His presence?
What if, instead of leaving at 8:30 pm because we need to go home, He wanted to come and visit us at church, and we wouldn't even have to worry about turning off all the lights or locking up, because He wanted to visit the city, and needed places for the ones He touched to come?
WHAT IF GOD WANTS TO MOVE RIGHT NOW? WILL YOU MOVE OUT OF THE WAY SO THAT HE CAN?
Will you let go of your schedule and your plans, so that He can come and make His own plans? So that He can come and breathe life into you? So that He can come and overwhelm you with waves of His great love?
I want so badly to not stiff-arm Him when He wants to come, just because I have plans. “Not now, God, just wait until later today, I promise you will have as much time as you want then.” But what if He wants to interrupt and come now? Would I let Him do that?
I want my religious boxes and my useless efforts to contain God, to be shattered and broken by the vast, un-containable and massive glory of God. I WANT TO EXPERIENCE HIM ONCE MORE.
How my heart yearns for revival. How much room have we given Him? I have a feeling He needs all of it. He is a big God. So big, in fact, that He cannot be contained. In 1 Kings 8, Solomon is dedicating the temple he has built for the Lord to dwell. He asks this question in verse 27: “But will God really dwell on earth? The heavens, even the highest heaven, cannot contain you. How much less this temple I have built!”
I want to make sure that He has no hindrances in His coming. I want to clear the way and make straight the path for Him to come. I want to remove and throw out and get rid of all hindrances.
If we are ever going to see this near revival that is stirring, we must give Him what He needs to come. He needs us to get out of the way. He cannot come when us humans are in the way with our schedules and plans and “penciling Him in”. He needs absolute freedom, room, capacity, EVERYTHING. He needs all of it. Are we willing to give it up in exchange for HIM? Not his hand, but his face.
I need yearning hunger; I need deep desperation; and I need to make sure I am out of the way, because.....GOD ANSWERS THE DESPERATE CRIES.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Promises
There is no god like the God of Jeshurun, who rides on the heavens to help you, and on the clouds in his majesty. The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. He will drive out your enemy before you, saying “Destroy him!”
So you will live in safety alone, Jacob's spring is secure in a land of grain and new wine, where the heavens drop dew. Blessed are you, O child; who is like you, a child saved by the LORD?
He is your shield and helper, and your glorious sword. Your enemies will cower before you and you will trample down their high places. Deuteronomy 33:26-29
“You will enter Zion with singing, everlasting joy will crown your head. Gladness and joy will overtake you, and sorrow and sighing will flee away!” Isaiah 35:1
“I have loved you with an everlasting love, I have drawn you with loving kindness. I will build you up again, and you will be rebuilt, O virgin daughter. Again you will take up your tambourine and go out to dance with the joyful!” Jeremiah 31:3,4
So you will live in safety alone, Jacob's spring is secure in a land of grain and new wine, where the heavens drop dew. Blessed are you, O child; who is like you, a child saved by the LORD?
He is your shield and helper, and your glorious sword. Your enemies will cower before you and you will trample down their high places. Deuteronomy 33:26-29
“You will enter Zion with singing, everlasting joy will crown your head. Gladness and joy will overtake you, and sorrow and sighing will flee away!” Isaiah 35:1
“I have loved you with an everlasting love, I have drawn you with loving kindness. I will build you up again, and you will be rebuilt, O virgin daughter. Again you will take up your tambourine and go out to dance with the joyful!” Jeremiah 31:3,4
Divine Devotion
“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters – yes, even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not take up his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.”
“Anyone who comes to me but refuses to let go of father, mother, spouse, children, brothers, sisters, yes, even one's own self, cannot be my disciple. Anyone who won't shoulder his own cross and follow behind me can't be my disciple.
v.33“Simply put, if if you're not willing to take what is dearest to you, whether plans or people, and kiss it goodbye, you can't be my disciple.”
To many this would not make sense, this would be the part when they turn and walk away. “That's asking too much. I want to follow Jesus, but I just can't do that.” It is hard to understand why such radicalness is needed. Why is this path so demanding? Why so radical? But one glimpse of the love of Christ is all it takes to silence all your doubt.
This kind of love is a demanding love. A love so genuine and reckless, so wholehearted and zealous demands the same in return. It is a jealous love. It demands all of you. Like the old hymn says, “Love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all.”
I want to end with this verse. It is a call to forsake everything because there is a King who desires your presence.
Now in context, these words are talking to the beautiful virgin girl going to meet king solomon. But I have adopted it as my personal divine invitation to come away with him into his holy courts and be outrageously loved by this beautiful One.
“Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear: Forget your people and your father's house; for the King is enthralled by your beauty. Honor Him, for He is your Lord.” Psalm 45:10, 11
“Anyone who comes to me but refuses to let go of father, mother, spouse, children, brothers, sisters, yes, even one's own self, cannot be my disciple. Anyone who won't shoulder his own cross and follow behind me can't be my disciple.
v.33“Simply put, if if you're not willing to take what is dearest to you, whether plans or people, and kiss it goodbye, you can't be my disciple.”
To many this would not make sense, this would be the part when they turn and walk away. “That's asking too much. I want to follow Jesus, but I just can't do that.” It is hard to understand why such radicalness is needed. Why is this path so demanding? Why so radical? But one glimpse of the love of Christ is all it takes to silence all your doubt.
This kind of love is a demanding love. A love so genuine and reckless, so wholehearted and zealous demands the same in return. It is a jealous love. It demands all of you. Like the old hymn says, “Love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all.”
I want to end with this verse. It is a call to forsake everything because there is a King who desires your presence.
Now in context, these words are talking to the beautiful virgin girl going to meet king solomon. But I have adopted it as my personal divine invitation to come away with him into his holy courts and be outrageously loved by this beautiful One.
“Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear: Forget your people and your father's house; for the King is enthralled by your beauty. Honor Him, for He is your Lord.” Psalm 45:10, 11
Eternity
What happens when it's all gone? What happens when I don't have any of this stuff left? Time is so short. So very short. The great shaking is coming. The end is so near. What is going to sustain me in this great shaking? Will it be all the love and worship songs God and I have shared that I have memorized the lyrics in my head? Will it be the memories of amazing things He and I did together? Will it be the knowledge of former experiences? Will it be the pages and pages documenting my journey with Him? Somehow, it seems that all these things, as beautiful as they are, are not going to sustain in the shaking. What is it, what is the one thing that will sustain in this great shaking that is so near?
It is clinging to the Lion for dear life. Everything will be in uproar – what will sustain me? Holding on to the Fairest of Ten Thousand, clinging to Him for dear life. How is that done? I would like to know.......
Former things cannot and will not sustain me. But they do build a foundation. I need to have a strong foundation. All the adventures God and I have had together, all the songs, all the memories, and all the journals full of all that will build me a very strong foundation. That is very good, and very wise.
But even when the shaking takes place, and I find myself with this strong foundation that comes from years growing up under His wings and spending my life with Him, then what?
Just a foundation is not enough.
When the nations are raging all around, when the whole world is in uproar, when everything is spiraling out of control and the earth is groaning for its Salvation, if I can just HOLD ON TO HIM, I WILL BE OKAY. If I can just cling to Him, I will be okay. He will hide me under His shadow. I will ride with Him as I hold onto this lion's mane. AND I WILL NOT FALL. I WILL STAND WITH HIM. If I move with Him, I will rule with him.
In the hour we are living in, the dawn of the new times, the last hours of the earth, I MUST CLING TO HIM. Only in Him will I find safety, shelter and what I need to remain standing when everything is falling around me.
Psalm 91
He who dwells in the shelter of the
Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the
Almighty. [Shaddai]
I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge
and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.
Surely he will save you from the
fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find
refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield
and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the
darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at
midday. A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes,
and see the punishment of the
wicked.
If you make the Most High your
dwelling –
even the Lord, who is my refuge –
then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels
concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot
against a stone.
You will tread upon the lion and the
cobra;
you will trample the great lion and
the serpent.
“Because he loves me,” says the Lord,
“I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he
acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer
him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”
It is clinging to the Lion for dear life. Everything will be in uproar – what will sustain me? Holding on to the Fairest of Ten Thousand, clinging to Him for dear life. How is that done? I would like to know.......
Former things cannot and will not sustain me. But they do build a foundation. I need to have a strong foundation. All the adventures God and I have had together, all the songs, all the memories, and all the journals full of all that will build me a very strong foundation. That is very good, and very wise.
But even when the shaking takes place, and I find myself with this strong foundation that comes from years growing up under His wings and spending my life with Him, then what?
Just a foundation is not enough.
When the nations are raging all around, when the whole world is in uproar, when everything is spiraling out of control and the earth is groaning for its Salvation, if I can just HOLD ON TO HIM, I WILL BE OKAY. If I can just cling to Him, I will be okay. He will hide me under His shadow. I will ride with Him as I hold onto this lion's mane. AND I WILL NOT FALL. I WILL STAND WITH HIM. If I move with Him, I will rule with him.
In the hour we are living in, the dawn of the new times, the last hours of the earth, I MUST CLING TO HIM. Only in Him will I find safety, shelter and what I need to remain standing when everything is falling around me.
Psalm 91
He who dwells in the shelter of the
Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the
Almighty. [Shaddai]
I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge
and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.
Surely he will save you from the
fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find
refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield
and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the
darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at
midday. A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes,
and see the punishment of the
wicked.
If you make the Most High your
dwelling –
even the Lord, who is my refuge –
then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels
concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot
against a stone.
You will tread upon the lion and the
cobra;
you will trample the great lion and
the serpent.
“Because he loves me,” says the Lord,
“I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he
acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer
him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Why me?
The past few weeks, my eyes have been opened to reality. I have been catching up with a bunch of old friends, hearing about the lives of people I know, and I just think "Why me? Why am I not like them? Why did my life steer away from all of that hurt? Why did my life take such a different route, than even the one I thought it was destined to take? The route that most people like me and my closest friends have taken?"
I wonder why people so close to me are so deeply hurting and I am not. I wonder why almost everyone in my life is in some kind of pain, and I am not. It's not like I am wishing oppression upon myself, but I just wonder WHY. WHY ME. WHY AM I THE ONE GOD SPARED.
I've been hearing people tell me things and I remember just thinking, "Wow, you know, people have had to deal with some pretty tough stuff. People have been through alot. And all I am is blessed. I listen to everyone's problems, and I don't really have any of my own." I know that pain is inevitable, and that everyone experiences some type of extreme heartbreak in a lifetime. And I guess I have had a few heartaches, I mean it's not like my life is perfect and everything is just smooth sailing and I have no problems. But when I look at my life and then I look at other people around me, my problems seem so insignificant. And they almost go away. All the little hurts I have had, they have still been real, but they are just so minor in light of this really hard stuff. I'm almost in awe, like Wow, people are hurting. It's almost like I am seeing it for the first time. And I look at some of my friends who were JUST LIKE ME when we were younger and I always pictured our lives kinda being pretty similar, like turning out in a pretty simple way, because we were so much alike. But, now, I look at our lives, and God has done something TOTALLY DIFFERENT to mine. It's like my life DID NOT GO on the path that it was supposed to. My life didn't, and isn't, turning out like I expected. Like I thought it would like all my friends. People change so much. What is it about me that makes my life different? Why did He choose to spare me from this heartache and pain and sometimes even these mundane lives? I look at my friends lives and think "I was supposed to have that life. But I don't. I would've been just like them, but I'm not." AND WHY. WHY am I not like them? WHAT HAPPENED TO ME, TO MY LIFE? I am completely in awe that God totally turned my life upside down, BEFORE I even went through anything. It's like He saved me BEFORE I could do anything. He didn't even let me go a little bit before He saved me, like so many I know. He completely held so tight to me that I didn't even take one wrong step towards the world. It's like, if I even would have TRIED to, which I did, it wouldn't have done anything. He held onto me and my life so tightly. WHY. WHY. I don't understand. I just wish that He could have done that to some of my friends so that they wouldn't have to suffer so much. WHAT EVEN HAPPENED TO MY LIFE. WHAT DID HE EVEN DO. I don't understand.
He gave me a totally different life. It's like, when I was born, there was a blueprint for me and my life, and He ripped it apart and said "No. Not this one. She's not having this life. I am giving her a new blueprint." WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not even that the original blueprint would have been bad! But He chose to just do a totally different thing! I don't understand. That's the essence of my testimony, I guess...that He held me so close to His side, the world and the devil had NOTHING on me. That He spared me. He plucked me from the fire, BEFORE I EVEN WENT INTO THE FIRE. HE SAVED MY LIFE BEFORE I NEEDED IT.
He chose to spare me. And I will never understand why ME and not this one. But I am eternally grateful. I can't believe He spared me, but He did. And hallelujah.
I wonder why people so close to me are so deeply hurting and I am not. I wonder why almost everyone in my life is in some kind of pain, and I am not. It's not like I am wishing oppression upon myself, but I just wonder WHY. WHY ME. WHY AM I THE ONE GOD SPARED.
I've been hearing people tell me things and I remember just thinking, "Wow, you know, people have had to deal with some pretty tough stuff. People have been through alot. And all I am is blessed. I listen to everyone's problems, and I don't really have any of my own." I know that pain is inevitable, and that everyone experiences some type of extreme heartbreak in a lifetime. And I guess I have had a few heartaches, I mean it's not like my life is perfect and everything is just smooth sailing and I have no problems. But when I look at my life and then I look at other people around me, my problems seem so insignificant. And they almost go away. All the little hurts I have had, they have still been real, but they are just so minor in light of this really hard stuff. I'm almost in awe, like Wow, people are hurting. It's almost like I am seeing it for the first time. And I look at some of my friends who were JUST LIKE ME when we were younger and I always pictured our lives kinda being pretty similar, like turning out in a pretty simple way, because we were so much alike. But, now, I look at our lives, and God has done something TOTALLY DIFFERENT to mine. It's like my life DID NOT GO on the path that it was supposed to. My life didn't, and isn't, turning out like I expected. Like I thought it would like all my friends. People change so much. What is it about me that makes my life different? Why did He choose to spare me from this heartache and pain and sometimes even these mundane lives? I look at my friends lives and think "I was supposed to have that life. But I don't. I would've been just like them, but I'm not." AND WHY. WHY am I not like them? WHAT HAPPENED TO ME, TO MY LIFE? I am completely in awe that God totally turned my life upside down, BEFORE I even went through anything. It's like He saved me BEFORE I could do anything. He didn't even let me go a little bit before He saved me, like so many I know. He completely held so tight to me that I didn't even take one wrong step towards the world. It's like, if I even would have TRIED to, which I did, it wouldn't have done anything. He held onto me and my life so tightly. WHY. WHY. I don't understand. I just wish that He could have done that to some of my friends so that they wouldn't have to suffer so much. WHAT EVEN HAPPENED TO MY LIFE. WHAT DID HE EVEN DO. I don't understand.
He gave me a totally different life. It's like, when I was born, there was a blueprint for me and my life, and He ripped it apart and said "No. Not this one. She's not having this life. I am giving her a new blueprint." WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not even that the original blueprint would have been bad! But He chose to just do a totally different thing! I don't understand. That's the essence of my testimony, I guess...that He held me so close to His side, the world and the devil had NOTHING on me. That He spared me. He plucked me from the fire, BEFORE I EVEN WENT INTO THE FIRE. HE SAVED MY LIFE BEFORE I NEEDED IT.
He chose to spare me. And I will never understand why ME and not this one. But I am eternally grateful. I can't believe He spared me, but He did. And hallelujah.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Staying Grounded and Focused
Well, in the past month or two, I've really been launched into my worship music and as a songwriter. With all this new stuff, new songs, learning alot, getting a lot better playing and learning all these new tricks, and especially writing so many new songs, God has been showing me alot.
How to not be dependant on music. Because what if one day, we are thrown in jail for being lovers of Jesus, and we don't have worship set schedules or a stage to play on or any music or instruments with us?
Hmmm....we can only be so free with schedules. It is good to be organized and it does help alot. But it is one thing to flow in the Spirit doing your worship set and not worry about time or anything, but it is a whole other act of surrender and trust to go without ANYTHING planned at all. I don't think I've ever done that. But I wonder what would happen if I did? I wonder, what would happen if instead of just having a two-hour block that we are supposed to fill, we had no limit? What if the Spirit just led all? I bet He would be good at that. I bet He would even take care of transitioning. It would really be stepping out on a limb to go with nothing at all, but I can't help myself from being curious....I think God would really like that.
It's really hard.....to stay focused on one thing, when there are so many different aspects of being a musician. There are so many things and responsibilites that come with being a leader in this area. But also, I think having ONE THING is absolutely neccessary because, when all these other multitudes of things are vying for your time attention and dedication, and you are at a loss as to which one is real, you can always return to the MAIN THING as your rock. That is loving God with all of you.
Also, when you are called to this, you sacrifice. Now when I listen to music, I don't get as much out of it as I used to, because I do what they do, and I get ideas from it, and I sort of almost critique it in my mind. But all the Lord desires is that hearts are devoted. That we love Him with all of our heart, soul mind and strength. I've learned not to care so much about how it sounds. Because He doesn't. So why should I? If I care so much about how the music sounds, I am caring about it in the eyes of men. I am not entirely focused on the Lord. It is a wonderful thing when the Lord downloads melodies and harmonies and rhythms that sound awesome to the ear. But I cannot focus on that. I HAVE TO STAY FOCUSED ON HIS HEART and MINE BEING DEVOTED TO HIS.
Also, there are SO MANY different songs. BILLIONS of songs. MULTITUDES of different music!!! And I just listen to different things that are sung to the Lord and I wonder "There has got to be one central, main thing that turns every other song into just an add on. What does God want? All of these songs are great and amazing, and God loves it when we sing them with all our hearts, but what is the song He is looking for that is the MAIN THING? Is it the song of the Bride? Could it be the song of the persecuted saints singing 'Hallelujah, yet will we praise You?' or is it the song of war? My heart has been on edge, because I need to know what this central song could be! Or could it be, that the song He most desires is not even ABOUT us, but it is simply putting Him in His rightful place? But even then, which words will adequately do that better than any others? I am at a loss! Maybe there is not a one song that is sweeter to Him than all the rest. But I want to figure it out! I know that the first and greatest commandment is "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul mind and strength." So I know that is what He most desires from His people. But....is there a song.....that will express that to Him? One song? I mean, if all these mulititudes of songs are just add ons to our real love for Him, then WHAT IS the main thing? If it is not a song, what is it? Could it be a LIFE? Or even could it be multitudes of lives? Of hearts so in love with Him that a song will not hold a light to it? WHAT DOES HE WANT? And why is He taking me on this journey of music and worship and adoration, if there is still more? If this worship is just a stop along the road? The road to get to the MAIN THING.
WHAT IS THE MAIN THING. That is my question. For me, I can not settle for multiple things that are equal. For me, I need there to be ONE THING. I need there to be only one thing. My heart is set on a pilgrimage to find the one thing that is needed. I think I will die if I do not find this thing. If I do not live with only ONE purpose. Because if there is only one thing, then the many multitudes of other things, will become what they really are. Good, but not central. WHAT IS THE CENTRAL THING. It might not even be a song.
So that's my today. He is working. :)
How to not be dependant on music. Because what if one day, we are thrown in jail for being lovers of Jesus, and we don't have worship set schedules or a stage to play on or any music or instruments with us?
Hmmm....we can only be so free with schedules. It is good to be organized and it does help alot. But it is one thing to flow in the Spirit doing your worship set and not worry about time or anything, but it is a whole other act of surrender and trust to go without ANYTHING planned at all. I don't think I've ever done that. But I wonder what would happen if I did? I wonder, what would happen if instead of just having a two-hour block that we are supposed to fill, we had no limit? What if the Spirit just led all? I bet He would be good at that. I bet He would even take care of transitioning. It would really be stepping out on a limb to go with nothing at all, but I can't help myself from being curious....I think God would really like that.
It's really hard.....to stay focused on one thing, when there are so many different aspects of being a musician. There are so many things and responsibilites that come with being a leader in this area. But also, I think having ONE THING is absolutely neccessary because, when all these other multitudes of things are vying for your time attention and dedication, and you are at a loss as to which one is real, you can always return to the MAIN THING as your rock. That is loving God with all of you.
Also, when you are called to this, you sacrifice. Now when I listen to music, I don't get as much out of it as I used to, because I do what they do, and I get ideas from it, and I sort of almost critique it in my mind. But all the Lord desires is that hearts are devoted. That we love Him with all of our heart, soul mind and strength. I've learned not to care so much about how it sounds. Because He doesn't. So why should I? If I care so much about how the music sounds, I am caring about it in the eyes of men. I am not entirely focused on the Lord. It is a wonderful thing when the Lord downloads melodies and harmonies and rhythms that sound awesome to the ear. But I cannot focus on that. I HAVE TO STAY FOCUSED ON HIS HEART and MINE BEING DEVOTED TO HIS.
Also, there are SO MANY different songs. BILLIONS of songs. MULTITUDES of different music!!! And I just listen to different things that are sung to the Lord and I wonder "There has got to be one central, main thing that turns every other song into just an add on. What does God want? All of these songs are great and amazing, and God loves it when we sing them with all our hearts, but what is the song He is looking for that is the MAIN THING? Is it the song of the Bride? Could it be the song of the persecuted saints singing 'Hallelujah, yet will we praise You?' or is it the song of war? My heart has been on edge, because I need to know what this central song could be! Or could it be, that the song He most desires is not even ABOUT us, but it is simply putting Him in His rightful place? But even then, which words will adequately do that better than any others? I am at a loss! Maybe there is not a one song that is sweeter to Him than all the rest. But I want to figure it out! I know that the first and greatest commandment is "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul mind and strength." So I know that is what He most desires from His people. But....is there a song.....that will express that to Him? One song? I mean, if all these mulititudes of songs are just add ons to our real love for Him, then WHAT IS the main thing? If it is not a song, what is it? Could it be a LIFE? Or even could it be multitudes of lives? Of hearts so in love with Him that a song will not hold a light to it? WHAT DOES HE WANT? And why is He taking me on this journey of music and worship and adoration, if there is still more? If this worship is just a stop along the road? The road to get to the MAIN THING.
WHAT IS THE MAIN THING. That is my question. For me, I can not settle for multiple things that are equal. For me, I need there to be ONE THING. I need there to be only one thing. My heart is set on a pilgrimage to find the one thing that is needed. I think I will die if I do not find this thing. If I do not live with only ONE purpose. Because if there is only one thing, then the many multitudes of other things, will become what they really are. Good, but not central. WHAT IS THE CENTRAL THING. It might not even be a song.
So that's my today. He is working. :)
HAITI 2009
Being in Haiti really birthed such a compassion in me. Ever since I got home I have been over-emphasizing that word. But first, I will tell the details and stuff everyone wants to know.
.. ..
We would walk through the villages in the mornings and see the people and their little “houses” and their families. We saw their way of life. We saw them in their element, in their everyday. We would drive through the streets and see up close their culture. We saw the men hard at work, the women busy in their fields, the young men down on the ground making their tin art in the tin shops, the kids from the villages playing soccer and taking care of their young siblings. We walked up and down the streets and saw the vendors with their baskets full of colorful things. We heard every night their creative music (beautiful but some of it was…awful, I must admit, horrible sound)
.. ..
Staying in the mission house was an adventure in itself. The missionary teams were great fun and so welcoming to me. I enjoyed hanging out with them almost as much as the Haitians. I loved having breakfast and dinner with 30 people, it was like being in a huge family. The conversation was so light and pleasant and a lot of times hilarious. One night I had to get up and go in the other room to get myself under control. The food was INCREDIBLE, so delicious. I did not have one bad meal the whole time. I did get really used to peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, pringles and vanilla cookies. That was lunch basically every day. Also, I got really used to “fetching water” from a purified container and brushing my teeth every night with a cup of water because the tap water is unclean and not safe for drinking or brushing. I am happy to say I only slipped up once, on the last day too! But I would have to say the best part was the cold showers, I thought I would die, but I realized I can tolerate a lot, I’m a tough little thing!
.. ..
One of the highlights for me was staying in Greg and Cathie’s apartment the 2nd week. I got to hear their testimony 3 times (twice to the teams) but one night Cathie and I got to talk and she told me her whole story. It was so encouraging to me because I had been struggling with trusting God and hearing His voice and getting really worried about where to go next and what He wanted for me. She really helped me so much and gave me some verses that helped her hear His voice. Besides that I miss sitting in their kitchen at night eating all of Greg’s oreos and drinking their milk (which is really good – and rare, I think) journaling about what God is saying to me through all this.
.. ..
And I can’t forget getting up at 6:30 every morning to make it to breakfast at 7, then heading out in that horrible squeaky, bumpy truck with the teams. With all the thick Haitian dust giving me breathing issues.
.. ..
But if I had to pick a favorite part it would have to be without a doubt the children. I got build such close relationships over just a few days and with language and culture barriers. I love those kids. And they knew it too. Each one of them had a story.
.. ..
Back to COMPASSION. What does it mean? I will start with this: To truly know someone, you know them inside and out and so deeply that you begin to take on their likeness. And….you take on their heart. Their heart becomes yours. So when I was 16 I set my heart on a pilgrimage to know the heart of God. Then when I turned 18, I decided I wanted all of it, the good, the bad, the joy and the agony. I said “God, give me all of your heart. I want to be like you. Break my heart for what breaks yours.”
.. ..
And a week into this trip, I was sitting up on the roof looking out over the city and the mountains, and I said “God, I am not afraid for my heart to be broken.” It was that moment that I became ready and open to receive the burdens that are in His heart. I became receptive, able to receive it. That moment something shifted in me. I knew heartbreak was coming. Because I had just made myself open and vulnerable to the Lord’s working.
.. ..
And I believe that he was so pleased with that. I believe he couldn’t wait to give me his heart. “Yes! I’ve found another one who wants it!” I think he was so excited that one of his children asked for his heart and likeness, willing to lay down their life in exchange for it. And oh boy, he gave it to me! Yes, my heart was broken. In the week that followed, he opened my eyes to the pain and oppression of the Haitians. I met people with stories you would not believe, heard stories you would not believe. I saw things that tore me on the inside (such as visiting the ravine).
.. ..
When Greg and Cathie visited us in FL, they told us about a school up over the ravine that was in session one day, and apparently had not been built on a good foundation. It just collapsed, with tons of children inside. They said they went to the lookout later that day and heard weeping all into the night. One woman was told that her five children were in the hospital. She went there to find them, and was told they were at a burial site. She went there and all five of them were dead, she then dropped over dead because it was too much for her.
.. ..
The first day I was there I met a girl named Solel who was actually one of my first Haitian friends. She was about 12 years old. She would come to the site every day to see us and hang out. About Wednesday in the 2nd week, a woman on the mission team told me that during the day a girl came up to her and told her that her dad had just died. She was ready to go live in an orphanage because her mother was so upset and could barely take care of them anymore. The woman asked her if they had enough food, and she said no, they don’t. All she wants is to go to school, but they can’t afford that. On Friday, I ran up and gave Solel a hug and noticed she was holding a card. She was telling some other kids about it. Then she looked at me and pointed to the card and said “Papa”. I grabbed the woman on the team and said “Is this the girl who…” And she nodded her head. I ran into a corner and broke down. I couldn’t believe it. When I finally stopped crying, I went back out to the kids and Solel looked at me and then pointed at the card and made a death motion. She looked so sad. All week she had been laughing, jumping rope, hugging me and playing with the kids and now here she was and I saw what her life was really like. Her sister Sophia was one of the ones I also grew to really love, she was about 14. Both her and Solel would come to the site and say “Annah! Annah!” over and over just because they like to say it.
.. ..
Friday was a very hard day for me, not only because of that. We had planned to leave the work site at noon to go back to the mission house and get ready to go up to the mountain. We were going to eat lunch in the truck on the way there. But we had to eat at the work site instead. We sent the kids away so we could eat. They went to sit on the steps. I was still tearing up over Solel and then I noticed Megan crying (she was on the team). We got our sandwiches and went into the room because we could not eat. Then I found out that one of the kids actually asked another team member “Why do you teach us about Jesus when we come here, and you don’t feed us?” I set my sandwich down, because there was no point in eating it. I just couldn’t do it. Pastor Rob came in and gave me a hug and said “You know Hannah there are a bunch of kids in Florida that you can feed.”
.. ..
All week I just wanted to take just one of those kids in the room and give them my sandwich and have the translator tell them “Ok, I’m going to give you this, but you can’t tell anyone else. Do you understand? You can’t say anything to anyone.” I just wanted to give them food. We couldn’t because if you give some of them food, the next day you will have the whole village and you won’t have enough. Those kids eat once a day, maybe twice if they are lucky and the translator told us that it is usually rice or some kind of dish like that. So every day they would watch Americans come and build them a new church and work with their kids and then send them away so they could have their American lunch. That was the hardest thing for me. I would have preferred that we didn’t even bring lunch and just eat before and after, for that reason.
.. ..
I met another little boy who I was told had 7 other siblings, whose dad was in prison. He wore a long woman’s shirt every day for 5 days. The 6th day, he had another shirt underneath that one. He was filthy. We asked the kids one day about church, and one boy said he does not go to church because his parents do voodoo up in the mountains. I just looked at him and thought “You know, he is never going to have a good or an easy life. He is always going to be poor and dirty and most likely he is already being raised in voodoo and if something doesn’t happen to change his life, he is going to grow up and do it just like them.” It made me so sad. I heard all this stuff on the last day. I spent 2 weeks playing and laughing with these kids and then the day before I left, I learned about their lives. It really broke me.
.. ..
God filled me with compassion for PEOPLE not only children. He gave me a passion to love, and also a passion to see justice. Since Haiti He has awakened in me a desire to rescue, love and care for sick, orphaned, poor, abandoned, abused, mistreated and broken people that the world doesn’t even notice. But especially children. I want to see light in their eyes, and innocence back in their face and I want to see them smile. I remember asking God “WHY! WHY ARE THEY SO ABANDONED AND NEGLECTED AND IN SUCH PAIN? DON’T YOU CARE ABOUT THEM? WHY DO THEY SUFFER SO STRONGLY WHEN I HARDLY SUFFER AT ALL?! IT’S NOT FAIR, IT’S NOT FAIR!” I felt so powerless, so helpless to do anything. I could do nothing for them, to reach them. I want JUSTICE. God began to put in me such an ignited passion and I believe this is the start of what will become my life mission. I want to bring Jesus to the world and justice to the nations and I WANT TO SEE HEALING COME TO THE BROKEN ONES!
.. ..
Thank you all for reading and praying. I had an amazing experience and hopefully will have many more this coming year. I am trusting God to provide more money for me to travel and do more mission work.
.. ..
Haiti is absolutely beautiful and the people are amazing. They are so steadfast and loving. Very open, welcoming and receptive of missionaries. I know that is not the case for all of them, but as a whole this is who they are. They are wonderful. But Haiti is also broken and very much in need of restoration and healing. I saw it in both lights. This little country is so very ripe for a mighty move of God and His hand is upon it so strongly. Every day I spent time with the people I asked myself over and over “How do they feel? What are they thinking? What is in their hearts?” I desperately wanted to know. I wanted to get inside their heads and hearts and I wanted to know them.
.. ..
.. ..
We would walk through the villages in the mornings and see the people and their little “houses” and their families. We saw their way of life. We saw them in their element, in their everyday. We would drive through the streets and see up close their culture. We saw the men hard at work, the women busy in their fields, the young men down on the ground making their tin art in the tin shops, the kids from the villages playing soccer and taking care of their young siblings. We walked up and down the streets and saw the vendors with their baskets full of colorful things. We heard every night their creative music (beautiful but some of it was…awful, I must admit, horrible sound)
.. ..
It is never quiet in Haiti. There is constant noise. Barking dogs, music, yelling, babies crying, constant traffic noise, horns, parties. The smells made me nauseous and gave me breathing problems. But the smiles I got kinda made up for it. Beautiful people.
.. ..
.. ..
Staying in the mission house was an adventure in itself. The missionary teams were great fun and so welcoming to me. I enjoyed hanging out with them almost as much as the Haitians. I loved having breakfast and dinner with 30 people, it was like being in a huge family. The conversation was so light and pleasant and a lot of times hilarious. One night I had to get up and go in the other room to get myself under control. The food was INCREDIBLE, so delicious. I did not have one bad meal the whole time. I did get really used to peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, pringles and vanilla cookies. That was lunch basically every day. Also, I got really used to “fetching water” from a purified container and brushing my teeth every night with a cup of water because the tap water is unclean and not safe for drinking or brushing. I am happy to say I only slipped up once, on the last day too! But I would have to say the best part was the cold showers, I thought I would die, but I realized I can tolerate a lot, I’m a tough little thing!
.. ..
One of the highlights for me was staying in Greg and Cathie’s apartment the 2nd week. I got to hear their testimony 3 times (twice to the teams) but one night Cathie and I got to talk and she told me her whole story. It was so encouraging to me because I had been struggling with trusting God and hearing His voice and getting really worried about where to go next and what He wanted for me. She really helped me so much and gave me some verses that helped her hear His voice. Besides that I miss sitting in their kitchen at night eating all of Greg’s oreos and drinking their milk (which is really good – and rare, I think) journaling about what God is saying to me through all this.
.. ..
And I can’t forget getting up at 6:30 every morning to make it to breakfast at 7, then heading out in that horrible squeaky, bumpy truck with the teams. With all the thick Haitian dust giving me breathing issues.
.. ..
But if I had to pick a favorite part it would have to be without a doubt the children. I got build such close relationships over just a few days and with language and culture barriers. I love those kids. And they knew it too. Each one of them had a story.
.. ..
Back to COMPASSION. What does it mean? I will start with this: To truly know someone, you know them inside and out and so deeply that you begin to take on their likeness. And….you take on their heart. Their heart becomes yours. So when I was 16 I set my heart on a pilgrimage to know the heart of God. Then when I turned 18, I decided I wanted all of it, the good, the bad, the joy and the agony. I said “God, give me all of your heart. I want to be like you. Break my heart for what breaks yours.”
.. ..
And a week into this trip, I was sitting up on the roof looking out over the city and the mountains, and I said “God, I am not afraid for my heart to be broken.” It was that moment that I became ready and open to receive the burdens that are in His heart. I became receptive, able to receive it. That moment something shifted in me. I knew heartbreak was coming. Because I had just made myself open and vulnerable to the Lord’s working.
.. ..
And I believe that he was so pleased with that. I believe he couldn’t wait to give me his heart. “Yes! I’ve found another one who wants it!” I think he was so excited that one of his children asked for his heart and likeness, willing to lay down their life in exchange for it. And oh boy, he gave it to me! Yes, my heart was broken. In the week that followed, he opened my eyes to the pain and oppression of the Haitians. I met people with stories you would not believe, heard stories you would not believe. I saw things that tore me on the inside (such as visiting the ravine).
.. ..
When Greg and Cathie visited us in FL, they told us about a school up over the ravine that was in session one day, and apparently had not been built on a good foundation. It just collapsed, with tons of children inside. They said they went to the lookout later that day and heard weeping all into the night. One woman was told that her five children were in the hospital. She went there to find them, and was told they were at a burial site. She went there and all five of them were dead, she then dropped over dead because it was too much for her.
.. ..
The first day I was there I met a girl named Solel who was actually one of my first Haitian friends. She was about 12 years old. She would come to the site every day to see us and hang out. About Wednesday in the 2nd week, a woman on the mission team told me that during the day a girl came up to her and told her that her dad had just died. She was ready to go live in an orphanage because her mother was so upset and could barely take care of them anymore. The woman asked her if they had enough food, and she said no, they don’t. All she wants is to go to school, but they can’t afford that. On Friday, I ran up and gave Solel a hug and noticed she was holding a card. She was telling some other kids about it. Then she looked at me and pointed to the card and said “Papa”. I grabbed the woman on the team and said “Is this the girl who…” And she nodded her head. I ran into a corner and broke down. I couldn’t believe it. When I finally stopped crying, I went back out to the kids and Solel looked at me and then pointed at the card and made a death motion. She looked so sad. All week she had been laughing, jumping rope, hugging me and playing with the kids and now here she was and I saw what her life was really like. Her sister Sophia was one of the ones I also grew to really love, she was about 14. Both her and Solel would come to the site and say “Annah! Annah!” over and over just because they like to say it.
.. ..
Friday was a very hard day for me, not only because of that. We had planned to leave the work site at noon to go back to the mission house and get ready to go up to the mountain. We were going to eat lunch in the truck on the way there. But we had to eat at the work site instead. We sent the kids away so we could eat. They went to sit on the steps. I was still tearing up over Solel and then I noticed Megan crying (she was on the team). We got our sandwiches and went into the room because we could not eat. Then I found out that one of the kids actually asked another team member “Why do you teach us about Jesus when we come here, and you don’t feed us?” I set my sandwich down, because there was no point in eating it. I just couldn’t do it. Pastor Rob came in and gave me a hug and said “You know Hannah there are a bunch of kids in Florida that you can feed.”
.. ..
All week I just wanted to take just one of those kids in the room and give them my sandwich and have the translator tell them “Ok, I’m going to give you this, but you can’t tell anyone else. Do you understand? You can’t say anything to anyone.” I just wanted to give them food. We couldn’t because if you give some of them food, the next day you will have the whole village and you won’t have enough. Those kids eat once a day, maybe twice if they are lucky and the translator told us that it is usually rice or some kind of dish like that. So every day they would watch Americans come and build them a new church and work with their kids and then send them away so they could have their American lunch. That was the hardest thing for me. I would have preferred that we didn’t even bring lunch and just eat before and after, for that reason.
.. ..
I met another little boy who I was told had 7 other siblings, whose dad was in prison. He wore a long woman’s shirt every day for 5 days. The 6th day, he had another shirt underneath that one. He was filthy. We asked the kids one day about church, and one boy said he does not go to church because his parents do voodoo up in the mountains. I just looked at him and thought “You know, he is never going to have a good or an easy life. He is always going to be poor and dirty and most likely he is already being raised in voodoo and if something doesn’t happen to change his life, he is going to grow up and do it just like them.” It made me so sad. I heard all this stuff on the last day. I spent 2 weeks playing and laughing with these kids and then the day before I left, I learned about their lives. It really broke me.
.. ..
God filled me with compassion for PEOPLE not only children. He gave me a passion to love, and also a passion to see justice. Since Haiti He has awakened in me a desire to rescue, love and care for sick, orphaned, poor, abandoned, abused, mistreated and broken people that the world doesn’t even notice. But especially children. I want to see light in their eyes, and innocence back in their face and I want to see them smile. I remember asking God “WHY! WHY ARE THEY SO ABANDONED AND NEGLECTED AND IN SUCH PAIN? DON’T YOU CARE ABOUT THEM? WHY DO THEY SUFFER SO STRONGLY WHEN I HARDLY SUFFER AT ALL?! IT’S NOT FAIR, IT’S NOT FAIR!” I felt so powerless, so helpless to do anything. I could do nothing for them, to reach them. I want JUSTICE. God began to put in me such an ignited passion and I believe this is the start of what will become my life mission. I want to bring Jesus to the world and justice to the nations and I WANT TO SEE HEALING COME TO THE BROKEN ONES!
.. ..
Thank you all for reading and praying. I had an amazing experience and hopefully will have many more this coming year. I am trusting God to provide more money for me to travel and do more mission work.
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