My heart is shifting so much, I can feel it. Here I am in Missouri at IHOP, doing Fire in the Night, halfway through it. I finally got here, where my heart longed to be for so long. But now its already half over and I don't want to leave. I don't know what to do. I longed to come here, but it wasn't time yet. So finally the door opens for March 2010 and I come. And before I came I thought, oh I'm only doing 3 months, and then I'm coming back home and maybe I'll do the rest later. And I was like, oh yeah I'll make good friends and stuff, but I never thought they would be my absolute best friends forever and I'd have to say goodbye to them so soon. I never thought it would be like such a family and we'd all become so close to eachother. I never want to leave this community. I wasn't even for sure doing track2 .....until like the 3rd week when I knew I wanted to be here as long as possible. And for the rest of it I knew I was staying. I just can't imagine leaving and I'm not sure that I will feel any different when its time to go home. I might even have a harder time than I'm thinking. And I don't know what to do at home. Just work? Unto what, then? I know that I want to be here in Missouri. I don't know why I changed my mind. This place is where my heart is now. And I wasn't expecting that. I had a plan. I was coming here to get launched. I wanted to do this internship and then go. I don't know where, but I wanted to go everywhere God would lead me. I want to travel and go all these places. I don't even know why. Like what am I going to do in all these places?
I feel like I'm even less sure of myself and my future than I was when I came here. And that's so weird because I was expecting the exact opposite. I was expecting this internship to confirm for me what I'm doing. I wanted to get a vision for my life because I had no idea how God would tie all my desires and giftings together into one calling. And I thought if I came here, He would show me. But now I am totally and utterly clueless. And I'm starting to think that's the way He wanted it. He planned this out. God totally knew what He was doing. He wants me completely dependant on Him alone and nothing of my own strength. He wants me to lean on Him and not my own understanding. SO therefore He chooses to strip me of everything I know, or at least I thought I knew, to make me helpless, needy, empty, and lacking. So that I would lean into Him. And now He shows me what He is going to do. ONE STEP AT A TIME. All I know is the next 3 months. That's as far as i can see right now. I can't see past September 2010 right now. And that's ok, that's how God wants it. I have no clue about anything anymore. I've realized how much I don't know.
There are so many uncertainties about my life and even the near future. I know its all going to work out for my good and HIs glory but sometimes its so hard to trust! I KNOW HE IS BUILDING MY FAITH. Faith is hope in what is UNSEEN.
And He just taught me a lesson yesterday. Through watching another person's situation. One of my best friends who really wanted something and was hoping for it the whole time, and finally she didn't get it. It wasn't what she was expecting. Through that God was telling me not to use this time to hope for something. But to use this time for Him and Him only, or else I will leave disappointed when that something doesn't happen. Because really, it's not going to happen. At least right now. 6 months is not enough time for any of that. It's just not the right time or place for this. And this internship is solely for the purpose of God, not me or my life. So I'm releasing it into His hands. I know that HIS LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE, AND IT SATISFIES.
I came here to be completely consumed in the Father and in a love relationship with Him. I came here to be satisfied in Him, fully alive and to turn my back on other lovers. I came here to be sustained and to have the 1st commandment restored to first place in my life and heart. I have seen God do all these things to me since I've been here. He is so faithful. I have grown and changed so much, and my heart is different. It has been re-aligned. I feel that this is right. THIS IS RIGHT. I am RIGHT, I'm in the right place. That is such a good feeling. Nothing is off about any of this. It's the right thing.
It's gonna be hard to leave when I don't know if anything will ever happen along these lines, but I know that He has got this. This is all Him. It's all on Him. God is the one to move me and other people at just the right place and time and do everything He has promised. We are all pawns on a chessboard in the palm of His hand, and He shuffles us about and orders our steps in any way He chooses, always in love. So I'm not worried. I know His ways are perfect. And all His plans are good and delightful to the heart. He is SO FAITHFUL. He will never disappoint me. I am going to leave Missouri with such a hope in my heart and so much thankfulness and gratitude in me toward all that He has done and where He has taken me. He is so good. I love His ways.
NO ONE WHO WAITS UPON THE LORD WILL EVER BE ASHAMED. I'm not going to be disappointed. Because I'm lifting my vision higher, to the right thing. I'll never be disappointed when I'm looking to Him. He is the giver of all good things. He is not stingy. NO GOOD THING DOES HE WITHHOLD FROM THOSE WHO FEAR HIM, THOSE WHO SEEK THE LORD LACK NO GOOD THING!!!!!! He is so faithful. He has the best most amazing and prosperous dreams. HE LOVES ME, HE KNOWS ME BEST AND HE IS GENEROUS AND CHEERFUL GIVER! HE LOVES TO GIVE GOOD GIFTS AND ABUNDANT LIFE! He is always good, never once has He not been faithful. Time and time again He has shown Himself true. It's all working together for my good. I'M SO EXCITED! I LOVE HIM!!! :) :) :)
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
I stole His heart, and He stole mine
I just thought it would be appropriate for Valentines Day..to tell my story
I didn't know when I turned 16 I would fall in love...
He captured my heart so long ago and is the reason I am here on this journey
He called me beautiful, prized, beloved and asked me to dance
And when I said yes we danced until the sun went down and beyond
I didn't know when I was 16 that was the year I would fall in love
I didn't know that I would see His face and be ruined forever
I didn't know my heart would be stolen and forever locked in his
I threw the key away.
He is the best one. He is the very best one.
He is my first love and my last love.
My heart will always be sold to Him.
No one else can have my heart.
He has me forever, I've been captivated...
"Your laughter it echoes like a joyous thunder
Your whisper it warms me like a summer breeze
Your anger is fiercer than the sun in its splendour
You’re close and yet full of mystery
Ever since the day that I saw Your face
Try as I may, I cannot look away, I cannot look away…
Captivated by You
I am captivated by You
May my life be one unbroken gaze
Fixed upon the beauty of Your face
Beholding is becoming, so as You fill my gaze
I become more like You and my heart is changed
Beholding is becoming, so as You fill my view
Transform me into the likeness of You
This is what I ask, for all my days
That I may, never look away, never look away…
No other could ever be as beautiful
No other could ever steal my heart away
I just can’t look away… "
--Captivated by Vicky Beeching
I didn't know when I turned 16 I would fall in love...
He captured my heart so long ago and is the reason I am here on this journey
He called me beautiful, prized, beloved and asked me to dance
And when I said yes we danced until the sun went down and beyond
I didn't know when I was 16 that was the year I would fall in love
I didn't know that I would see His face and be ruined forever
I didn't know my heart would be stolen and forever locked in his
I threw the key away.
He is the best one. He is the very best one.
He is my first love and my last love.
My heart will always be sold to Him.
No one else can have my heart.
He has me forever, I've been captivated...
"Your laughter it echoes like a joyous thunder
Your whisper it warms me like a summer breeze
Your anger is fiercer than the sun in its splendour
You’re close and yet full of mystery
Ever since the day that I saw Your face
Try as I may, I cannot look away, I cannot look away…
Captivated by You
I am captivated by You
May my life be one unbroken gaze
Fixed upon the beauty of Your face
Beholding is becoming, so as You fill my gaze
I become more like You and my heart is changed
Beholding is becoming, so as You fill my view
Transform me into the likeness of You
This is what I ask, for all my days
That I may, never look away, never look away…
No other could ever be as beautiful
No other could ever steal my heart away
I just can’t look away… "
--Captivated by Vicky Beeching
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Soaking up the last little bit
of my winter vacation. Tomorrow's the last day. And then....back into everything full force. I'm in the home stretch here! Before I leave! I've been waiting sooo long for this and I couldnt be more excited. Two months left!
I've been kind of confused lately. About my life and things. But I know that He's got it all taken care of already. I just want His face. I just want to know Him. I want to see His glory. And I want it to be the central, driving force of everything I do and everything I am. Its so easy to slack. Like SO EASY. I always fall back into my "its all good" sliding along without a care in the world attitude. I can't deny that He has blessed me SO MUCH lately. OVERWHELMINGLY. I mean He has been SO AMAZINGLY GOOD to me in these past few months, all year actually. It's so tempting to wanna sit back and soak everything in and just enjoy everything, and that's okay there's nothing wrong with that, but I know I need to be intentional about my relationship with Him and take initiative sometimes.
GRRR .....I feel far from where I've been, but I feel strangely satisfied. Somehow I think it's alright. It's ok that I'm in a different place. He guides me through the seasons, some are better than others (to me) but ALL of them are ordained by Him and all of them are pointing to the same thing: intimacy with Him.
AHHHHHH my mind is so jumbled right now. This is so strangely choppy and raw, I dont know if I can even read it. It might just confuse me.
I need the light of His face to shine on me. IM NOTHING WITHOUT HIM. And I don't ever want to be nothing. So I cant ever be without Him.
He knows everything. He knows the best thing for me. And its' all for His glory. Its all so that His glory will be released in the earth. Every time I try to plan out my life or think about the future and try to scrounge up some sort of map or something, or make something work out that I think is the right thing, IT NEVER WORKS. It just doesn't work my way. He always has something different. And I always end up liking it better. I really do. Never ever thought I would say that, but I always end up liking His will better than my own, even if sometimes it is the LAST THING I wanted Him to do. Or the thing I was most afraid of, or trying to get Him NOT to do. "NO GOD! ANYTHING BUT THIS! I CAN TAKE ANYTHING BUT THIS! JUST DON'T MESS WITH THIS AND I'LL BE FINE!" .......But its' always Him who knows what I can really take. I thought I couldn't take it, wouldn't be able to stand it, and it happened. And I did take it. And I'm alright. WOW, MIRACULOUSLY, I AM ALRIGHT.
HE ALWAYS KNOWS BEST! I just can't get over that. He always does His will and it turns out way more than I ever expected. He always ruins my plans, and hurts me, all so that He can make everything better than I ever thought. I just love the way He works.....
I've been kind of confused lately. About my life and things. But I know that He's got it all taken care of already. I just want His face. I just want to know Him. I want to see His glory. And I want it to be the central, driving force of everything I do and everything I am. Its so easy to slack. Like SO EASY. I always fall back into my "its all good" sliding along without a care in the world attitude. I can't deny that He has blessed me SO MUCH lately. OVERWHELMINGLY. I mean He has been SO AMAZINGLY GOOD to me in these past few months, all year actually. It's so tempting to wanna sit back and soak everything in and just enjoy everything, and that's okay there's nothing wrong with that, but I know I need to be intentional about my relationship with Him and take initiative sometimes.
GRRR .....I feel far from where I've been, but I feel strangely satisfied. Somehow I think it's alright. It's ok that I'm in a different place. He guides me through the seasons, some are better than others (to me) but ALL of them are ordained by Him and all of them are pointing to the same thing: intimacy with Him.
AHHHHHH my mind is so jumbled right now. This is so strangely choppy and raw, I dont know if I can even read it. It might just confuse me.
I need the light of His face to shine on me. IM NOTHING WITHOUT HIM. And I don't ever want to be nothing. So I cant ever be without Him.
He knows everything. He knows the best thing for me. And its' all for His glory. Its all so that His glory will be released in the earth. Every time I try to plan out my life or think about the future and try to scrounge up some sort of map or something, or make something work out that I think is the right thing, IT NEVER WORKS. It just doesn't work my way. He always has something different. And I always end up liking it better. I really do. Never ever thought I would say that, but I always end up liking His will better than my own, even if sometimes it is the LAST THING I wanted Him to do. Or the thing I was most afraid of, or trying to get Him NOT to do. "NO GOD! ANYTHING BUT THIS! I CAN TAKE ANYTHING BUT THIS! JUST DON'T MESS WITH THIS AND I'LL BE FINE!" .......But its' always Him who knows what I can really take. I thought I couldn't take it, wouldn't be able to stand it, and it happened. And I did take it. And I'm alright. WOW, MIRACULOUSLY, I AM ALRIGHT.
HE ALWAYS KNOWS BEST! I just can't get over that. He always does His will and it turns out way more than I ever expected. He always ruins my plans, and hurts me, all so that He can make everything better than I ever thought. I just love the way He works.....
Monday, December 21, 2009
It's the Little Things
He wants me just as I am. Right now in this place, the place that I'm thinking I've just got to get out of so God will be happy with me. No. I've missed the point. NOTHING I EVER DO IS GOING TO EARN ME HIS LOVE. That's the whole point of the cross. DUHHH.....
Today in a bookstore I picked up a random book, and opened to the introduction (I never read the introductions) and skimmed just a little and read something like this:
Someone asked someone to hold out their hands and try to grab onto some water that was poured out. Needless to say it absolutely didn't work. Then they asked the same person to simply cup their hands and hold them out, and catch the water that was poured. And ....it worked. There was water in their hands. What's the point of that?
...The point is I have to stop trying to grab onto His love for me and just RECEIVE IT. I'm never going to get it if I keep fumbling around trying to latch onto it. It's when I stop trying and just open up and receive that I get it. That's where I don't miss the point. Nothing that I am doing or have done to this point has gotten me God's stamp of approval or His love or happiness towards me. It's really kind of obvious when I look at the facts....
I mean look at all the past examples we have. So many to choose from. How many screwed up people with screwed up lives has God used for incredibly amazing things? And how many perfect people who always have it together, who always know what they're doing and who have "arrived".....how many of those people have been used for incredible things? Hmm......
Take David for example. He walked with God, he worshiped, he lived life under God's protective hand, he was in love with God. He danced like a madman when the ark was brought to the temple. He shepherded the sheep under his care, he fought off bears and lions, etc. etc. etc. And what else? Oh that's right. He slept with a hot girl because he....couldn't resist temptation. And after that ended up becoming a great king and has never failed to have his family line on the throne (a promise God made to him).
Exactly what does this tell us? GOD WANTS IMPERFECTION. Why? BECAUSE IT LEADS TO ENTIRE, UTTER DEPENDANCE ON HIM. See, it all ties together. He is proven strong in our weakness, right? YES.
Does that mean I'm saying its ok to just go and screw up and lust after a hot girl so God will use it for His good and you will end up being used for amazing things? NO FREAKING WAY. Obedience is so much easier. But a lot of people think that we have to earn rights to be called a son or a daughter of God. If that's the case, then who can do it? It's impossible!
What I learned today, when I wasn't even looking for a lesson, when I wasn't studying the Bible, when I wasn't immersed in deep worship, when I was just living and breathing and, yes, Christmas shopping actually. (The point here is that God will take you anytime, anywhere, in any place you're at, in your humanity... :) ..But what I learned is that
1) I am never going to "arrive" (meaning I will ALWAYS have something that needs to be worked on, prefected, refined, etc. )
2) I have got to get my eyes off of ME and just let Him use me anyway, no matter how much I want to protest and tell Him "No, not yet! Just let me take care of this issue, just let me fix this imperfection, and then you can use me!" ....He wants me as I am, and He will use it. Yes, LIKE THAT.
3) I DONT HAVE TO TRY ANYMORE (wasn't that what I was supposed to know when I said "I want the cross" ??? Hello????? LOL......Thats the point of grace, thank you.
4) I have to stop grabbing onto His love for me and just receive it! I always think I don't want to receive it when He wants to love on me cause I'm not worthy of it yet, I'm not clean enough for Him to love me right now, I havent done enough yet, I havent been in my Bible yet today, I havent prayed at all today, so don't love me right now because I'm actually not even thinking about you and how I love you God, I'm thinking about myself and my plans and blahblahblahblahBLAHHHHH....When THE WHOLE POINT IS GRACE, it's for Him to love on me cause I really am the farthest thing from worth it!
5) ISN'T THAT GREAT! THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY AND it totally releases me from any and all kind of weight.
Sometimes I just have to stop pushing His love away and just receive. And accept it. HE LOVES ME AND NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE THAT. ITS UNCHANGING. Even if I don't even WANT his love, He still loves me..there's no getting around it.
And on second thought, isn't it so much better when you receive His love?????
Today in a bookstore I picked up a random book, and opened to the introduction (I never read the introductions) and skimmed just a little and read something like this:
Someone asked someone to hold out their hands and try to grab onto some water that was poured out. Needless to say it absolutely didn't work. Then they asked the same person to simply cup their hands and hold them out, and catch the water that was poured. And ....it worked. There was water in their hands. What's the point of that?
...The point is I have to stop trying to grab onto His love for me and just RECEIVE IT. I'm never going to get it if I keep fumbling around trying to latch onto it. It's when I stop trying and just open up and receive that I get it. That's where I don't miss the point. Nothing that I am doing or have done to this point has gotten me God's stamp of approval or His love or happiness towards me. It's really kind of obvious when I look at the facts....
I mean look at all the past examples we have. So many to choose from. How many screwed up people with screwed up lives has God used for incredibly amazing things? And how many perfect people who always have it together, who always know what they're doing and who have "arrived".....how many of those people have been used for incredible things? Hmm......
Take David for example. He walked with God, he worshiped, he lived life under God's protective hand, he was in love with God. He danced like a madman when the ark was brought to the temple. He shepherded the sheep under his care, he fought off bears and lions, etc. etc. etc. And what else? Oh that's right. He slept with a hot girl because he....couldn't resist temptation. And after that ended up becoming a great king and has never failed to have his family line on the throne (a promise God made to him).
Exactly what does this tell us? GOD WANTS IMPERFECTION. Why? BECAUSE IT LEADS TO ENTIRE, UTTER DEPENDANCE ON HIM. See, it all ties together. He is proven strong in our weakness, right? YES.
Does that mean I'm saying its ok to just go and screw up and lust after a hot girl so God will use it for His good and you will end up being used for amazing things? NO FREAKING WAY. Obedience is so much easier. But a lot of people think that we have to earn rights to be called a son or a daughter of God. If that's the case, then who can do it? It's impossible!
What I learned today, when I wasn't even looking for a lesson, when I wasn't studying the Bible, when I wasn't immersed in deep worship, when I was just living and breathing and, yes, Christmas shopping actually. (The point here is that God will take you anytime, anywhere, in any place you're at, in your humanity... :) ..But what I learned is that
1) I am never going to "arrive" (meaning I will ALWAYS have something that needs to be worked on, prefected, refined, etc. )
2) I have got to get my eyes off of ME and just let Him use me anyway, no matter how much I want to protest and tell Him "No, not yet! Just let me take care of this issue, just let me fix this imperfection, and then you can use me!" ....He wants me as I am, and He will use it. Yes, LIKE THAT.
3) I DONT HAVE TO TRY ANYMORE (wasn't that what I was supposed to know when I said "I want the cross" ??? Hello????? LOL......Thats the point of grace, thank you.
4) I have to stop grabbing onto His love for me and just receive it! I always think I don't want to receive it when He wants to love on me cause I'm not worthy of it yet, I'm not clean enough for Him to love me right now, I havent done enough yet, I havent been in my Bible yet today, I havent prayed at all today, so don't love me right now because I'm actually not even thinking about you and how I love you God, I'm thinking about myself and my plans and blahblahblahblahBLAHHHHH....When THE WHOLE POINT IS GRACE, it's for Him to love on me cause I really am the farthest thing from worth it!
5) ISN'T THAT GREAT! THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY AND it totally releases me from any and all kind of weight.
Sometimes I just have to stop pushing His love away and just receive. And accept it. HE LOVES ME AND NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE THAT. ITS UNCHANGING. Even if I don't even WANT his love, He still loves me..there's no getting around it.
And on second thought, isn't it so much better when you receive His love?????
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
God comes when you least expect it
Like the sunrise over a mountain range, His glory breaks forth and all you can do is sit and take it in. He comes when you least expect it!!
A normal saturday with relaxing and having fun on my mind. A shopping trip with a friend. Just doing what lots of girls would do on a weekend. Then, driving home that night, I turn to my friend who is searching for a song to play on my ipod and I say "play my night drive worship mix" She turns it on and immediately I am taken back to my roots, past all the busyness of the moment, past all the craziness and little distractions of my young adult life, and I am immediately swept up into His presence. I WASN'T EVEN EXPECTING THAT. I would listen to this stuff all the time, and wouldn't really feel much, but would still worship. This time without even knowing what would happen I did the same thing as I always do, expecting the same thing to happen, to just worship with my heart and not feel God. BUT THIS TIME HE BROKE IN OVER ME! He came to me, like a sudden sunrise, in the middle of the dark night it just breaks in like a light and shines on everything in its path.
THAT WAS WHEN I LEAST EXPECTED HIM TO COME! A shopping trip? One of the most girly things to do with your weekend? The whole day eyeing lots of guys and them eyeing you, shopping for cute clothes, eating at nice restaurants? I say all this to point out how NOT ready and prepared I was for the Spirit to fall. This hardly seems like the place God would come in the midst of, right??
Wrong. He WANTS to break down every barrier and every wall that stands in the way of His presence falling on the hearts of men. And He will do it. Not to say any of this was bad, I was just going about my life as I normally would. I had been praying for more of God, I had been asking for His presence, I had been doing a lot to warrant this fresh move. What I was missing was His actual move to my heart. I was waiting for it. I was waiting for Him to initiate something, so that I could respond to Him. So that my heart could respond to His, so that I would begin to draw toward Him and He would draw near to me. I had yearned to draw near to the Lord, having certain unexpected times my heart would just long and I would cry to the Lord for hours. I would long to be with the Lord and ask for His presence. But then life would call my name. My alarm would go off. I would get up and go about my day like normal, hanging onto the hope that someday soon I would see Him. When I could stop being so busy or something. When I could leave for missouri in march, when I wouldn't have a job to take me away from Him.
I always felt that I could love Him more if I just could sit at His feet all day long and all into the night. I felt that I wasn't loving Him strong enough, that I could do better. That if only I just didn't have to work. If only I didn't have this job that take up so much of my time. That I could just love him. "ALL I WANT TO DO IS BE WITH GOD AND I CAN'T! I HAVE TO WAKE UP AND GO TO WORK WHEN ALL I WANT IS TO LOVE GOD TODAY!" I would get so frustrated.
And then He broke down all the barriers. He came to me. He told me He loves my purity and he sees my heart, and he knows the longing I have for him. And that same night when He awakened me, I got a picture of what was happening. We were almost home, driving down park avenue, and I looked up into the sky, and then I noticed a street light. It was off. And as soon as I looked at it, it started to flicker until it came on. It looked to me as if it had been asleep, so to speak, and then, just like that, it wakes up. It lights up again. It comes back to life. And God told me that's what He was doing to me.
Then sunday night after church, I was on my way home, and I pulled up to a stop sign and just immediately started pouring out my heart to him, like I couldn't even stop it, it just welled up and finally had to surface. I just relayed everything to Him. And after I was done, He came again. His presence filled my heart. I went home and He was still resting on me. He put on my heart to fast 3 days, eating only fruits & vegetables. He said this would empty me so that I would be an open and receptive vessel to hold His glory.
A normal saturday with relaxing and having fun on my mind. A shopping trip with a friend. Just doing what lots of girls would do on a weekend. Then, driving home that night, I turn to my friend who is searching for a song to play on my ipod and I say "play my night drive worship mix" She turns it on and immediately I am taken back to my roots, past all the busyness of the moment, past all the craziness and little distractions of my young adult life, and I am immediately swept up into His presence. I WASN'T EVEN EXPECTING THAT. I would listen to this stuff all the time, and wouldn't really feel much, but would still worship. This time without even knowing what would happen I did the same thing as I always do, expecting the same thing to happen, to just worship with my heart and not feel God. BUT THIS TIME HE BROKE IN OVER ME! He came to me, like a sudden sunrise, in the middle of the dark night it just breaks in like a light and shines on everything in its path.
THAT WAS WHEN I LEAST EXPECTED HIM TO COME! A shopping trip? One of the most girly things to do with your weekend? The whole day eyeing lots of guys and them eyeing you, shopping for cute clothes, eating at nice restaurants? I say all this to point out how NOT ready and prepared I was for the Spirit to fall. This hardly seems like the place God would come in the midst of, right??
Wrong. He WANTS to break down every barrier and every wall that stands in the way of His presence falling on the hearts of men. And He will do it. Not to say any of this was bad, I was just going about my life as I normally would. I had been praying for more of God, I had been asking for His presence, I had been doing a lot to warrant this fresh move. What I was missing was His actual move to my heart. I was waiting for it. I was waiting for Him to initiate something, so that I could respond to Him. So that my heart could respond to His, so that I would begin to draw toward Him and He would draw near to me. I had yearned to draw near to the Lord, having certain unexpected times my heart would just long and I would cry to the Lord for hours. I would long to be with the Lord and ask for His presence. But then life would call my name. My alarm would go off. I would get up and go about my day like normal, hanging onto the hope that someday soon I would see Him. When I could stop being so busy or something. When I could leave for missouri in march, when I wouldn't have a job to take me away from Him.
I always felt that I could love Him more if I just could sit at His feet all day long and all into the night. I felt that I wasn't loving Him strong enough, that I could do better. That if only I just didn't have to work. If only I didn't have this job that take up so much of my time. That I could just love him. "ALL I WANT TO DO IS BE WITH GOD AND I CAN'T! I HAVE TO WAKE UP AND GO TO WORK WHEN ALL I WANT IS TO LOVE GOD TODAY!" I would get so frustrated.
And then He broke down all the barriers. He came to me. He told me He loves my purity and he sees my heart, and he knows the longing I have for him. And that same night when He awakened me, I got a picture of what was happening. We were almost home, driving down park avenue, and I looked up into the sky, and then I noticed a street light. It was off. And as soon as I looked at it, it started to flicker until it came on. It looked to me as if it had been asleep, so to speak, and then, just like that, it wakes up. It lights up again. It comes back to life. And God told me that's what He was doing to me.
Then sunday night after church, I was on my way home, and I pulled up to a stop sign and just immediately started pouring out my heart to him, like I couldn't even stop it, it just welled up and finally had to surface. I just relayed everything to Him. And after I was done, He came again. His presence filled my heart. I went home and He was still resting on me. He put on my heart to fast 3 days, eating only fruits & vegetables. He said this would empty me so that I would be an open and receptive vessel to hold His glory.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
My mind is blank......
What to say????
What did God show me yesterday?
That He will continue to pull and tug on my heart until he has it all. He won't relent until he has all of me.
You know a few days ago I got really mad. I told God "Well, if you really wanted me as much as you say you do, then you would be pursuing me and coming after me. Obviously you don't want me that much, because you're not even pursuing me at all."
And you know what He said? The exact same thing to me. "Obviously you don't want me as much as you say you do, because you're not pursuing me at all, you're not coming after me."
I was totally floored. I was looking in the mirror putting on makeup when this was going on. And when God said that I stopped and put the brush down and just stared at myself in the mirror speechless. IT REALLY IS ....A RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES TWO PEOPLE, NOT ONE. If a relationship consists of one person doing everything, its not a relationship.
I was driving around when the sun was going down and the sky was orangey-pink and purple, and then it got dark and the moon came out, and I went to the river, and it was so sparkly on the water. It was so gorgeous. And while I was sitting on the dock this cool breeze was blowing on my face and through my hair and He reminded me of how indescribable and uncomparable he is. And my heart started breaking because of every time I choose something less than....when I could have HIM...
What did God show me yesterday?
That He will continue to pull and tug on my heart until he has it all. He won't relent until he has all of me.
You know a few days ago I got really mad. I told God "Well, if you really wanted me as much as you say you do, then you would be pursuing me and coming after me. Obviously you don't want me that much, because you're not even pursuing me at all."
And you know what He said? The exact same thing to me. "Obviously you don't want me as much as you say you do, because you're not pursuing me at all, you're not coming after me."
I was totally floored. I was looking in the mirror putting on makeup when this was going on. And when God said that I stopped and put the brush down and just stared at myself in the mirror speechless. IT REALLY IS ....A RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES TWO PEOPLE, NOT ONE. If a relationship consists of one person doing everything, its not a relationship.
I was driving around when the sun was going down and the sky was orangey-pink and purple, and then it got dark and the moon came out, and I went to the river, and it was so sparkly on the water. It was so gorgeous. And while I was sitting on the dock this cool breeze was blowing on my face and through my hair and He reminded me of how indescribable and uncomparable he is. And my heart started breaking because of every time I choose something less than....when I could have HIM...
Saturday, October 24, 2009
its all about to change......
Now more than ever I feel my heart shifting into what is next.....I know that this full and abundant time will not last forever. I dont know how much longer my life is going to be so full and rich and happy and full of life. I know what He has called me to. Its an entire 180degree turn from the path I wanted for myself. He told me it is going to be filled with LIFE, if I take this way. But do you know....I used to think differently about what "full of life" meant. I used to think that if my life was "full of life" it would be happy, joyful, rich in blessings all the time. No. I was missing the point. When God told me full of life He meant something else. He meant HIS way of life. "Whoever seeks to save his life will lose it, ...whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.." He meant OH SO SWEET and also OH SO HARD. You see, I don't think you can have just one without the other. If you have one without the other, then life really isn't all that great. It's drinking from the cup of blessing AND the cup of suffering that makes it all worth it.
How can suffering make it all worth it? For me there is only one way to have anything to present to God at the end of it all. Its if I walked through EVERYTHING, as much as I could like Jesus. Let me tell you the way Jesus lived was DEFINITELY not always sweet and blessed and prosperous. But the thing is , he knew his mission and he knew his calling. He did not go through life dreading it, but rather he longed for it, because "he knew that it was his calling and purpose in life as a man at that time. To betrothe a fallen harlot back to himself." [audra lynn]
I just think to myself, how can I know what He has asked of me (the same as him) and know the destiny that He has placed on my life, and choose not to go that way? How can I see his love for me, and then hear his calling for me, and choose something else? I can't even imagine doing that, or what my life would be like if I did.
You know what I just told God one night "You know I don't CARE if I ever write a book or make a cd or live here in america in abundance. Go ahead God take that from me. Take as many of my dreams as you want from me. If I NEVER get to make the cd that ive always wanted to do, its ok. If I never get to dance again, its ok. If my life never turns out the way I pictured it in my little cinderella dreams as a little girl, its ok. God you can have all of me. I AM THE OFFERING. I dont want to give you just my money, or just my worship, or just my compassionate heart, I WANT TO GIVE YOU ME. I'M the offering. You gave YOU as an offering, so I want to give me. You didnt come here and give me money. You didnt come to earth and give me blessings, or a good life, or any of that. You came here and gave me ALL OF YOU as an offering. You are the example of what I have to do. My life isn't even mine to give up. Its always belonged to you.
All I know to do is just give him everything. Thats all I know to do. Thats just where my heart belongs. My heart thrives in the laying down and letting go and emptying.
I so look forward to the path that He wants to take me on, instead of my own. When I talk to people I grew up with and havent talked to in a while, and I tell them about what I'm doing, and theyre just like "Wow, i never would have guessed that," or "I never saw that coming" .....And I'm just like "I know, me neither."
I never dreamed that all my dreams would not come true, but instead there was a whole other set of dreams for me that I dont yet know, and I never dreamed that I would be so excited to give mine up and exchange them.
Its like, every time I sit down again to a huge meal, I think of those dears who havent ever got to do that. Every time I put on a cd, or open up a notebook, or even send a text message, i think of those who dont even know what its like to own , even a book. Or a blanket. Every time I drive around, I think of those who have to walk everywhere. Every time I'm at church, I think of those who stay at theirs for hours and hours, because there's not anywhere else they have to go after. There's nowhere even TO go. They have nothing else to do. They don't have anything.
Even just HEARING about the poorest of the poor, it makes me think Im missing something. Theres something about the heart of the poor "that God responds to" [heidi baker] ....They dont know anything about our way of life. If they saw even a small FRACTION, they would be overwhelmed. All they know is that they are in need and if God doesn't come, they will die. Thats how I want to live. Im not saying Im wishing to be poor. Im not saying I want to go forsake america and go live in africa in a tent made out of a sheet. I just want my heart to be in its rightful place. And if it takes going to africa for God to do that, then heck put me on a plane right now. I'm missing something. I have too much. I dont know what its like to be in need, really in need. I'm too rich. [And I'm not even rich] I just want God to sift through my heart until there's nothing in there that is AT ALL of ME. Until I KNOW THAT I NEED HIM.
I need God just like the man who doesnt own a pair of shoes needs him.
I need God just as much as the hopeless hooker that I see almost every day when I drive home.
I need God just as much as the anciently old beggar in haiti who came up to me and held out her wrinkly, old, weathered hand and looked up at me with tiny slitted eyes.
I need God just like the little kid with a life-sucking disease needs him.
I'M NOT GOING TO PUSH GOD AWAY JUST BECAUSE I HAVE EVERYTHING I COULD EVER WANT RIGHT AT MY FINGERTIPS. I NEED HIM SO MUCH! I NEED GOD!
I just want the whole world to see that WE ARE ALL DESPERATELY IN NEED OF GOD. But most won't ever see that. There's no room for God. Because everything else is here. There's no capacity for God, because everything else takes up all the space. Theres no need for God, because we're rich. We don't NEED anything. We have everything we could ever want.
It makes me so sad. I cant hardly even turn on the tv anymore without the thoughts of those dear people who KNOW they need God running over and over through my brain. I can hardly get mad when some other driver cuts me off without this tug on my heart that says "Don't miss the point.....you are a human being in desperate need of God....what makes you think you deserve anything?"
I know God has been calling me to go to poor nations since Ive been old enough to grasp why He wants me there. Hes been putting nations on my heart since I was 17. But now it seems my whole reason for even going has changed. I dont even want to go because I will get to see helpless people helped, or needy people's needs met, or that I will get to give and feed and heal people who need it. Now I just want to go so that I will be emptied. Emptied of my stubborn selfish heart-motives. Emptied of this little attitude that says "I dont need God right now because I have this. But when this is gone I will go pray because I'll need him" I WANT TO BE WITH THE POOR SO IT MAKES ME SEE HOW POOR I AM. I WANT TO SEE MYSELF AND MY DESPERATION IN THESE PEOPLE.
The truth is, we are all needy. ....Who knows what could happen? What if tomorrow a disaster happened and we lost everything? What if we couldnt just drive to starbucks when we're craving this or that? What if we couldnt just go to the doctor because this or that hurts or we have this problem? What if an army of muslim extremists invaded our country and started war here in our streets and our cities? What if our planet got out of its orbit? WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAPPEN, ANY DAY!
THE POINT IS THAT WE CANT BECOME HARD-HEARTED. WE CAN'T MISS THE POINT. WE CAN'T BE BLIND ANYMORE TO OUR NEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just feel like everything is about to change. For me, or for everyone. I dont know. But what I do know is that I can no longer live in all this blessing and miss the whole point of everything. If I can live in prosperity and still acknowledge and act on my desperate need for God then ok, I'll stay. But if I live in abundance, and become stiff necked and independant, I DONT WANT TO STAY HERE!
........just where my heart's at..To be continued... sometime, ...maybe..?
How can suffering make it all worth it? For me there is only one way to have anything to present to God at the end of it all. Its if I walked through EVERYTHING, as much as I could like Jesus. Let me tell you the way Jesus lived was DEFINITELY not always sweet and blessed and prosperous. But the thing is , he knew his mission and he knew his calling. He did not go through life dreading it, but rather he longed for it, because "he knew that it was his calling and purpose in life as a man at that time. To betrothe a fallen harlot back to himself." [audra lynn]
I just think to myself, how can I know what He has asked of me (the same as him) and know the destiny that He has placed on my life, and choose not to go that way? How can I see his love for me, and then hear his calling for me, and choose something else? I can't even imagine doing that, or what my life would be like if I did.
You know what I just told God one night "You know I don't CARE if I ever write a book or make a cd or live here in america in abundance. Go ahead God take that from me. Take as many of my dreams as you want from me. If I NEVER get to make the cd that ive always wanted to do, its ok. If I never get to dance again, its ok. If my life never turns out the way I pictured it in my little cinderella dreams as a little girl, its ok. God you can have all of me. I AM THE OFFERING. I dont want to give you just my money, or just my worship, or just my compassionate heart, I WANT TO GIVE YOU ME. I'M the offering. You gave YOU as an offering, so I want to give me. You didnt come here and give me money. You didnt come to earth and give me blessings, or a good life, or any of that. You came here and gave me ALL OF YOU as an offering. You are the example of what I have to do. My life isn't even mine to give up. Its always belonged to you.
All I know to do is just give him everything. Thats all I know to do. Thats just where my heart belongs. My heart thrives in the laying down and letting go and emptying.
I so look forward to the path that He wants to take me on, instead of my own. When I talk to people I grew up with and havent talked to in a while, and I tell them about what I'm doing, and theyre just like "Wow, i never would have guessed that," or "I never saw that coming" .....And I'm just like "I know, me neither."
I never dreamed that all my dreams would not come true, but instead there was a whole other set of dreams for me that I dont yet know, and I never dreamed that I would be so excited to give mine up and exchange them.
Its like, every time I sit down again to a huge meal, I think of those dears who havent ever got to do that. Every time I put on a cd, or open up a notebook, or even send a text message, i think of those who dont even know what its like to own , even a book. Or a blanket. Every time I drive around, I think of those who have to walk everywhere. Every time I'm at church, I think of those who stay at theirs for hours and hours, because there's not anywhere else they have to go after. There's nowhere even TO go. They have nothing else to do. They don't have anything.
Even just HEARING about the poorest of the poor, it makes me think Im missing something. Theres something about the heart of the poor "that God responds to" [heidi baker] ....They dont know anything about our way of life. If they saw even a small FRACTION, they would be overwhelmed. All they know is that they are in need and if God doesn't come, they will die. Thats how I want to live. Im not saying Im wishing to be poor. Im not saying I want to go forsake america and go live in africa in a tent made out of a sheet. I just want my heart to be in its rightful place. And if it takes going to africa for God to do that, then heck put me on a plane right now. I'm missing something. I have too much. I dont know what its like to be in need, really in need. I'm too rich. [And I'm not even rich] I just want God to sift through my heart until there's nothing in there that is AT ALL of ME. Until I KNOW THAT I NEED HIM.
I need God just like the man who doesnt own a pair of shoes needs him.
I need God just as much as the hopeless hooker that I see almost every day when I drive home.
I need God just as much as the anciently old beggar in haiti who came up to me and held out her wrinkly, old, weathered hand and looked up at me with tiny slitted eyes.
I need God just like the little kid with a life-sucking disease needs him.
I'M NOT GOING TO PUSH GOD AWAY JUST BECAUSE I HAVE EVERYTHING I COULD EVER WANT RIGHT AT MY FINGERTIPS. I NEED HIM SO MUCH! I NEED GOD!
I just want the whole world to see that WE ARE ALL DESPERATELY IN NEED OF GOD. But most won't ever see that. There's no room for God. Because everything else is here. There's no capacity for God, because everything else takes up all the space. Theres no need for God, because we're rich. We don't NEED anything. We have everything we could ever want.
It makes me so sad. I cant hardly even turn on the tv anymore without the thoughts of those dear people who KNOW they need God running over and over through my brain. I can hardly get mad when some other driver cuts me off without this tug on my heart that says "Don't miss the point.....you are a human being in desperate need of God....what makes you think you deserve anything?"
I know God has been calling me to go to poor nations since Ive been old enough to grasp why He wants me there. Hes been putting nations on my heart since I was 17. But now it seems my whole reason for even going has changed. I dont even want to go because I will get to see helpless people helped, or needy people's needs met, or that I will get to give and feed and heal people who need it. Now I just want to go so that I will be emptied. Emptied of my stubborn selfish heart-motives. Emptied of this little attitude that says "I dont need God right now because I have this. But when this is gone I will go pray because I'll need him" I WANT TO BE WITH THE POOR SO IT MAKES ME SEE HOW POOR I AM. I WANT TO SEE MYSELF AND MY DESPERATION IN THESE PEOPLE.
The truth is, we are all needy. ....Who knows what could happen? What if tomorrow a disaster happened and we lost everything? What if we couldnt just drive to starbucks when we're craving this or that? What if we couldnt just go to the doctor because this or that hurts or we have this problem? What if an army of muslim extremists invaded our country and started war here in our streets and our cities? What if our planet got out of its orbit? WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAPPEN, ANY DAY!
THE POINT IS THAT WE CANT BECOME HARD-HEARTED. WE CAN'T MISS THE POINT. WE CAN'T BE BLIND ANYMORE TO OUR NEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just feel like everything is about to change. For me, or for everyone. I dont know. But what I do know is that I can no longer live in all this blessing and miss the whole point of everything. If I can live in prosperity and still acknowledge and act on my desperate need for God then ok, I'll stay. But if I live in abundance, and become stiff necked and independant, I DONT WANT TO STAY HERE!
........just where my heart's at..To be continued... sometime, ...maybe..?
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