I want a Heart that is Alive

I won't despise in my life that which makes me lean upon Christ. For His strength is perfected in my weakness. I say yes. I'd rather have the fire now and come out with a heart of gold. At the end of my life the question will be, did I learn to love? Was His likeness formed in me? Let there be no resistance in me towards Your plan and Your hands. You do everything it takes to keep me dependent, to keep Your strength manifesting through my weakness. What does the Potter see in the clay that He molds it and forms it this way? What's in His eyes that He does not despise this lump though it is yet unmade? Round and round the Potter's wheel goes. The right amount of pressure He knows to make me a vessel of honor to showcase His glory, to leak His beauty. Caught a glimpse of Your beauty, Jesus. Tasted a love that surpasses all of life's pleasures. Light is dancing all around You. Light is dancing all within You. I see how You carried Your reward inside You. I see the smile dancing behind your eyes. Could that smile that's in your eyes, be in mine all the days of my life? Your delight is in the fear of the Lord, in living before Your Father's eyes, your Father's heart. There's no shadow of turning, no compromise. Could I carry my reward on the inside? Jesus, You stand as a witness of what the Father will do with a life poured out. It looked as though You had labored in vain. But now you are seated at the highest place. Could I carry my reward on the inside? Could I have that life behind my eyes? That joy that is incorruptible and surpasses understanding.

Longing

This season is unlike any other season in my life. I won't go into a lot of detail, but I am yearning for romance like never before. Living life with a longing heart is hard and there have been a lot of days when I just feel like collapsing on the floor out of emotional exhaustion and even hurt. I've been sowing a lot of tears. Which is good news, because... "Those who sow in tears will reap in laughter. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them." Psalm 126

But this has forced me to go farther. I have drawn near to the Lord like never before because of this. God has pulled my heart and drawn me in with loving kindness.

"Pull me a little closer, take me a little deeper, I want to know Your heart. Your love is so much sweeter than anything I've tasted. I want to know Your heart....."

"I need a hug on the inside. I need your voice in my mind. I need a touch where fingers can't go. I feel Your breath when I'm still now. I feel Your warmth when You come down. I'll trade the world for what You can do."

This is the cup of suffering and joy mingled together. It is so bittersweet. I know that I am being transformed into the likeness of Jesus Christ. So I press on. <3

All the Glory is His

All the good that is in me is from Him. I have no good in me apart from Him. Any beauty that anyone sees, any kindness, any joy, any love, any goodness, is all Him. It's Jesus. He is the glorious, worthy one. He is where all praise and glory is due.

Any time I have ever acted in love, kindness, gentleness, mercy, compassion, ANY GOODNESS AT ALL, it has been Jesus. It's HIM. It's His heart in me. He is alive in me.

I AM NOTHING WITHOUT HIM. With Him I am full of the fruit of the Spirit. Without Him I am selfish, self-seeking, self-absorbed, prideful, arrogant, everything I don't want to be. He is what makes me Beautiful. It's His Spirit. It's His character, His nature, His heart.

All the glory is His. Jesus has made me what I am. If you look at me and think I am beautiful, praise my Maker and sustainer.

All glory, honor and praise belongs to Him.

A Standard of Faithfulness

"Many claim to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?" Proverbs 20:6

Faithful men are and have always been rare.

I have seen a few in my life. My 2 grandpas and my Dad are the ones I admire the most.

I have watched my grandparents' marriages for years and seen them grow closer and closer.

I have observed my Dad getting up every morning without fail to read his Bible before going to work. No matter how tired, weary or discouraged he is, he gets up every day again and is faithful in the mundane. He goes to my brothers' sports games. He supports me 100% in everything I do and have done.

A sure sign of someone's character is to watch them in the every-day, mundane, how they live their life. How do they do things that are done every day? How does their heart look and what attitude do they have? Are they steady? Do they keep going while keeping their heart soft before the Lord and not just checking-out?

I have seen very, very few of these people, but I have seen some. They are out there :)

Faithfulness is extremely rare especially in modern day American culture, and everywhere for that matter.

I will always hold faithfulness as one of the highest, most noble and admirable qualities a person can have.

Until I get married I will have high standards regarding faithfulness.... and I will marry someone like my Daddy <3

At the End of the Day

Pressure's on. Time is short, and learning to manage time and use free time wisely is one of the most important tasks one could ever master.

I always feel, before my head hits the pillow at night, a tiny twinge of hunger. With that comes a train of thoughts: "I need to do more." ......."I need to start upping my workouts to an hour or maybe an hour and a half. I need to go to bed on time. I need to figure out my finances. I need to really read up on the presidential candidates and do some real research. I need to read the news and find out what's going on in the world. I need to really know what's happening. I need to call this person. I need to catch up with so-and-so. I need to work on my relationships with people and really invest in them. I need to send so-and-so a letter/card/email/gift. I need to sit down with so-and-so and share my heart with them. I need to make sure I'm prioritizing what's most important to me. I need to.........." on and on and on.

And what ends up happening, is I just think of what I need to do, and I don't ever actually do it. And I just keep knowing that I really need to do it. That's not getting anywhere.

There is one thing above all else that must take first place. This must be the one absolutely necessary thing, that if nothing else gets done, this does. I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT IT.

See, this ONE thing, will make all of that other stuff fall into place.

INTIMACY. Intimacy with Jesus. I must have intimacy. I must keep my secret place alive. I must guard the flame within.

One thing I have learned over the past 6 years is that you must have daily bread. You can't keep going on what God gave to you yesterday. It's just like the manna in the wilderness. The Israelites could only have that day's portion that the Lord provided, and if they tried to save any in order to "stock up", the manna would go bad overnight and they would wake up to find it.

What has God spoken to me TODAY?
What did I learn today?
What did my heart grow in today?
What did the Lord and I talk about today?

Sometimes I feel like I have this temptation to ask myself those questions and then answer them with "Well the past few weeks I've been feeling this .....or this...." and I have a feeling that's not what the Lord is after. At all.

I want my relationship with God to be THRIVING. I want it to show in my face, in my eyes, in my smile, in my vibrant joy, that I KNOW GOD. I want the world to see so evidently that I know the LORD. And we talk, and we're tight.

Intimacy is the one thing. And truly, everything else, FALLS into place. If you get the first things first, everything else follows in its proper place.

- GLORY FOLLOWS ORDER -

When the sun is setting, I want to feel so close to the Lord. When I lay my head on my pillow at night, I want to be full from my portion. I want to be satisfied from my daily bread.

At the end of the day this is all that matters.

I'll Wait Here

The King has called me.
He has given me life.
I'm wearing a white dress.
I feel breathtaking and beautiful.
I carry in my hands a white rose in full bloom.

My heart has been awakened, and I am fully alive.

I stand watching as people come and go, wondering when someone will notice me and think I am beautiful. It's been a while and no one has stopped yet. But I stand and I wait, and I keep watching.

I'm getting older.

"The wait is slow, and we've got so far to go. Keep your eyes on the prize, hold on. KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE PRIZE, HOLD ON."

I close my eyes and smell the rose. It's fragrance is sweet and fresh. I open my eyes and my heart beats faster as I see others being chosen and taken home. Will someone choose me and take me home?

I stand taller when the Father's love fills me and gives me great hope. The hope in my heart makes me glowing and radiant. This hope rises daily and grows stronger.

I see others around me being chosen now. My dress is still pure white, my rose still smells sweet, and hope still fills my heart. The look in my eyes is one of peace and satisfaction but also of longing and yearning to be chosen.

I wait. I stand here and I wait. Then I stop watching what's going on around me, and I turn my eyes to my Father. Those who look to Him will never be ashamed. Once again His love washes over me and fills me with hope.

I stand here and I wait. I will not move from this place. I trust my Father.

And then I hear voices around me. They are watching me. They are talking. It seems as if they are trying to make a decision. They walk away. More come and do the same thing. Some together, some alone. But they all walk away. I watch for a long time as this keeps happening.

"Father, my heart!" I cry with longing. Is my rose going to wilt and die? What about my dress? What about all that's in my heart?

Yet once again I turn my eyes to Him. But this time I keep them there. My gaze will not move from here. I will not look at anything else but Him.

As my gaze is fixed on the King of Glory, I feel a hand taking my rose. As he smells its fragrance, he takes hold of my hand.

I have been chosen.

<3

The Loudest Heartcry

I want REALITY. I want my relationship with God to be REAL. I want our love to be real. I want to be anchored and grounded and deeply rooted in LOVE that is REAL. I want to walk in the fullness.

I don't just want to pray about knowing God and encountering God, I want to actually encounter Him.

A friend of mine the other day pulled me aside and gave me a prophetic word about experiencing God and having a double portion of every dream the Lord and I dreamed about together in Africa. That I will receive double of all that!! And also that there is so much more for me and my relationship and intimacy with God, and just KNOWING GOD, that it will be real and more than words and rhetoric. I WANT THAT SO BAD!!!!!

I WANT TO KNOW GOD! I WANT TO EXPERIENCE HIM MORE THAN I DID WHEN I WAS 16 AND 17.

I WANT MORE AND I WANT THE FULLNESS!

I am so hungry for more of Him. I truly am. Not just because I am here in a place where my heart thrives. Not just because I get to do what I love to do every single day of my life. But because I NEED HIM. He is stirring up my passion and hunger and I want it to be the desire that cries the loudest!

I want my heart cry to know God to be louder than all the other cries of my heart. I want it to be louder than the cry for love and intimacy with a man. I want it to be louder than the cry for revival in America and in the nations. I want it to be louder than the cry to be seen and known and appreciated.

I WANT IT TO BE THE LOUDEST CRY THAT IS RISING FROM MY HEART. I WANT TO KNOW GOD. I WANT TO LOVE GOD. I WANT HIM.

I don't want to know just what he does, or the way he works, or what he is like. I want to KNOW HIM!!!!!!

If there was a person that i really wanted to meet and get to know, I wouldn't be satisfied with just knowing what they do. Or who they act like. Or the way they do things. No way, I would want to KNOW THEM. To spend time with them and talk to them and REALLY GET TO KNOW THEIR HEART.

That is how I want to know God.

And Jesus Christ has made it possible for me to do that. To go beyond the veil and SEE HIS FACE.

Hallelujah. My heart cries to know God. LORD, LET THIS CRY RING THE LOUDEST AND STRONGEST! AND ANSWER THIS HEART CRY!!!!!!! MORE THAN ANY OTHER HEARTCRY!